Next year I will get my own reality TV show.
Whether you eat turkey for Thanksgiving or not, you just got to love turkeys. They are the creatures with looks perhaps only another turkey could appreciate. Their look is one of perpetually being lost. It’s a look that says: “What did I do with my car keys?” That is provided, of course, they had car keys or some way in which to use them. I cast about the ‘net (pun?)for some fun facts about the noble turkey since some of you out there (I’m talking about the 25 or so of you)will have a dead turkey stuffed with something squishy on your table tomorrow. And awayyyyyyyy we go:
1. The heaviest turkey ever raised was 86 pounds, about the size of a large dog.
The heaviest song I ever heard was “The Battle of Evermore” on Led Zepplin’s fourth album (the one with Zoso and the circles). Some say the song was based on J. R. R. Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings’ final volume, The Return of the King. I’m not so sure. “The apples turn to brown and black/The tyrant’s face is red.” Maybe I’m missing something but it sounds like they’re talking about an LSD trip here that was ruined when the father of one of them found out they were tripping and started lecturing them on the evils of illegal substances. But maybe not.
2. Wild turkeys can run 20 miles per hour.
Deep fried turkeys hardly ever run.
3. Turkeys’ heads change colors when they become excited.
Mianne Bagger, who had a sex-change surgery in 1995, created a lot of excitement when she became the first transsexual to play in a women’s professional golf tournament in last year’s Australian Open.
4. Six hundred seventy-five million pounds of turkey are eaten each Thanksgiving in the United States.
That includes turkey feet, which I am told tastes like chicken.
5. Turkeys lived almost ten million years ago.
Which might explain those really, really dry pieces that you sometimes get during your Thanksgiving dinner.
6. Male turkeys gobble. Hens do not. They make a clicking noise.
I don’t think any truth to the rumor exists that originally they wanted to name the movie about the Kalahari bushman: “The Turkey Hens Must Be Crazy.”
7. Turkeys can see in color.
Unfortunately, the color is chartreuse.
8. Turkeys have heart attacks. The United States Air Force was doing test runs and breaking the sound barrier. Nearby turkeys dropped dead with heart attacks.
Wow. I didn’t know that. I wonder how you would give CPR to a turkey?
9. In England, 200 years ago, turkeys were walked to market in herds. They wore booties to protect their feet. Turkeys were also walked to market in the United States.
Thus the origin of “Shake your bootie.” Turkeys were also herded out West by turkeyboys who rode Shetland ponies. And you can’t forget the famous turkeyboys’ song later recorded with slight differences by Leann Rimes: “The turkeys are prowlin’/The coyotes are howlin’/Way out where the doggies roam/Where the Shetlands are bringing/The turkeyboy who’s singin’/His lonesome turkey call. (Gobble, gobble, gobble yodel).
10. Turkey breeding has caused turkey breasts to grow so large that the turkeys fall over.
One such large-breasted turkey actually wed an 80-year-old Texas millionaire.
Happy Thanksgiving and thanks to the University of Illinois Extension Service for the interesting turkey facts.