Author: Dick

A secret shopper follows-up on a customer purchase from Victoria Secrets.

It seems like a lot of secret shopper opportunities are out there these days. Everywhere you turn, on a job board or on craigslist, an advertisement is offering a wonderful career as a mystery shopper, restaurant reviewer, etc.

About 20 years ago I did some secret shopping for this company out of Austin. The job consisted of going to a number of Dairy Queens in East Texas, buying a meal and then writing a report about the experience. They wanted to know about the quality of the food, cleanliness of the place, customer service and yadda. Although I really don’t remember, I suppose they paid me something else other than in Hunger Busters and Chicken Finger Baskets (Before this experience, I never knew chicken had fingers, badum-bum-CHING!)

But without a doubt my experience as a DQ detective got old. One can only eat a hamburger that is undercooked, survive and then write about its lack of flavor so many times. I did, however, count myself as fortunate that my sleuthing was at Dairy Queen rather than some of the secret shopper company’s other clients such as a particular chain hair salon. Like a friend told me back then: “How many bad haircuts can a person get?”

Actually, I had a near-tragic experience at that chain salon. For the life of me, I can’t recall the name of the chain. It was long ago — when I had hair and when I visited barber shops rather than making my pool-cue head an extension of my facial shave.

One day I got a haircut at this chain which was inside a Longview, Texas, mall. The haircut was going okay until the barber spied this pretty, young woman who was walking in the mall wearing spray-on jeans and a halter top that might have covered a couple of pennies on a good day. Now, I must say that I looked rather intently at this work of nature and/or cosmetic surgery. After all, what else is there to do in a barber’s chair? The problem was the barber — with clippers in one hand and a comb in the other — was also checking out Miss It and he stuck the comb in my eye. Fortunately, I wasn’t injured.

I am telling all this in case someone who is reading this blog is thinking about a career as a secret shopper. It isn’t all glamor and intrigue. Real dangers exist such as E. coli from who-knows-what-or-where or being blinded by an inattentive barber. Trust me, it’s just not worth it.

Close the fort gates! Man the big guns! Yes indeed, the War on Christmas is upon us.

At first it was the right-wing self-promoting dunderheads such as Bill O’Reilly who warned us that the secular progressives were wanting to put the kibosh on Christmas. Just who these secular progressives are who would destroy the celebration for all Christians is perhaps known only in the minds of the O’Reillys of the world.

Well, let me tell you, things have just gone bad to worse. Now it’s the Jews (You know, those people who Mel Gibson says starts all the wars) who want to burn our Christmas trees and smash our festive lights into dust. Just check out what’s happened in the Northwest.

Officials at the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport ordered that Christmas trees be taken down. The trees had decorated the facility’s entrance for the past 25 years. Such drastic steps were not so much as a complaint response as it was an overreaction to a suggestion, according to the rabbi who was responsible for the trees being yanked. The rabbi had asked the airport to build a menorah and hold a lighting ceremony along with the Christmas decorations.

However, the head of the airport’s governing body said some time-sensitive ultimata were issued by the rabbi’s attorneys. The airport suppposedly believed it would be easier to deal with the situation — at least for the time being — by taking down the trees.

Thank Shiva that all this wasn’t caused by those Godless secular progressives!

What is so galling about this story is not that the rabbi suggested a symbol of his faith be added or even that the trees symbolizing Christmas were removed. No, what is irritating is how the so-called “mainstream media” has jumped on the bandwagon that has mostly been pulled by the dunderheaded reactionaries.

Perhaps it is just that the media are overcompensating or don’t want to offend those to whom the Bill O’Reillys play. Not that it matters because many of those people hate the media anyway.

Then again, the Christmas war bandwagon could be a case of group think among editors and television news bigwigs who believe any conflict, no matter how ridiculous, is compelling to their audience.

Having to accommodate those of different faiths and backgrounds is just part of living in this melting pot of ethnicities and beliefs. Sure people want to show and celebrate their traditions and religious backgrounds. Sometimes there will be disagreements. That isn’t exactly something new.

And just because people don’t always agree on every little detail about each others’ lives does not mean that it is a war. It is when dialog between people breaks down and viewpoints and opinions are intractable as well as unworthy of consideration that leads to more serious disagreements in which war might erupt somewhere way down the line.

As long as people are talking — even though some weasel attorney — there is no war. It’s merely a discussion.

Whew, that sounds like a headline straight out of Borat. Nonetheless, it’s Friday and time for a little fun with government pictures. Why? It’s immature and plus, we can, that’s why.

Grip and grin No. 1

The Decider-in-Chief, wanting to project a newer, more accommodating image, holds hands with PM Tony Blair and sings “Kumbaya” for the jackals in the press corps.

Never can say goodbye

U.S. Sen. Jeff Sessions, R-Ala., left, ponders what he will do without his little buddy, outgoing and retiring Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, R-Tenn. Here they reminisce about one of Dr. Frist’s most memorable moment’s: the video diagnosis of Terry Schiavo.

Rummy’s “Dick Nixon” moment

Fired Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld tells Pentagon personnel during a Friday town hall meeting that they “won’t have Don Rumsfeld to kick around anymore.” This was before he was escorted out the main exit of the Pentagon by Marines, who then took his security badge and his secret decoder.

Grip and grin No. 2

The White House displays its portable “world leader mask” that is worn by a disguised Secret Service agent. The ruse is to make it appear that President Bush is meeting with Sayyed Abdul-Aziz Al-Hakim, leader of the Supreme Council for the Islamic Revolution in Iraq. The heads of various world leaders are sculpted into life-like masks worn by Secret Service and other White House personnel whenever the president pretends to be meeting a foreign official whom he does not want anywhere near him.

¿Quien es mas macho?

El Capitán, Texas Vicegobernador David Dewhurst es mas macho on his very own trading card found on the “Niños del Senado de Texas” Web site. This is destined to become a collector’s item along with the upcoming card for El presidente de la Cámara Tom Craddick, Republicano por Midland.

New home for Texas prisoners outside of Wink, Texas

Politicians often go for the simple answers when it comes to matters such as law and order. This is as true in Texas as in the rest of the country. However, Texas has been traditionally home to a “lock-em-up and throw-away-the-key” mentality. That is until practicality gets in the way. If those jails start getting crowded and the money isn’t there to give some small town a new state prison as governmental pork, then you see all manners of rapists and murders getting set free from prisons.

Most politicos would prefer to have it both ways. For instance, Rep. Phil King, R-Weatherford, has pre-filed a bill that would allow the state to look tough on crime AND provide alternative inmate housing. And all of it would be accomplished by merely scratching from existing law about two dozen letters.

King wants a change in law which would allow prisoners to be housed in tents indefinitely rather than merely on a temporary basis. Local county sheriffs and commissioners would not have to ask permission of the State Commission on Jail Standards to house prisoners in tents or other facilities which are not jails. No, King took his pen and scratched that out. And he also scratched out “TEMPORARY” on the section’s caption. That’s right, do the time and you may find yourself in a God-forsaken ice storm on some lonely farm in the Panhandle or perhaps fending off alligators and hummingbird-sized mosquitoes out in the coastal marshes.

So what is so wrong with housing inmates in tents anyway? I mean, isn’t it fun to go camping? Yes, camping can be a lot of fun. But there is a difference between being forced to camp and putting up a tent for a weekend or vacation getaway. But just think what it would do for your local sheriff. Keeping inmates in tents would be just one more way politicians could show that they mean bidness. “We all are tough on crime down in these here parts, ya heah?”

My concerns are not so much aimed at the comfort and welfare of the prisoners as it is for the safety of the communities near the prison camps. Housing inmates in tents may be tough. But how secure is it going to be? You hear about jailbreaks and escapes from prisons almost every day. Do you remember how easy it was to sneak out of the tent at church camp and paddle across the lake to the girls’ camp? Well, just remember that these campers in tents would be professional criminals, many of whom made a living sneaking in and out of places before getting caught.

If you want to give Phil King a rousing applause for his tough-on-crime solution to jail overcrowding, then by all means please do so. Just don’t come bitching to me when your neighborhood is locked after some inmate flys the coop, er, the tent. Deal?

President Bush names
Potato Head as
Middle East envoy

Here are some of the stories making headlines today:

Silly IED finders

Silly String is being by U.S. troops in Iraq to detect trip wires on booby traps, according to the The New York Times.

“Before entering a building, troops squirt the plastic goo, which can shoot strands about 10 to 12 feet, across the room. If it falls to the ground, no trip wires. If it hangs in the air, they know they have a problem. The wires are otherwise nearly invisible.”

Pentagon officials said Silly String can also be used for a restraining device in the manner that flexible handcuffs are used. However, the captor has to remind the captive not to move his or her hands while cuffed or else, well, they will become an escapee.

Other side benefits for soldiers using Silly String, according to the product’s description:

“–Bring in the Silly String spray streamer and bring out the fun for parties, games and celebrations of all kinds
–To max your enjoyment, arm yourself with lots of Silly String spray streamer and always follow the directions”

Troops are reminded to arm themselves with automatic weapons and hand grenades as well when deploying the Silly String detection system.

Funky-looking tuber to be named envoy

Sources inside the White House have indicated that President Bush will follow through on one of the Iraq Study Group’s recommendations which is to begin talks with Iran and Syria. Long-time dapper diplomat Mr. Potato Head is said to be named as an envoy who will talk with the leaders of those countries about the future in Iraq.

Those sources also indicated that a major blunder was averted when the name of Mr. Bush’s first choice for envoy, Miss Piggy, was withdrawn for consideration by White House staffers.

Perry says don’t fence me in

Texas Gov. Rick Perry has apparently softened his approach to border security. The governor, known by most Texans as Gov. Goodhair, said this week that building a fence along the Mexican-U.S. is a preposterous idea.

“How am I supposed to go to Mexico when a fence has been raised?” asked Perry, a one time cheerleader at Texas A & M University.

During his campaign for re-election, Perry emphasized his leadership on strengthening border security. He ordered surveillance cameras be placed along the border to detect illegal crossings. A recent report on the system’s test run indicates that no illegal immigrants were seen on the cameras. However, an influx of jackrabbits crossing the Rio Grande into Texas were spotted. This led to the jumpy creatures’ capture by agents of the Texas Department of Agriculture. The Ag agents transported the jackrabbits across the bridge from Texas into Nuevo Laredo where they were released. Mexican media indicated that the mass released triggered hysteria among shop owners and tourists.

“I thought I had drunk too much tequila,” said Sam Benderson, a tourist from Salinas, Kan., who was visiting a local cantina. “All of a sudden, these big rabbits came out of nowhere, running under tables and jumping up on people’s legs. It was scary I tell you.”