Truth, justice and the American gay chicken

Judge John Roberts making nerve gas as a chemistry student at La Lumiere School in Indiana.

It will take nothing short of a miracle to liven up the Senate confirmation hearings for John Roberts. So far the senators seem content to ask Roberts questions of law. Boring dude. What I would not give to see two distinct occurrences in these important hearings for the man who could be chief justice of the U.S. Supreme Court for the next 30 or so years.

1)I wish someone, anyone, on the panel would hypnotize Roberts and make him act like a chicken.

2)I would like to see one of the senators get down to the question everybody’s been wanting to ask but is afraid to ask. “Judge Roberts, are you gay?” (Not that there’s anything wrong with it, as Seinfeld would say)

God, wouldn’t the mood of America just go completely on the upswing if Roberts flew out of that seat, tucked his hands under his armpits and boisterously clucked and crowed like a rooster fleeing Col. Sanders? I know I’d certainly be in a better mood provided someone taped it for me so I can play it over and over and over. It would be even better if the future CJ squawked out the tune to some song, say Johann Strauss’ “The Blue Danube.”

And it truly isn’t anyone’s business whether Roberts is gay or not. I think asking someone point blank if they are gay is rather rude under most circumstances. That’s why some senator should do it. My reasoning is this: I don’t care if Roberts is gay, straight or has an affection for Freedom Fries. I just want something to happen during these hearings to convince me when I see it on television that I am not actually watching “Night of the Living Dead.” Holy humdrum Batman, these confirmation hearings are a drag.

I hate to be cynical. Well, that’s not true, but it will take some bombshell that will blast Arlen Specter out of his shorts (which is something I truly do not want to see)for Roberts not to be confirmed. Then no one really knows except the new justice how he might rule on cases until they actually come before him. I take him at his word that he doesn’t even know.

So we might as well have a little fun at his expense. We can start a new constitutionally-mandated hazing ritual for new chief justices. The Senate should do something, for Pete’s sake, before millions succumb to boredom.

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