Author: Dick

It’s mid-afternoon. I just checked out James Lee Burke‘s latest novel “Swan Peak.” So now I have bigger fish to fry than solving the world’s problems here on, as our prez famously said, “The Internets.” Have a great weekend!

It now appears Joe the Plumber will not be doing a country music album as earlier reported. The unlicensed plumber a.k.a. Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher told Fox News:

“I love country music, and I mean it’s pretty much what I listen to from sun-up to sundown. But as far as me being a country music star, I don’t know. I don’t think people are that deaf-tone out there.”

Ha. Ha. Joe makes a funny.

Meanwhile, EFD has discovered the REAL Joe the Plumber. His name is Joe L. Francis of Amarillo, Texas, according to the Texas State Board of Plumbing Examiner’s database. EFD knows this because of EFD’s superior data searching skills plus the fact that, unlike the unlicensed Joe the Plumber, the REAL Joe the Plumber HAS a plumbing license with his license number tastefully on his Web site. However, it seems the REAL Joe the Plumber is selling T-shirts and signs which feed the craze and almost cult-like following of the other Joe the Plumber. Oh well, I guess Joes have to help out their fellow Joes.

The REAL Joe the Plumber also is, according to his Website, “The Friendliest Plumber in Town.” That claim makes EFD wonder if the other 808 plumbers in Amarillo — that figure courtesy once again of the plumbing examiner’s database — are not friendly or have varying degrees of friendliness or unfriendliness?

One thing EFD does concede, if you’ve got a bathroom covered in s**t from a backed-up sewer line, the most important qualification for a plumber who can solve the problem is a big smile and convivial disposition.

“Honey, the plumber didn’t fix the problem. The sewer is still stopped up.”

“Yeah, but that was ONE friendly plumber.”

But wait. Don’t go yet. Because EFD is offering you not just ONE REAL Joe the Plumber but TWO REAL Joe the Plumbers.

REAL Joe the Plumber No. 2 is Joe Lara, who serves beautiful Ventura County, California. REAL Joe No. 2 notes on his Website that he has been quite in demand since the emergence of Faux Joe. This Joe also is licensed and although he makes no claims as to friendliness, he does purport to be “The Plumber’s Plumber,” meaning when one plumber needs another plumber for a problem he can’t fix himself he will call on Joe. Now this is just speculation, but EFD would be willing to venture that REAL Joe the Plumber No. 2 will also fix plumbing problems for people who aren’t plumbers.

Music executives are talking to Joe the Plumber about a record deal.

Sources close to Nashville say recording companies are also considering similar contracts for Jim the Port-a-Potty Guy, Alfonse the Pasta Delivery Dude, Ping the Laundry Manager, Patel the Motel Owner, Jose the Power Washer, Juan the Roofer, Abe the Haberdasher, Shermika the Street Walking Chick, Click-lik-clik the Kalahari Bushman taxi driver, Natasha Hadenov the Russian waitress …

Somehow, our neighborhood now has another cussing lady.

For years now we have had this woman who walks up and down the streets of the neighborhood talking to herself or whomever she believes she is talking to and punctuates her one-way conversations with profanities made in elevated pitches.

Now we have another woman who pushes around a shopping cart and talks to herself and, albeit at lower tones, she too makes her exclamations with a load of cuss words.

It makes me wonder, how on Earth did we end up with two cussing ladies? I bet most run of the mill neighborhoods don’t even have one.

I shouldn’t make light of the situation because it is really sad.

A man who lived where the second cussing lady passed by today asked her in his rather elevated tone why she had to use such “violent” language. I think “vile” was the word he was looking for, but I got his point. She didn’t make any kind of thoughtful response unless that is what you call telling the man to kiss her ass and then going on about whatever she was doing.

With both the first and the second cussing ladies, I just ignore them. I don’t look at them. I don’t say anything to them. I have found that is the best way to avoid having a barrage of expletives hurled your way. I mean, it’s kind of like stepping in dog crap. It’s not pleasant, it’s disgusting actually. But you clean it up and go on about your life.

I can see why the man today was upset. Some people have less tolerance for bad language than I do. But unfortunately, there really isn’t a whole lot anyone can do except — as the man did this morning — say what is on his mind.

He could have called the police. But what would that have accomplished? More than likely she would be taken for psych evaluation and 24 hours later be back on the street. As far as I know these ladies are harmless — a little scary and certainly frustrating — but I don’t know if they have harmed anyone except perhaps in self-defense.

They could go to the local mental health authority and get their meds. But if they wanted to do that they probably wouldn’t be out on the street cussing up a storm.

So where does that leave us? It leaves us to ponder the bigger question of how do we handle what is essentially a mental health crisis in this country? Maybe some folks smarter than me will see these cussing ladies some day and think about them as I am doing. Then perhaps they will come up with some solutions. I’m sorry. I don’t have any solutions.

Damn it.

“They say it’s your birthday. ‘They’ meaning the Beatles.”

“But I thought the Beatles were dead.”

“No just John and George.”

“Wait, I thought Paul was dead.”

“No, just a rumor and one that was disproved almost 40 years ago.”

“Oh my. So that means … “

“Yep. The Walrus was Paul.”

“Well, since “they” say it’s your birthday, it’s my birthday too — yeah! I’m already on vacation so I will take the day off a little more if I can do that.”

“Feel free. After all, it is your birthday too — yeah!”