Eight Feet Deep

Susan, get outta my head! 

Okay, this is really strange. I don’t know whether it’s the stress of being unemployed (get a job, shaaa, na-naa-na, shaaa, na-naa-na-na, Baa-doo)or if it was something I ate last night. But I had this dream in which I was on the cops beat in a newsroom and I had to write about some event that was mostly insignificant in my mind. To get the information for this short, brief, whatever, I had to interview CNN reporter Susan Candiotti. Susan, whom I met in real life while covering the Abu Ghraib abuse trial at Fort Hood of Pvt. Charles Graner a couple of months ago, was giving interviews in my dream like crazy to every newspaper or TV reporter in sight. I never could catch her though, until she was headed with her photographer for the truck. I called out for her and she gave me an inteview. Unfortunately, she also turned into a very soft-spoken horse that I was having trouble understanding. I am not making this up. Well, it was a dream, so it wasn’t real. But it seemed real. And Auntie Em, you were there too!

Barney and George play Cowboy and Indian 

President Bush will use his primetime news conference this evening to announce he needs a rest. White House press secretary Scott McClellan told reporters at the afternoon “gaggle” that the president thought he has done enough in the past four years and three months in office. Bush will apparently spend the rest of his tenure riding his mountain bike in Crawford while listening to new songs his friends download on his MP3 player. It is expected that the president will announce his playlist now includes Bowling For Soup, whose song “Ohio” mentions his twin daughters, as well as the complete works of Devo.

Meanwhile, Vice President Dick Cheney is reportedly ready to surface from his underground palace somewhere in the Black Hills of South Dakota. He will assume his rightful title as President Vice President, upon Bush’s departure for Texas. While in hiding, Cheney was given a new, healthier heart. However, that heart belonged to a compassionate gay man named Claude. After six months of continually rearranging the furniture in the secure dungeon and asking his staff if there was anything he could do to help them, it was decided by Cheney’s staff that he needed a more conservative heart. His new heart belonged to a former oil and gas corporation executive. Cheney reportedly has a local McDonald’s delivering all of his food and he has taken up smoking again. The Veep is said to be “back to normal,” according to a vice presidential spokesman.

Bush also is expected to name presidential dog, Barney, to the new cabinet level post of Secretary of Woof-Woof.

I’m not dead yet. 

Cornell University scientists have discovered that the Ivory-billed woodpecker — not seen for certain in 60 years — is hiding out in the Big Woods of northeastern Arkansas. Apparently it had been hanging on this man’s hat disguising itself as a feather all this time.

The woodpecker, with a wingspan of almost 3 feet, has long been believed extinct. The last verified sightings in the United States took place in northern Louisiana. Since that time unconfirmed sightings of the bird were made in the Big Thicket of Southeast Texas, Louisiana and in Cuba.

I grew up in the area near the Big Thicket and dreamed of encountering the majestic bird in my childhood fantasies. That and pretending I was Jesus feeding the masses. Okay, I was a pretty weird kid. But every now and then I would read about supposed sightings of the Ivory-billed and wonder if it was real or merely a vision inspired by some sort of mushroom. The Cornell bird-brains have apparently found the real McDougle. Read the stories, see the video, have a beer, rejoice. Modern society apparently failed to kill off this species. It’s Ivory 1-Man 0.

Have a happy one Ann-Margaret 

This day gave us Ann-Margaret in 1941. For that I am thankful. I might even take off early to celebrate. I have to say she left me breathless as an adolescent. And she still is one good-looking lady.

Also, while we’re on the subject of birthdays today, let me give a shout out to President James Monroe who is 247. Happy birthday, Mr. President. I hope you’re enjoying your mai tais on the beach.

Saddam Hussein is also a birthday boy today (68), but I doubt he is getting a cake with candles. If he does, I seriously doubt he is going to get his wish.

As if we didn’t have enough to worry about. Here is a list from my favorite newspaper, the Weekly World News, of reasons why you might just be going to Hell:

“Ninety-nine out of 100 people are damned,” says Jacob L. Pinewood, professor of divinity at Holy Moses College in Jarvis, Australia. “My research indicates God hates us. That’s why He made His rules so ridiculous that the average person will never get into heaven.”

You’re going to Hell if you:

* Can name 10 beers but not one of the Ten Commandments.
* Think WWJD stands “What Would J.Lo Do?”
* Are a whoremonger.
* Can’t stand harp music.
* Wear white after Labor Day.
* Have built a shrine to Michael Jackson, even a small one.
* Have severed heads in your freezer.
* Have occasionally asked God to damn something for you.
* Have considered selling your soul for a Mercedes convertible.
* Sometimes use the Lord’s name in vain, especially when you can’t find the TV remote or stub your toe in the dark.
* Have watched a movie with graphic violence, brief nudity, sexual themes or adult language.
* Use the F word more than once a day.
* Felt powerful and satisfied after squashing an insect.
* Have engaged in sexual acts for reasons other than procreation.
* Have undressed people with your eyes at family reunions.
* Don’t understand what’s so bad about alcohol since it makes you feel so good.
* Ever fell down because you drank too much.
* Ever laughed at or imitated a mentally or physically handicapped person.
* Ever had a bath or shower with someone of the opposite sex.
* Ever had a bath or shower with someone of the same sex.
* Are a homosexual, transsexual, heterosexual or metrosexual.
* Ever rolled your eyes at the mention of Mother Teresa.
* Make a practice of stepping on sidewalk cracks.
* Belong to any organized religion.
* Covet your neighbor’s wife, husband, car, house, donkey or any of their household appliances.

Those paths to pure damnation that I believe we REALLY OUGHT TO THINK ABOUT are in bold.