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How are the terrorists going to get their 77 virgins this way?

The Central Intelligence Agency has reportedly stopped another potential al Qaeda threat in which a terrorist was to have blown up a U.S. bound airliner with a bomb in his skivvies.

Well, yeah, I get underwear and the hiding place thing but I mean, symbolically, think of the first thing to go. A real dork. I mean, beside being a potential mass murderer, but blow up his ‘nads? Jesus, Joseph and Mary, and pulled pork sandwiches! Didn’t somebody already try that and wound up growing increasingly old in a tiny jail cell?

Personally, I’m very glad someone is out there stopping these assholes who want to blow people up. I’ve had mixed feelings about some of the ways these terrorists are shot first and tried later. But those feelings on the side of the Ts were never all that strong.

Caitlin Hayden, deputy spokeswoman at the National Security Council, said the bomb never posed a risk to public safety. Uh, I kind of doubt that. Caitlin? What kind of name is that for an NSC spokeswoman? How old is she? Twelve, and captain of her middle school girl’s soccer team? Sorry, Caitlin, hope you can take a joke and I don’t have drones following me everywhere I go.

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Weep no more: Mint juleps for Derby Day

Weep no more my lady. Oh! Weep no more to-day.

That’s right. There is no cause for weeping except perhaps when hearing the sentimental, Kentucky State Song, “My Old Kentucky Home,” played tomorrow preceding the 138th running of the Kentucky Derby. Oh, of course, if you bet a bundle and lost big, then by all means, bawl your head off.

Who will win the Derby? Well, the current, as-of-this-moment, favorite at 1542 Central Time, May 4, 2012, is Bodemeister. The 3-year-old comes from the stables of Ahmed Zayat, an Egyptian-born, New Jersey resident who made a very handsome fortune when he developed and sold non-alcoholic beverages to Heineken. Bode has lifetime earnings of $704,800, which if those were my earnings I would take them and go to some place tropical. Then again, I’m not a racehorse.

Who wins doesn’t really matter much to me. I would like to see a Triple Crown winner since there hasn’t been one since just before I left the Navy in 1978. That seems so long ago.

Honestly, I don’t know that much about horse racing even though I love watching it. I’ve only bet on horses once and didn’t win anything, but didn’t lose much either. I did work at a training track for horses one time selling beer, supervising some girls at the concession stands and filling in as bartender toward the end of the day. That was when I learned to make a mint julep, the traditional Derby Day drink. My first one turned out perfect, at least that is what the elderly rich lady said who ordered and consumed the drink. How many drinks she had before, I don’t know. She might have been hammered for all I know. But though it appears that I seemed to do that well, I thought I’d share my secret recipe for mint julep with you. Try it today and tinker with it until you get it just as you want it, not that you should have to adjust anything. By tomorrow you should be all ready for the party. Note: This is a recipe for just one drink. Should you want to make a pitcher, look it up. Sorry. Have a great Derby and, remember, weep no more my lady.

Pineywood Downs Mint Julep

2 1/2 oz. bourbon*

1 tsp. water

1 tsp. sugar**

5-6 mint leaves

Use a pestle, muddler or similar tool from your kit (not your tool kit unless it’s absolutely necessary then make sure there is no grease!) to gently press the ingredients. Strain into a glass filled with ice. Garnish with a mint sprig.

*Bourbon is a matter of taste, economics or both. Use whatever bourbon that tastes good and that you can afford. Maker’s Mark, Jim Beam Black, Rebel Yell are a few suggestions.

**If you are trying to avoid extra sugar then the equivalent amount of a substitute will not ruin your barkeep standing as long you don’t go blabbing it. That is, unless your guest asks for it.

Sound complicated? Then just have some bourbon and water then insert a mint sprig.

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Some Texas counties never existed. Severe Texas trivia for nerds.

Okay you Texans or Texan wannabes: Let’s play a little Texas trivia.

Have you ever been to any of these Texas counties?

La Baca, Neches, Spring Creek and Waco.

How about these?

Richland, Webster and Latimer.

Ever waltzed across Texas through these counties?

Buchel, Encinal, Foley, Wegefarth, Greer, Worth, or Santa Fe,

Surely you have been to one of these counties at some time, right?

Harrisburg County, Navasoto County, Davis County, Buchanan County, and Cibolo County 

Well, if you’ve ever been in or to or waltzing through any of these counties in Texas you must have done quite a bit of traveling — into fantasy land.

Now, I am sure some of these sound familiar, places you may have heard of or visited or even lived in at one time or another. Richland? Webster? Santa Fe, Harrisburg? Navasoto, Buchanan, or Waco? Why I worked in and around Waco for seven years! Davis. Isn’t there a Davis County?

There is, of course, a Waco — just no Waco County as Waco is in McLennan County. I’ve been to the county courthouse many times. And as for Davis, there is a Jeff Davis County. Some friends of mine have a place out that way and think highly of it.

There is a small town called Richland, Texas, in Navarro County. Nearby is Richland Creek, which along with Chambers Creek, form Richland-Chambers Reservoir. It is the 3rd largest inland lake in Texas and supplies water for Fort Worth.

Harrisburg was a capital of a Texas provisional government until it was burned down by Mexicans. It is now a community in eastern Harris County on Buffalo Bayou and is part of Houston. Webster is in southern Harris County near Galveston. Santa Fe is southwest of Webster in Galveston County. I don’t know of a Buchanan, Texas, but there is a Lake Buchanan, Texas, which is on, surprise, Lake Buchanan. Pronounced, “BUCK-an-an,” the lake is one of the so-called “Highland Lakes” on the Colorado River to the north of Austin. It’s a really beautiful place, or was last time I saw it. Finally, Navasota is a nice little town located between College Station and Houston. You can find a statue of the explorer La Salle there as he was supposedly murdered by his own men near Navasota in 1687. That takes you back a few years, no?

Well, you say that is all well and good. But what the bluebonnets about these non-existent counties?

That is just the point.Texas has had a good number of counties proposed that never got off the drawing board. In fact, there are at least 32 counties which were established but no longer exist. I say 32. Do you see 32 above? You shouldn’t. That is because some counties had name changes and were changed back to their original name, according to the “Handbook of Texas Online.”

Some of the other cities were so-called “judicial counties.” Others were established by the post-Civil War Constitutional Convention and never got off the ground likely because of prejudice against the radical Republicans who were in charge. Still others were proposed by the legislature and later abolished by the legislature. Also, some counties were outside the boundaries of present-day Texas.

I have tried, nerd that I am, to track all the counties in Texas I have visited. I could draw you an outline of the area of the state in which I’ve traveled and that which I haven’t. But you have to remember that Texas has 254 counties. That’s quite a load. The District of Columbia (a.k.a. District of Confusion), has only one county. Delaware has three. Louisiana has no counties. But they have 66 parishes.

To be honest, I doubt I could even name all the Texas counties. Why would you want to you say? I don’t know. Maybe La Salle was given a geography test and that he failed it was the reason he was murdered in present-day Grimes County. Probably that is not the reason but who knows? I mean, you never know when a little extra knowledge might just save your life, or make you look like a big weenie.

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A trade-off in today’s world is substituing one problem for another

It must be a law, as in that of gravity, when a solved problem results in a happy ending another problem pops from the wings to replace it.

For more than five years on my part-time job — funny it doesn’t feel part-time — I had to use the world’s slowest dial-up for the majority of my e-mail communication and for transmitting my work to our Washington offices. I harangued my supervisors for high-speed as much as possible without actually insulting them and when that didn’t work I tried finding solutions on my own.

Only a month ago and after a long battle with Verizon, I finally got an Internet connection that works without major interruptions. The device is a Verizon Jetpack, or MiFi, which is like having my own personal WiFi hotspot. The device can accommodate up to five computers. Since I can provide a secure connection with it I was able to use it for connecting my work computer, which often transmits and receives confidential material. I mean, it’s not plans for the A-bomb but it is nonetheless confidential and shouldn’t fall in the hands of those who have no business with that information.

Even though I have to pay for my MiFi and received no compensation for using it for work, I still used it on the job because it has provided many less fits and tantrums for all the problems caused by my dial up.

So wouldn’t you know it? I got settled in good using my MiFi for work and I finally get the storied Blackberry which was long alleged as headed our way at work as the answer to all our problems. We are using the Blackberry for communication — phone, text, e-mail, browsing and other applications such as GPS — as well as its use as a modem to transmit my data to the District of Confusion.

I like the Blackberry okay, so far, if I can ever learn to use it. We have a pretty fair deal hammered out by our union for its use such as the GPS can’t be used for tracking and the phones can’t be used for taking attendance. But did I say problems, still? Yes, there are a few.

First of all, unlike my trusty personal Verizon LG phone, the Blackberry has no inside keypad. There are a lot of shortcuts to learn otherwise you will be punching untold numbers of keys for “Alt” or “Shift” including punctuation and numbers. It has a ton of apps. Plus, the keys are too tiny. I have to get the password input several times between it and my work tablet/laptop when “tethering” the devices for modem usage. To combine my problem using the keypad is my benign essential tremors which sometimes are worse than others. I use my index finger a lot these days.

But the ‘berry has pretty decent speed.

Now I also have the problem of more hardware to tote around. I have a holster in which to carry my Blackberry and must also have a USB cable for tethering. No problem with the latter, I just stick it in the ever-filling computer bag. I also have my cell phone, my Blackberry, my computer, two chargers, not to mention my work laptop/tablet. No, make that three chargers. there is also a charger for the MiFi which is strangely enough identical to those for my two phones. All three work on all three devices, which is kind of amazing. It seems like for awhile every computer or electronic do-dad had a different charger, the better which the company could sell it to you.

My life has become like an ever-growing trade show of electronic crapola. I can remember back slightly more than 20 years ago when I didn’t even have a phone, of any kind, and no pager, nor even much of a TV. No cable. I used rabbit ears. I didn’t even have a clock radio, much less a boom box, or a stereo except for the radio and cassette player my car. I am thinking of when I first worked as a weekly newspaper editor and drove an almost 20-year-old BMW 2002. But no, I didn’t have a phone and I was editor of the paper. Hey, it was a small town.

Perhaps someday some gizmo will eliminate the need for a whole bunch more gizmos. I know there are companies that advertise some devices that are “all you ever need.” Yeah, right. In the meantime, I hear the phone ringing. Which one is it? Damn it!

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Wake up Veterans Affairs, before you die a death by 8.5 million paper cuts!

When one hears an opinion on the efficacy of the nation’s veterans health care system it is usually a discussion of components.

Right now mental health is the portion of the Department of Veterans Affairs medical system that is the “daily special” in terms of widespread interest due to media exposure and congressional oversight. A major sub-particle is that veterans are complaining that it takes too long to get mental health appointments. Growing numbers of young veterans with PTSD and traumatic brain injuries from national engagements in Iraq and Afghanistan make this a particularly topical subject.

There is no doubt that the VA — which sees about 6 million patients each year — is more than capable of what some medical experts have called “the best care available.” One may also forgive the VA, one of the government’s largest agencies, for tooting its own horn over its accomplishments

But like any large organization or bureaucracy the VA also faces its own undoing at times by what most would see as “the minor things” in the bigger picture. It is an expected flaw though treacherous when it comes to caring for a system with the total enrollment slightly more populous than New York City. In bureaucratic lingo, the VA must tackle the constant concern of “death by a million paper cuts.” Or, perhaps, let’s make that 8.5 million paper cuts, the aforementioned number enrolled for VA care.

Just today I was about to use the VA Web page for its patients, called “Myhealthevet.” Yes, that’s an “e” in there. I have now since forgotten what I was going to do on the site. But over the years that the site has been around it has grown in capabilities. Only, the growth has not been fast, nor on an even keel, and to be honest, it has frustrated the hell out of me.

Veterans who are enrolled in VA health care may join this site and have access to his or her prescription medicine information. Refills may be ordered from the site. This capability has been around for awhile. At times, one would only be given the prescription number and not the name of the drug. That isn’t particularly helpful say, you just happen to remember at work or while waiting to eat in a restaurant that your metformin needs to be refilled.

Likewise, the site has been unreliable when it comes to receiving medicines you ordered. I once ran out of meds after ordering them online and that is all it took for me to say, “No thanks.” As if an afterthought, a VA pharmacy person told me, “Oh yeah, don’t order them off the Web site.”

The ability to send secure e-mail to your medical professionals has in recent times been made available. One has to show up in person and see a video before opting in. Once through those “rigors” you may e-mail your medical team and perhaps even your doctor in some regional health systems. That is perhaps the most promising development out of the entire site, so far, at least. However, the real utility of secure messaging to communicate with your medical “team” comes from the fact that most VA hospitals and clinics I have encountered have massive difficulties with telephones.

Call the Michael E. DeBakey Veterans Medical Center in Houston. During the day, you will likely get a recording and can wait from here to yon until you get an operator. Then, the operator transfers you and the phone rings and rings and rings and rings. If you are lucky you will get a voice mail. If you are luckier you will get a voice mail that doesn’t say this voice mail is filled. Ordering prescriptions is the main reason I call the VA. I have learned to bypass all the “blah, blah, blah” and head strait to “Option 8” where you can hear recordings of your appointments or reorder prescriptions using your keypad by entering your Social Security Number and then the prescription number.

Great promise lies in the Web access to your medical needs. Veterans may download or view their entire medical record eventually. Well, not the notes where the doctor says you are a sociopath and don’t wash behind your ears. But otherwise, Myhealthevet has already shown its use. However, such a system fails miserably in reaching its potential when one needs to use it for something only to find it is shut down for maintenance. This has happened to me more times now than I am able to count.

The chaotic phone exercises, the Internet in a perpetual state of maintenance along with long waits for specialists or appointments help build from bottom up just where the VA medical system reaches a bundled package of failures. The system has its larger problems as well, money being the generically prevalent one. I speak of funding which may result in the socioeconomic triage where, sometimes, having insurance bodes well for those seeking better veterans health care.

This is not to say the VA health care system is bad and certainly I am not speaking ill of the employees in any general way. Rather, it is my personal wake-up call for an organization that performs miracles every day. I could go on. But all I am saying is that the VA should try harder at healing these millions of paper cuts. This system is all that is keeping many of us alive and healthy.