The Texans go to Hell in a handbasket: Blame it on Lucy Van Pelt

Damned you, Lucy!

A woman's work is never done. Especially an evil woman. Reproduction through Fair Use/Courtesy of Wikipedia-Creative Commons
A woman’s work is never done. Especially an evil woman. Reproduction through Fair Use/Courtesy of Wikipedia-Creative Commons

Perhaps the Houston Texans might find more truth in advertising if they renamed themselves the Charlie Browns. It seems fitting for the team, especially this year. They started out so exciting last night in the first half against Indianapolis. Yes, the first half, with rookie former University of Houston quarterback Case Keenum throwing three end zone bombs to Andre Johnson. It looked oh so promising despite the battered Oilers Texans.

Star running back Arian Foster, already nursing a sore Achilles, played what seemed to be one possession before going out for the rest of the evening with a back injury. The other half of Houston’s backfield duo, Ben Tate, was fitted with some kind of flak jacket after getting pain shots for some broken ribs. Tate still played, hurt, to say the least.

The Texans also had injuries to their defense, including linebacking monster Brian Cushing sporting a season-ending LCL tear and broken fibula. Sure, they had J.J. Watt stepping up to play grizzly bear on the Colts offense. But when that old whistle blew, that mean little ol’ Lucy came out of nowhere ready to pull the football away from the Charlie Browns of the NFL. That certainly was an apt metaphor for Texans kicker Randy Bullock who missed three, count ’em, three freaking field goals with his final try kicking the Texans’ chance for overtime into far-off oblivion.

But, I’m getting ahead of myself. That is because, as many of you football folks already knew, Lucy, — likewise figuratively — kneecapped Texans Head Coach Gary Kubiak before he even had a chance to enter the locker room at half-time. “The Kube” was carted away to one of the many local hospitals for what was termed “stroke-like symptoms” even though team officials said Kubiak did not suffer a stroke or heart attack. Then what did he have? Well, in our little figurative world, Lucy Van Pelt.

Blame it on Lucy. Might as well. You can’t blame defensive coordinator Wade Phillips, who took over as interim team leader.

As one of my late firefighter friends, Bobby Dale, used to say: “Man, now that’s as f***ed up as a football bat!”

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