Eight Feet Deep

Old Toilet Haiku

In blistering heat
No fat ass sits upon you
Porcelain orphan.

A sad site it is to see one, much less six, cast-off toilets sitting by the curb. Why is it sad? I don’t know. It’s one of those situations that is hard to pin down.

When you think about it, toilets are normally pretty sturdy fixtures. Many can survive hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, big butts and so forth.

The flush toilet is really a marvel in itself. Toilets are fixtures of history, seating generation after generation of asses. It’s a good thing that toilets can’t talk. Oh the stories they could tell! Gross ones, I’m sure.

Some people in the world, perhaps some still in the U.S., do not have flush toilets. But I don’t expect to see Sally Struthers make a tearful plea for Third World children without toilets. Maybe she should though. Or maybe Jerry Lewis could have a telethon for “Crappers Without Borders.”

It’s just a thought.

What’s bugging me, you might ask? Like many others who live along the upper Texas coast, mosquitoes are bugging me.

Today’s “Beaumont Enterprise” reports that salt marsh mosquitoes are out in swarms in the area and are worse than normal because of recent rains. It is fortunate that the salt marsh mosquitoes do not carry the West Nile Virus. But West Nile has turned up in Jefferson County, where I live, and I usually don’t see a mosquito until it has feasted upon me. Thus, I can’t tell whether it is the salt marsh or some other type.

I have to remind myself to coat the exposed parts of my body with insect repellent before going on my morning walk. I have two kinds of repellent, both of which contain about 7 percent DEET (N,N-diethyl-m-toluamide). But the usually reliable S.C. Johnson product, Off, doesn’t seem to work as well as Cutter. Maybe it’s a smell thing. Smell is one of the factors that make human flesh attractive to mosquitoes, according to the Centers for Disease Control:

“Female mosquitoes bite people and animals because they need the protein found in blood to help develop their eggs. Mosquitoes are attracted to people by skin odors and carbon dioxide from breath. The active ingredients in repellents make the person unattractive for feeding. Repellents do not kill mosquitoes. Repellents are effective only at short distances from the treated surface, so you may still see mosquitoes flying nearby.”

Women mosquitoes — you can’t live with them, you can’t kill them.

It would seem as long as you smell like something a mosquito won’t even touch — and don’t breathe — you’ve got the mosquito problem licked. However, that doesn’t sound like a terribly attractive solution.

The Karankawa Indians who once roamed these coastal environs dealt with mosquitoes in a rather organic manner, according to “The Handbook of Texas Online”.

“They often smeared their bodies with a mixture of dirt and alligator or shark grease to ward off mosquitoes.”

One would think that dirt along with alligator or shark grease would keep most anything away. Although, I wouldn’t take my chances with either alligators or sharks.

Almost everyone has to put up with some sort of unpleasantry no matter where they live. Hurricanes and mosquitoes are the two biggies here. I can keep the mosquitoes away. The hurricanes are another matter.

If it were up to certain people among our American brethern (and sisteren?), our government would be conducted in total secrecy. The only media that would operate would be a state-run media that says what the government tells it what to say. You might ask: Isn’t that the case right now? Well, no, not yet, even though Fox News sometimes seems like it is the Bush Administration Network.

One of our government’s biggest secrecy squirrels is Rep. Peter King, R-N.Y. King is chairman of the House Homeland Security Committee and apparently thinks that if a government official passes gas it might alert Al-Quida.

King, who Slate media critic Jack Shafer called “an exploding carbuncle masquerading as a member of Congress,” was all steamed up and ready boil Bill Keller and The New York Times in oil over the recent SWIFT revelations. He called the Times’ publishing the story about the Treasury Department and CIA secretly looking into an international database of financial records “treasonous.”

King said that he had been briefed in the past about the foreign terrorist plot to blow up New York City tunnels that was revealed today by government officials. King said of the news “It would have been better if this had not been disclosed.”

So Congressman Carbuncle, just when should it be released — when the first blast goes off in the tunnel? I don’t think there are very many out there who don’t believe that some government secrets need to be kept. But if the government is doing something illegal, or if foreign terrorists plan to blow something up in the U.S., then, yeah, I’d kind of like to know about it.

King should secretly slip out of Congress into oblivion where he belongs. If he wants to make his location secret then, it’s fine with me.

Felipe Calderon was declared winner of the Mexican presidential race. Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador declares: (en Ingles)”I’ll get you my little pretty”.”

Meanwhile, Vladimir is acting kind of strange.

Calderon: “Is it the Chad?”

It seems that the United States is not the only country on this hemisphere that can have presidential elections from Hell. Ruling party candidate Felix Calderon appears to have a tortilla-chip’s edge on leftist candidate Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador, in the Mexican presidential race. But the latter candidate is not conceding just yet. Lopez Obrador, the former Mexico City mayor, has charged voting irregularities had taken place and plans to mount legal challenges. Note to Ted Olson and David Boies and hundreds of other election attorneys out there: Start brushing up on your Espanol.

Although the situation following Sunday’s election appears to remain peaceful, Mexico has had its share of tumultuous political moments. Much of this tradition stems from the influence of the Aztec god Quetzalcoatl. According to one version of this deity’s story:

“Long before the Aztecs saw the sign in the valley of Mexico, the snake had been a revered animal in the religions of the ancient Central America. One of their main gods, Quetzalcoatl, sometimes appeared as a winged serpent. The legend of Quetzalcoatl says that upon finding a mirror, and seeing himself for the first time, he was surprised and distraught to learn that he had the face not of a god but of a man.
In his depression he spent the night drinking pulque, a type of cactus beer. Once intoxicated he had an incestuous relationship with his sister. After awaking the next morning, hungover and ashamed, he left Mexico on a boat of serpents, telling the people that he would return in a ‘one reed’ year (ancient Mexicans had a sophisticated calendar and counted years by combining a number and an object).”

Cortez and the conquistadors, the story goes on to say, arrived in Veracruz in a reed year. The Totanaca people thought him to be the second coming of Quetzalcoatl. Since the Totanaca were not happy with the Aztecs, they aligned themselves with Cortez and a) the rest is history. b)things went downhill from there. c)thus was the birth of chewing gum. d)None of the above.

Really, I have no earthly idea what Quetzalcoatl has to do with Mexico’s political history, except of course if you look at the snake locked in combat with the eagle on the nation’s flag. But I’m sure something can be learned from this myth. For instance, no matter how hungover and ashamed you are, never go off riding on a boat loaded with serpents.