Duck thumpin’ in Louisiana and topless oil wrestling in Texas

No. I will not sit here and wax philosophically over the A&E Network’s suspension of Phil Robertson from the hit reality series “Duck Dynasty.”

Robertson is the leader of the backwoods Louisiana clan who became suddenly rich after making duck calls. Now you cannot go to a store without seeing a T-shirt, a Christmas card or dog blanket featuring the Robertson family. Why it’s enough to make the AFLAC Duck freak-out.

The elder Robertson made remarks in a GQ interview which were disparaging to gays. His remarks happened to include a translation, perhaps his own translation, of The Bible, I Corinthians 6:9, “Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers — they won’t inherit the kingdom of God. Don’t deceive yourself. It’s not right.” 

Now that isn’t exactly the King James Version I grew up with, which interprets the verse as:

“Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind.”

Okay, read the various translations here on your own. I beg your pardon, I never promised you a theologian.

I also never knew what a bunch of backwoods rednecks who make duck calls, and presumably lots of money these days, has to do with arts and entertainment. Entertainment, perhaps. Arts?

But I don’t see why Phil Robertson is not entitled to his opinion. Scores, maybe thousands of others in the entertainment business certainly feel free to mouth off on subjects, including homosexuality. Remember when folks blew a gasket upon the pronouncement of Dixie Chicks’ singer Natalie Maines during a concert that she was ashamed George W. Bush was a Texan? Why the Fox News crowd would have thought Maines had given away the Manhattan Project secrets.

The First Amendment gives Americans the right to say something no matter how profound or stupid, or profoundly stupid. And the people have the right to decide in the marketplace whether Robertson is just ignorant, mean or stupid, or all of the aforementioned.

So shut the fark up already.


This afternoon I found a flyer on my truck. It was from  a place called “Jaguars Club” in Beaumont. It featured a well-shaped chin, a swath of brushed blond hair, and a wet T-shirt clad with a pair of women’s breasts. It implored me to come every first and third Tuesday of every month and enjoy $5 cover and $5 dances. Most intriguing was the feature on Thursday nights, which is:

“Topless Oil Wrestling Match”

Now I presume that this would include women wrestling topless while frolicking in some kind of oil. They wouldn’t want to upset Phil Robertson lest he comes in with a mouth-load of duck calls and thumping the customers on the head with his Bible. (Note: Robertson has labeled himself a “Bible-thumper.”)

Beaumont, Texas, being the place where the modern oil and gas industry began with the Lucas Gusher at Spindletop in 1901, I would like to think that good old crude oil would be used in this wrestling. After all, I am sure some folks might label the spectacle as “crude.” Others might call it just another night in Beaumont.

On the back of the flyer, more breasts. This time a pair of what looks to be feminine hands pulling the edge of her “I assume it’s a her” halter top back thus to give a bit more of a glimpse to a breast. This side advertises Wednesdays, which is “College Night” at Jaguars. Halfs are popular that night. Covers 1/2 price, 1/2 price “VIP” (I don’t know what this is and will undoubtedly not ask) and 1/2 price table dances.  An amateur contest happens at midnight with a $200 cash prize. For what is the cash prize offered? It could be a variety of contests, most of which I would imagine offers some sort of partial nakedness.

This being Beaumont, Texas, however, home to Spindletop, I would imagine every college boy and every good ol’ boy who has yet to pass out by midnight would have a quart of oil in the back of their pickup. So I imagine some topless oil wrestling could be put together on a moment’s notice.