What
a
bunch
of
weenies!
It is most likely a foregone conclusion now that I am the worst restaurant critic blogger in the world. I mean here it is Friday and where is Meaty Mondays — a critique of restaurants wherever I happened to be?
Now of course I could have used the Christmas defense. But that is used by everyone including most Jewish folks I know. Then I could claim stress from recent events: A looming rotorooter up the old colon for who knows what; the news I just learned Wednesday about my friend Donna’s death; and the (hopefully) much happier news from my now Tennessean daughter who informed me yesterday she just became engaged. So I have had a lot — figuratively speaking — on my plate. But I used to be able to handle damn near anything and still write what I had to when my living was made writing for newspapers. Now look at the pathetic procrastinating sniveler I have become. Tsk.
But better Nate than lever, I always say, being the jerk that I am. So today I will pass on a few places where to get a decent kolache if you happen to be in Beaumont, Texas, or perhaps a couple of other places.
Kolaches are defined by Wikipedia as: a type of pastry consisting of fillings ranging from fruits to cheeses inside a bread roll. Originally only a sweet dessert from Central Europe, they have become popular in parts of the United States.
My favorite kolache, not to be confused with My Favorite Martian, is the sausage kolache of the type I first became familiar with in the small Czech settlement of West, Texas, about 15 miles north of Waco. And in my humble opinion the best place to get a kolache of any type be it filled with sausage or some other goody is West’s Czech Stop. It is against the laws of Texas, humanity and physics to drive down Interstate 35 en route to either Dallas or Austin (No one with any sense actually GOES to Waco) without stopping at the Czech Stop.
Now my mother used to make something akin to a kolache that she and many others call a “pig in the blanket.” I would say they might be somewhat similar to “hogs in a serape,” “swine in a comforter,” “Durocs in a quilt,” or perhaps even “javelina in a sleeping bag.” Well, perhaps not the latter. I don’t think I could sleep even with the thought of a javelina in a sleeping bag.
“Javelina, this sleeping bag ain’t big enough for the both of us.”
Note: Javelinas are mas macho so don’t go calling them collared peccaries.
Mother, bless her heart, used about as simple a recipe as one could find for pigs in a blanket: Weiners, biscuit dough and Cheese Whiz. And they were awesome. Probably the biggest difference one will find in a great Czech-style sausage kolache and Momma’s Cheese Whiz Hot Dogs in Biscuits is that the standard weenie is kind of void of flavor (and is made of God knows what) and needs the biscuit and processed cheese food to carry it along. That is not a criticism of my mom’s pigs in a blanket though. They were mighty awesome as far as I am concerned and made with a mother’s love, something that’s hard to duplicate on a mass scale.
As is the case with ethnic food of all types, kolaches are found now all over. There are more than a few places to find them where I live in Beaumont, Texas. Interestingly enough, I have never been to the chain Kolache Factory on Phelan Boulevard at Dowlen Road. I usually stick to the nearby places such as Rao’s on Calder Avenue and Shipley’s Donuts on South 11th Street, behind Gateway Shopping Center. Both places have sausage kolaches.
Of the two places, I am not too fond of Rao’s kolaches. There isn’t a whole lot to Rao’s sausages, which are either Jimmy Dean or the local Zummo’s. Shipley’s makes a great sausage kolache. I like their sausage and cheese. I used to like their spicy sausage and cheese but they did something to it to make it hotter. You can actually see something green inside it and it can get pretty freakin’ warm if you know what I mean.
One other kolache of note nearby I can think of is in Newton, Texas, about 60 miles northeast of Beaumont where Texas Hwy. 87 and U.S. 190 intersects — or about 10 miles from the Louisiana state line. There is a little place on the corner of where Hwy. 190 turns right called The Donut Ranch. As is the case with most pastry places in Texas not run by Czechs or other white folks, the proprietor is Asian, perhaps Vietnamese. They do sausage kolaches right.
Perhaps I will come up with a Meaty Monday on Monday. But don’t go getting your hopes up. In the meantime, go to your favorite pastry monger and hopefully find yourself a kolache be it filled with sausage, ham, fruit or rhubarb. It will definitely make you smarter, more attractive and not to mention rich and thin. Or my name isn’t (Fill in the blanks)_ _ _. (Hell, add some blanks if you wish.) Just do whatever you want to do. Don’t mind me. I’m just the blogger.