Barney and George play Cowboy and Indian 
President Bush will use his primetime news conference this evening to announce he needs a rest. White House press secretary Scott McClellan told reporters at the afternoon “gaggle” that the president thought he has done enough in the past four years and three months in office. Bush will apparently spend the rest of his tenure riding his mountain bike in Crawford while listening to new songs his friends download on his MP3 player. It is expected that the president will announce his playlist now includes Bowling For Soup, whose song “Ohio” mentions his twin daughters, as well as the complete works of Devo.
Meanwhile, Vice President Dick Cheney is reportedly ready to surface from his underground palace somewhere in the Black Hills of South Dakota. He will assume his rightful title as President Vice President, upon Bush’s departure for Texas. While in hiding, Cheney was given a new, healthier heart. However, that heart belonged to a compassionate gay man named Claude. After six months of continually rearranging the furniture in the secure dungeon and asking his staff if there was anything he could do to help them, it was decided by Cheney’s staff that he needed a more conservative heart. His new heart belonged to a former oil and gas corporation executive. Cheney reportedly has a local McDonald’s delivering all of his food and he has taken up smoking again. The Veep is said to be “back to normal,” according to a vice presidential spokesman.
Bush also is expected to name presidential dog, Barney, to the new cabinet level post of Secretary of Woof-Woof.