At long last — a hangover cure that tells us about our drinking behavior

Ah, if we had only known this when we were younger …

All right now. Here are “scientific” answers about one of the most hideous of side (or is it after?) effects of drinking. Remember, the answer must be in the form of a question.

Okay, Alex, you old Canuck bastard, what is a hangover?

Ding, ding, ding. You are correct. Yes, well why wouldn’t I be?

A study released today by the manufacturers of “the only FDA-approved hangover cure” on the market reveals the top three hangover “culprits” are:

1. Tequila

2. Vodka

3. Red wine

Had I been asked I might have answered like this:

1. Tequila, Vodka and Red wine

2. Beer, Rum and Hot Damn!

3. Hot Damn, Fortified wine and any alcoholic beverage that comes in a 40-ounce can or bottle.

The study, which can be found online in the incredibly named “Intoxication Nation,” looks at the drinking behaviors of Americans over the age of 21. Actually,

” … a study of 5,249 Americans who drink alcohol and are over the age of 21. Margin of error for this study is 1.35% at a 95% confidence interval,” according to a PR Newswire release touting the study.

What is not for certain is whether those over 21 (from 21 to 110?) were hammered at the time they were being questioned. And yes, age makes a lot of difference. A very interesting result regarding age and hangovers was that “People in their 20s drink half as much as people in their 40s but get 3X the hangovers.” I suppose the older folks spend more time drinking from young adult-to-middle age so perhaps there is an immunity. What the hell do I know?

There are a number of interesting little tidbits although a survey published by a company that supposedly makes a hangover “cure,” well, you need to take it with a little salt before you drink that shot of Cuervo Gold or Sauza Blanco.

In alcohol studies we did during college — that’s right and one cohort owns his own distillery today — we found that moderation was great even though it sometimes was a bit overrated. And likewise it was interesting to determine that, as the song back in the mid-70s asked rhetorically: “Don’t The Girls All Get Prettier at Closing Time.” In fact, an entire genre of C & W s**t-kickers adopted the theme of (over)indulging:

“The Power of Positive Drinking,” “A Headache Tomorrow (Or A Heartache Today,)” “I Think I’ll Just Stay Here And Drink.” “Yesterday’s Wine,” etc.

Perhaps if this hangover cure was around in my younger days, I might just have tried it. There is one little problem, however. The name. It’s called “Blowfish for Hangovers.” Blowfish are fish that get all puffed up and are toxic, as in deadly toxic. This is no matter that Hootie and the Blowfish were rather benign.

Maybe Blowfish for Hangovers is the miracle cure we all sought in our college days. Of course, in those days, one might just hop up and manage four or five cups more of Busch if the keg was still cold and had yet to float. It may not have been the best hangover cure but it sure as shootin’ beat yesterday’s wine — especially if yesterday’s wine was in a plastic cup with a half-smoked Kool Filter sailing around in it.