An afternoon shot to hell except for the dog photo

List this. Everywhere one goes on the Internets is where a list can be found. The “Top 10 Cities for Romance.” “The Top 15 Scenic Municipal Sewage Treatment Plants.” “The 20 Places Where Paris Hilton’s Wimpy Little Chihuahua ‘Tinkerbell’ Bit Someone.”

The Bluetick Coonhound pictured is not a wimpy little dog, by the way. I just thought I’d mention that seeing as how my painter, as in paintings, friend Teddy asked my preference in hunting dogs. I explained to her that I no longer hunt — nothing against hunting other than my lack of patience — and I never used a dog for hunting, but my favorite hunting dogs is the bluetick. I mean, come on, who couldn’t love a bluetick except for maybe Tinkerbell? But I think a bluetick might like a nervous little Chihuahua. A little friend to play with. Awwww. Well, maybe not.

That is why lists are used so extensively by Internet publications — because they have nothing else of intelligence to say — like this list on the financial site 24/7 Wall St. titled “The Eight Beers Americans No Longer Drink.” Or the sports read Bleacher Report which examines the “50 Worst NFL Coaches of All Time.” I won’t give away Numero Cincuenta but the coach’s name is reminiscent either of a small Texas border town or the name of a 70s and 80s porn star.

Realizing the immense significance of lists on the Internet — I even got paid for one or two — I proudly present for this Friday afternoon’s viewing pleasure:

“Mr. EFD’s Big Freakin’ List of Vacuousness.”

1. Congressman arrested while double-clutching a paradigm shift.

2. Shrimp on a stick, crabs on a bed.

3. Pompous naked guy says a lot about little.

4. “Four jack rabbits are sliding up the flagpole, Marge.”

5. To dial “15” press 1-5. To dial 1-5, press 1. To dial 1, press 5. To dial 5, press 1. To hear this message in eastern Scandinavian press the pound sign. To hear this message again, dial “15.”

6. Gerald lived a life of quiet desperation during the 25 years, 7 months and 10 days it took him to program his remote control.

7. Sandy idolized Marilyn Monroe until the day she stood waiting above a helicopter’s rotor for her white cocktail dress to blow above her knees.

8. The noted proctologist and amateur hockey player is being sued for malpractice after allegedly leaving his hockey stick, socks, skates and puck inside the patient during surgery.

9. Nothing’s impossible I have found. Except when I am mugged by a clown. I pick myself up. Dust myself off. And spend a year on my analyst’s couch.

10. “Then the fish came alive, with his death in him, and rose high out of the water showing all his great length and width and all his power and his beauty. He seemed to hang in the air above the old man in the skiff. Then the old man shook his head and looked down into the chair where his patient was having a root canal. The old man thought to himself: ‘I think I just used up the laughing gas.’ “