Big Mac: Wouldn’t you really rather have me? 
Wow, everywhere I look I see McDonald’s new Fruit and Walnut Salad.
” … it’s just what a girl wants. a heavenly combination of fresh, crisp apples…juicy, seedless grapes…creamy, low-fat yogurt and sweet candied walnuts. and the best part? it’s perfect for breakfast, lunch or snacktime, so i can get a “fruit buzz”…whenever … “
Every girl wants a fruit buzz? I guess that explains where I have been screwing up with women all these years. How thoughtless of me never considering that women really want a fruit buzz. What the hell is a fruit buzz anyway? Is it like apple crack, or melon smack,or satsuma sinsemilla?
McDonald’s is going on a health kick and they’ve enlisted Destiny’s Child and Venus Williams. I guess we’ll soon be reading in the papers about those poor celebrities — all strung out in some roach-ridden motel — eyelids half closed — sprawled out over their squeaky beds.
Detective Owens: “Damn, ain’t it a shame. Venus was the best tennis player in the world and now look at her!”
Detective Jones: “Yeah. Fruit. Grapes to be exact. This poison is making all these women higher than a kite. We need to put these dealers so far behind bars that they can’t see daylight.”
Detective Owens: “If only McDonald’s stuck to Big Macs instead of fruit. What a waste!”
You’ve got to give McDonald’s this, they aren’t afraid to try something different. Take the McDLT.
I once interviewed for a story the man who invented the McDLT. For those of you who don’t remember, the McDLT was a hamburger in a Styrofoam container with the meat on a bun on one side to keep it warm, and the tomato and lettuce on the other side to keep it cool. The McDLT is no longer around.
The inventor was a Mickey D’s franchisee in Lufkin, Texas. He just came up with this idea one day. I don’t know whatever became of the fellow. I don’t know if anyone’s sculpted a statue commemorating his invention of the McDLT. I don’t know if he is rich. I don’t know if he is poor. I just hope he hasn’t gone broke, trying to support the habit of a wife strung out on McDonald’s new Fruit and Walnut Salad. Would that be irony — or just a crying shame?