This might come as a shock to you, but the endless battles fought by the United States military is taking such a toll on its soldiers that its officer corps no longer seeks inspiring its minions.
”You’ll notice my wife and daughters aren’t here sitting in the audience today,” said Capt. Vince Miller, speaking to his Army company in a change of command ceremony. “That’s because Sheila left me six months ago when I had to skip our 10th anniversary trip to Jamaica so I could come in on a Sunday for unit PT, since one of you dipshits decided to go out and get his third DUI.”
Even suicide, a scourge some see as near epidemic proportions in today’s Army, received no euphemisms from the outgoing company commander.
“Do any of you morons have any clue how much paperwork it causes when you blow your sad little heads off? At least have the courtesy to go AWOL first,” Captain Miller said. “But for fuck’s sake don’t come back for at least 30 days so I can drop you off my books and let someone else deal with the meatsack of failure that is your existence.”
Such frankness sent shock-waves through today’s Pentagon. That is, until the higher-ups figured out that “articles” such as this one, titled “Outgoing Company Commander: “I Hate You,” is satire. Yes, say hello to “Duffel Blog.”
Once the Pentagon discovered the blog was satire, the uptight dime-a-dozen lieutenant colonels let loose guffaws in probably one of the most nervy spots on Earth. The website which skewers the military and its civilian leadership with headlines such as Obama On Military Cuts: If You Like Your Job, You Can Keep It,” has found its fans even in the Pentagon leadership.
“Duffel Blog is a beautifully crafted response to an increasingly stuffy environment in today’s America,” retired Gen. James Mattis, a former head of U.S. Central Command who has been parodied in several items,” The Washington Post reported.
Like its civilian-counterpart The Onion, the Duffel Blog has had its articles mistaken for the truth. This, in turn, sometimes confuses those who cannot tell truth from lie. For instance, a blog called Mr. Conservative, rang the wing-nut alarm bells upon discovering headlines from a recent Duffel Blog exclaiming: “Obama Admin. Hands Out Pamphlet: “What To Do When The Veteran In Your Classroom Attempts A Mass Shooting.” That someone could confuse this with the truth makes one worry for their fellow mankind.
Perhaps those unfamiliar with the military culture and structure will not “get” this military satire. But fortunately enough for me, that is not my problem.