As if we didn’t have enough to worry about. Here is a list from my favorite newspaper, the Weekly World News, of reasons why you might just be going to Hell:
“Ninety-nine out of 100 people are damned,” says Jacob L. Pinewood, professor of divinity at Holy Moses College in Jarvis, Australia. “My research indicates God hates us. That’s why He made His rules so ridiculous that the average person will never get into heaven.”
You’re going to Hell if you:
* Can name 10 beers but not one of the Ten Commandments.
* Think WWJD stands “What Would J.Lo Do?”
* Are a whoremonger.
* Can’t stand harp music.
* Wear white after Labor Day.
* Have built a shrine to Michael Jackson, even a small one.
* Have severed heads in your freezer.
* Have occasionally asked God to damn something for you.
* Have considered selling your soul for a Mercedes convertible.
* Sometimes use the Lord’s name in vain, especially when you can’t find the TV remote or stub your toe in the dark.
* Have watched a movie with graphic violence, brief nudity, sexual themes or adult language.
* Use the F word more than once a day.
* Felt powerful and satisfied after squashing an insect.
* Have engaged in sexual acts for reasons other than procreation.
* Have undressed people with your eyes at family reunions.
* Don’t understand what’s so bad about alcohol since it makes you feel so good.
* Ever fell down because you drank too much.
* Ever laughed at or imitated a mentally or physically handicapped person.
* Ever had a bath or shower with someone of the opposite sex.
* Ever had a bath or shower with someone of the same sex.
* Are a homosexual, transsexual, heterosexual or metrosexual.
* Ever rolled your eyes at the mention of Mother Teresa.
* Make a practice of stepping on sidewalk cracks.
* Belong to any organized religion.
* Covet your neighbor’s wife, husband, car, house, donkey or any of their household appliances.
Those paths to pure damnation that I believe we REALLY OUGHT TO THINK ABOUT are in bold.