My name is Suh! How do you do? Hi Mr. Suh, are you wearing a Kevlar cup?

A mind-numbing day has it been. Anytime that I must pay more than $700 to repair my 20th century automobile I must classify the day as something or the other. But alas, I finally have my elderly truck back in my loving arms, so …

It might be too late to discuss something that happened on Thanksgiving but here goes. Did you see Detroit Lions tackle Ndamukong Suh kick Houston Texans quarterback Matt Schaub in the nuts during the game on Thanksgiving? (Warning: Watching it could make one writhe in sympathy.)

Suh has the reputation now as being one of, if not the. dirtiest NFL players. All you have to do watch this one to get the — ooooh — drift.

But the NFL says they won’t suspend Suh, as they should, although they might fine him. I think what the most fitting punishment would be to tie up Mr. Suh in the middle of the field and have some of the league’s best kickers take turns whacking him in the privates. Well, that would be a little rough, plus he already has enough punishment playing for Detroit.

Enough of that. On to my thoughts about how Houston played. Well, the Texans played good enough to win in overtime. But wait, didn’t we see that in their victory over Jacksonville?

It definitely shows another side to Houston when they come back to win in overtime. But methinks that maybe the Texans shouldn’t have been stuck in the same situation being down. Plus, the Texans have had Red Zone trouble since Wide Track was a pup. (Okay, only those from a certain area might be familiar with that one.)

Next up for Houston, Tennessee. We hate the Titans. Why Texans? Because we once had a little team called the Oilers and this vile, vile man named Bud took our beloved Oilers to Tennessee. Bud will forever remain vile of the vilest. We can have no OT. Only beat the crap out of the Titans.

If you come back sometime later, you might just find how I really feel!

 

 

 

Paint it black, just not your turkey

History repeating itself is not always the best road to travel especially when traveling down that road with combustibles and a big damn turkey.

Six years ago I was living with my good friend Ross who had one of those super-duper stainless steel grills out back on his patio. Being it Thanksgiving, Ross decided he was going cook a turkey on his super silver stainless steel grill. I got to admit the grill was beaut.

I went out somewhere for awhile that day with the lady I was dating at the time. When I got back to the Ross-i-dence, I could hear my bud say something like “Go check out the turkey.”

Thanksgiving 2006. A day which shall live in infamy.

Well, check out the turkey I did. And I decided right then and there that the turkey that day was done for certain.

The words I wrote that day are as apt today as they were nearly 2,200 days ago:

  ” … I think undone turkey can cause some kind of virus in which a person goes running around in a circle with his or her arms flapping up and down to the point that the person has to be shot to put them out of their misery. I think that’s why some people say improperly cooked turkeys can be dangerous.

  “So make sure your turkey is properly cooked. At least 1,600 degrees is recommended. If you see the stainless steel on your grill disintegrating (see turkey photo), then you know you are on the right track.

  “Have a happy and safe Turkey Day.”

And eat up boys and girls. There is probably an IHOP open somewhere.

Hey coach, stay away from Notre Dame!

Not much to talk about today. It’s been a day off that feels as if “off” wasn’t anywhere near. Therefore, a few notes about football.

Yes, football. The Texans came close to getting their second loss of the season playing the one-win Jacksonville Jaguars. The Texans stayed down then came back only to win in the stupid overtime. I don’t care much for the present-day overtime rules in pro or college or high school football. Why not just stop and let all the players dance a boogaloo or something. I still don’t care much for football players dancing, especially when they dance for doing something routine that is their job, say for making a tackle or sacking a quarterback. Houston finally won but goldarn it, the Texans should have wasted Jacksonville.

I also don’t care much for receivers who go apeshit when they drop a pass and start pointing at the defensive back so the Zebra will notice and possibly call interference. Most of the time, it just makes the players look as if they are a bunch of whiners, not to mention bald-face liars.

Likewise, I don’t think players should pour a bucket of Gatorade on the coach when the team wins a big game. Isn’t that what the teams are there to accomplish, winning the game? Let’s try a little inverse. Suppose the team loses the big one. What ‘say the team should pour a bucket full of hydrochloric acid on the coach?  Or perhaps throw a vat full o’ hot lead on Coach as did Quasimodo spilled molten lead on those from the cheap seats in the Victor Hugo classic “The Hunchback of Notre Dame?” Fun fact: Hunchback was originally a fullback.

One thing I will say about the last Texans game I watched. That is Andre Johnson is beginning to look like he is about 10 years younger. Man, if that cat had real teams to play with and could have had quarterbacks standing upright over all these years to throw him passes, there would be no telling what the Texans could have done. But that didn’t happen so, almost 10 years later, the team is clicking. Let’s just hope it keeps on truckin’.

Well, that is all I have to say about that, friends. So enjoy.

Five years ago today: We were left ‘Whipple-less’

Hidy hi friends and neighbors. I feel strange writing in the morning but I have to work from 1:30-8:00 this evening. I usually work an evening about once a month. It’s not something I relish but it helps pay for pickles. Did I say that? Seriously folks, I receive two hours of premium time working 6-8 p.m. which means I get paid two extra hours for working those two.

I haven’t had my fill of coffee yet this morning so I am about as sharp as a dull butter knife. So, for lack of something better to write about, I decided I would memorialize someone who made our lives better, or at least softer and gentler.

Reading the obituaries this morning, to make sure I am not listed in it, I noticed a “Legends and Legacies” article for one Dick Wilson. Looking at a picture of the man, who passed away five years ago, one might see a partly-bald, bespectacled gent with an odd inverted “V” mustache. He even looked as if he might have been a kindly fellow as he scrutinized the aisles of his grocery stores to ensure an item was where it should be. That kindness would quickly disappear though when some customer was found squeezing the Charmin’ TP.

Yes, Dick played Mr. Whipple, whose sole purpose in life was to keep folks from fondling the “squeezably soft” tissue.

Wilson was born Riccardo DiGuglielmo in Britain in 1916. His family moved to Hamilton, Ontario, where he landed a part-time radio job at the age of 15. After graduating from college he became a comedic dancer. When the war came Wilson joined the Royal Canadian Air Force in which he served as a fighter pilot. Wilson saw action in the Battle of Britain against the Luftwaffe.

During the 1960s and beyond Wilson appeared in numerous televisions shows some of which were recurring roles including ones in “Bewitched” and “Hogan Heroes.” But his biggest starring role was the often irritating television commercial. He once remarked: “I’ve done thirty-eight pictures and nobody remembers any of them, but they all remember me selling toilet paper.” TP was very, very good to him though. He earned $300,000 a year working only 12 days a year. Wilson also lived the rest of his lifetime supplied with free Charmin. Coincidentally, the first series of commercials were filmed in, ahem, Flushing, New York, according to Wikipedia.

Wilson, who died on this day in 2007, played Whipple from 1964-1985. The Charmin brand eventually used animated bears as spokepersons for the brand. Whether the bears came about from the old question: “Does a bear s**t in the woods?” has not been disclosed by the company.