In a funk? Got a clean colon? Then don’t read this.

This whole debt crisis thing has gotten me down into the funkosphere where everything is, well, you know, funky.

Funk, funky, Funkadelic, Grand Funk Railroad, the last of which I saw rocking Lake Charles, La., back during the mid-70s, they all are funny words and funky as well. Of course, many old timers may remember “Funk and Wagnalls,” who were not all that rockin’ but they were sure funky with their dictionaries. I wonder how I.K. Funk would have defined: “Funky?” The company stopped publishing in 1997.

But yes, we need to lighten up, children, we need to lighten and brighten and anything else favorable that might rhyme with lighten and brighten lest we become frightening. Why do I talk as if I had watched a “WKRP in Cincinatti” marathon? Well, this is surely not the reason:

Colon Cleansing May Be Risky, Study Finds

So reads the headline from WebMD, adding: “Hazards May Include Nausea, Vomiting, Kidney Failure; Advocates Cite Energy Boost, Other Health Benefits”

What are they saying? Is it good? Is it bad? Nausea, vomiting, kidney failure? I don’t see that much of a boost, much less a boost in energy. Well, you can read the article for yourself but I find the whole colon cleansing topic somewhat disgusting. I mean, it’s your COLON for Pete’s sake. Do you even know what a colon is? Ever have one of those tubes run like a sewer snake up your butt?  Traveling as if it is looking for the next big break in the pipes which would cause a massive flood of New York New York New York sewage in Midtown Manhattan. Oh my!

By the way, do you know the difference between the words “sewage” and “sewerage?” Do you care? Well, I spent many a long day and long nights listening to local elected officials having a long discourse over the two. You see, sewage is s**t and sewerage is Shinola. Not really, Shinola is, or was at least, a brand of wax shoe polish. Yes, people used it to shine their shoes. Yes people used to shine their shoes. Sewerage is the actual physical facilities used to handle sewage. Aren’t you much better off knowing that?

Back to why I am running my very own “That 70s Show” is because one of the great mysteries of the Universe could be solved in just a jiffy. Yes, I’m talking about the mystery of D.B. Cooper.

My sources tell me — My sources being newspapers via the Internets, radio and TV — that the FBI is close to solving the 40-year-old mystery of the man who hijacked a Northwest Orient Airlines flight over (where else, the Northwest) and who parachuted from the Boeing 727 plane with bundles of cash that he extorted out of the Feds. This is a story more compelling than Bigfoot, almost. Who was D.B. Cooper? What did he plan to do with the money? Did he survive the jump? Did he have a clean colon?

Well maybe we will find out soon. If we do, I might not be in such a funk then, but who knows? It all comes out in the wash. It don’t mean nothin’ my brothers and sisters. Right on and get down and right on some more! The end of a funky tale might just be near. Our great national nightmare might be close to over. Or not.