A day in the life from those with mostly little hope

If I was a Republican — and pigs, of course, could fly — I would be halfway around the proverbial bend by now listening to the myriad of words about and from the mouths of all the 2012 presidential hopefuls. It is just staggering the news and the talking points and the yip-yap flying through the air and over the Internet and onto the printed pages of the media. A more cynical soul might think that this was a GOP prank to show all that the party had, themselves and without help from the legislative branch, invented a full-employment act for journalists and politicos.

Here is a little taste from a day in the life of the chase for the 2012 GOP presidential nomination:

The Godfather of Pizza, Herman Cain, told an Ohio crowd that “stupid people are ruining America.” Cain apparently had that epiphany after having gone through recent sex scandals and news that he allegedly has been carrying on a 13-year affair with a woman who is not his wife. Yesterday he told supporters he was “reassessing” his campaign. Today he sounds like he is still in it. Unfortunately, the thought may not have occurred to Cain that he just might be one of those people to whom he refers.

There is only one Newt. So, he should go by only one name, Newt. Newt, “The Newt,” Newt will tell Sean Hannity in an interview tonight that he helped Ronald Reagan and Jack Kemp develop supply side economics and that Newt also helped defeat communism. Although the aforementioned pigs will fly before I watch the interview, I can imagine Newt might also proclaimed that he helped Al Gore invent the Internet, he helped Edward Teller develop the hydrogen bomb and helped Bettie Nesmith Graham (mother of Monkee Mike Nesmith) invent Liquid Paper.

In yet another Faux News interview — Hmm, the network sure showcases a lot of Republicans. Wonder why? — Mitt “Mittens” Romney explained to Fox reporter Bret Baier that he did not exactly know how his position on immigration differed from that of Newt’s. But he’s sure it was somehow different. “Now what was it I said when I was governor of Massachusetts?”

Poor Rick Gov. “Good Hair” Perry. He seems to continue faltering in his quest to regain his status back at the top of the heap. I’d feel sorry for him except I know that if he doesn’t get the nomination — and it looks as if he may not — he will return to Texas and continue to make our lives a living hell. Maybe it’s the pressure of the campaign or maybe he’s been eating peyote buttons but he continues flubbing chunks of information that even an 18-year-old would know, like the legal age for voting. (It’s 18.) (It’s 21 to buy al-ki-haul.)

Michelle “Crazy Lady” Bachmann was supposed to call in to a South Carolina talk radio show the other day. The host waited and waited some more. He finally discovered Bachmann stood him up after glancing up at the TV and seeing her talking on Fox News. There must be some theme here, all these Republican politicians on Fox News!

I would normally make fun of Rick Santorum but for the news that he has been campaigning with a seriously ill 3-year-old daughter. I don’t like Santorum, I think he’s a sanctimonious SOB. But I will say this. I somehow understand his rationale for a campaign which has less than a snowball’s chance. Still, I believe that if I was in his shoes I’d go home and spend however many years, months or days he has to spend with his little girl.

Ron “Dr. No and No Some More” Paul has a 2 1/2-minute Web ad going off on Newt. Newt’s ties to the health care industry. Newt’s flip-flopping. Newt’s taking money from Freddie Mac. Newt’s taking money from the late Bernie Mac. Newt’s taking money from the way late Ted Mack. I watched the ad. You would think Ron Paul wouldn’t use Newt’s name and Newt’s picture so much during those 2 1/2 minutes. You know, even bad publicity is good publicity?

You know that Jon “Not in the Hunt” Hunstman really seems more Democrat than Republican when he uses terminology not heard since the first Clinton presidential campaign. The term “hopeful” really applies to Huntsman. Especially the “hope” part.