I'm making a list and I'm not checking it at all

In between looking for writing gigs and waiting for Microsoft updates to install, I’ve been thinking about Christmas gifts today. Only 19 shopping days until Christmas unless you are shopping for Christmas 2006. Only 17 shopping days left until Festivus and I’ve yet to put up my metal pole! Here are some thoughts on some items you might consider for holiday gifts.

An F-16 fighter! Wow, how would you like to wake up with one of THESE babies under your tree? You’d need a pretty big tree, one with at least 17 feet worth of clearance under which this speedy fellow could sit. But you’d probably get some attention that night from your significant other for delivering to him or her this machine that will fly above 50,000 feet at a speed of some 1,500 mph. Oh and you can’t forget its accessories — the M-61A1 20mm multibarrel cannon with 500 rounds; external stations can carry up to six air-to-air missiles, conventional air-to-air and air-to-surface munitions and electronic countermeasure pods. No rush-hour drivers will flip you off again. Ever!

Can’t figure out what to get kitty cat? How about the World’s Largest Ball of Twine?
Go pick it up when no one is looking in Cawker City, Kansas. Fluffy and Socks will be entertained the rest of their feline days with a ball of twine that is almost 9 tons, 40 feet in circumference and unwrapped is about 1,325 miles long. Mee-yow!

Did you spend one too many of your old military days either dodging bombs or getting drunk? And you say you don’t have any good pictures of you in uniform from those days? Well, just borrow a picture from everyone’s favorite couple from the U.S. to Iraq — Charles Graner and Lynndie England. Show everyone how dashing you look in uniform and that you really could get a guy or a girl. Sure, you might appear a little desperate. Well, you might appear very desperate, but it beats a picture on the wall of dogs playing poker. Doesn’t it? At least a little bit?

Finally, if you are totally stumped for a gift, get your loved one The Village People! Have them sing and dance in the privacy of your own bedroom. Throw a party. Spell out YMCA with your arms or whatever else you might have handy. Have a gay old time this Christmas!

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