It took the better part of four hours, four-to-six scratches to the hand, several bumps on the head, some $50 and a plethora of Navy-style profanity but my truck now runs like a kitten’s purr.
I would have only spent two-thirds of that amount, probably saved three hours, would have had probably one or two scratches, would most likely still have several bumps on the head from banging it on the hood and would have produced slightly less cussing had I known from the start that my problem was one (1) fouled spark plug wire. That will be $39, Bubba. Cha Ching!
But I didn’t know that was the problem until my neighbor and a veteran mechanic, Doc, figured it out by pulling a few wires here and there on the thingamajig.
I am no mechanic, no way, no how. If I had been rolling in dough, or money, I would have taken my truck to a mechanic. Well, if I had literally been rolling in dough I would not have gone anywhere due to fear the cops might think I was a big donut. I didn’t have a lot of moolah though and I decided to diagnose and treat the patient myself. Here is a play-by-play:
1. Went to the Internet. Looked for “running rough” and “stumble” and “moisture” (because it rained all weekend)and “Strawberry Alarm Clock” (because I woke up with “Incense Peppermint” playing inside my head, and so forth.
2. Went to AutoZone. My “Check Engine Light” was going crazy, whereas normally the light just remains on. The code thingy said there was a misfire in “Plug No. 4.” Of course, the malfunction could also be due to an oxygen sensor, catalytic converter, sinusitis, witchcraft, stagflation and a condition called “hot dog finger.”
3. Did someone say: “Plug?” So I thought I would change the spark plugs. My plugs are located on top of the engine block. It looks like the plugs would be a snap to change. Wrong again! There are wires everywhere and hoses and big pipelines full of ammonia and cyanide gas and 2 percent milk.
4. Plugs changed. Truck still runs like crap.
5. Doc comes by. He does his mechanical voodoo and finds that the No. 4 plug WIRE is fried. Oh, yeah. The wire. Now it all makes sense.
6. Of course, you can’t buy just one plug wire, kind of like how you can’t just eat one Lay’s Potato Chip. I go to an auto parts store and the guy behind the counter sneaks in some little package of something I thought was for free but cost $2. I told him he had a racket and I complained about spending $35 to buy one wire because one cannot buy just one wire. He give me this shelizzle about how there are all these electronic thingies these days and blah, blah, blah, and I just about had to snatch the receipt out of his hand while I proclaimed “Bullshit!” on the way out the door.
7. I replaced No. 4 wire. The truck runs smooth once more. But I have these four other plug wires I paid a total of $39 for so … I put them on as well.
And thus it came to pass that a 1998 Toyota Tacoma lives to see another day despite its 145,000 miles. Sigh! What a way to spend the afternoon.