A tale of two states: Divided Delaware ponders picker ruckus

DAKTAGASTAN, So. Del. — The immigrants from Daktagastan have found little to do in the recent enclave provided by partitioning Delaware into two states. South Delaware provides a look at a rusting anti-aircraft gun while citizens of the northern state, Badtothebone, are finding an uptick in tourists who seek autographed photographs of the notorious “Little Johnny.”

The 52nd state past time. Daganistan immigrants to South Delaware stare at the  rusty anti-aircraft gun for "the 442nd time already!"
The 52nd state past time. Daktagastan immigrants to South Delaware stare at the rusty anti-aircraft gun for “the 442nd time already!”

Little Johnny caused a major uproar in the new state, named for a popular song made famous by Wilmington native George Thorogood. During a quiet time in the first-grade class at Beau Biden III Elementary School, Little Johnny suddenly and unexpectedly picked his nose.

Troopers of the Badtothebone State Public Safety Department, BSPSD, and formerly members of the Delaware State Police stormed the school and after a five-minute standoff took Little Johnny into custody. The BSPSD raid created a major controversy in the former northern Delaware area because 19 of Little Johnny’s first-grade classmates were subdued with flash-bang and tear gas grenades during the alleged nose-pickers apprehension.

“I threw up on Mrs. Barker,” said 6-year-old Tyrannus Rex Jackson, referring to his teacher. “They got Johnny but they got me too. Bitches!”

The controversy grew immensely before Little Johnny could even be arraigned. Wilmington TV station News2Lose learned from an anonymous source who was told by the brother of another anonymous source that Little Johnny’s parents knew that the boy had a predilection for picking his nose. In fact, a Johns Hopkins otolaryngologist told the child’s parents that Little Johnny was in all probability a rhinotillexomaniac, one with an obsessive-compulsive disorder involving nose-picking.

The Right Rev. Cleophus B. Oswalt, a Kilgore, Texas-based faith healer said he was called by Little Johnny’s parents but: “They started using those words like oto-loren-geologist and rhinoceros monocle and it just scared the wheat out of my straw hat!”

Still, the now imprisoned Little Johnny has sparked a cottage industry up north. Autographed pictures with Little Johnny posing in a profile shot that looks as if he is picking his nose, or is doing so in reality, are selling briskly at Rodney Square in downtown Wilmington. A state law passed by the Badtothebone Assembly in about 3 minutes set a $15 limit on any single product sold by an inmate within the state.

“All it is is nasal porn,” said Assemblyman Jonas P. Potchlakker, D-Northstar.

It has been estimated that Little Johnny will raise $65,700 by the time he is tried on felonious nose-picking charges in Wilmington Juvenile Court. Some $64,699 will likely go to the child’s attorney, semi-well-known Wilmington criminal defense lawyer Blazing Bill Arsoni.

Meanwhile, tired of staring at the anti-aircraft gun, a group of South Delaware Dagtagastanians say they intend to start a support group for habitual nose-picking children.

“One may only stare so long at a rusting anti-aircraft gun,” said Bwzgen Mzlgenpzt. “Maybe we help the nose exploring kids.”

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