Old Sayings Retirement Home No. 3

We say goodbye to our old friend “Godawfully hot” and say hello to the U Scan Lady.

I might be tempted to fall in love with the U Scan lady were it not for the fact that she is so irritatingly bossy as well as her being a recorded voice for a piece of machinery at the grocery store.

Grocery shopping and I have gotten crossways over the years. I think part of it is the pace of everyday life, plus I’ve encountered a whole raft of rotten checkout clerks. That is not to say that all are like that but the ones who are can make your shopping experience a one-way journey to Unpleasantville. So most of the time I just want to get my goodies and get myself out into that Godawfully hot parking lot. U Scan, or self-checkout, or whatever it is called at the particular store that might have it, is wonderful. That isn’t to say that U Scan Lady doesn’t get on my nerves.

“Please put the item in the bag.”
“I did already.”
“Please put the item … thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
“The weight is not correct for the item scanned.”
“My weight is not proportional to my height. So what?”
“Do you have any coupons? Do you want cash back?
“No. And yes, if it doesn’t come out of my bank account.”

That’s kind of the typical banter between me and U Scan Lady when I check out. It’s kind of a bland, perhaps even emotion-free dialogue. I’ve tried flirting with her but she doesn’t seem to respond very well. Maybe I should tell her a dirty joke. Although if I did, I wonder if she might sue me for sexual harassment? It would be a hell of a story. I’ll say that much.

I do my share of cursing automation. But deep down I like things that make life easier for me. I used to think I would want my own monkey that could do everything for me from cooking dinner and making drinks to cleaning house and doing my shopping. But I always had the fear that a monkey might commit some embarrassing act in front of a guest.

“Sorry about your suit, Reverend, it’s just that the monkey gets these … urges.”

That is why, if I wanted to be really super lazy, I would want a robot. It would have a lot demanded of it and it best be a funny robot but at the same time one that could behave itself in public. Knowing my luck, my robot would probably obsess over the U Scan Lady and start stalking her at the grocery store.

Maybe I am just better off just doing things for myself.

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