Author: Dick

For no reason other than sheer insanity, I briefly contemplated the other day running for political office. My county, Jefferson County, Texas, is one of a dwindling number of counties in the state that continues to elect an inspector of hides and animals. I thought about mounting a campaign to run for that office as an independent in November. Why? It’s not because the incumbent is doing a bad job. Actually, he doesn’t do anything. The job has no duties. In bygone years a hide inspector would inspect hides and other animals. But that is no more.

The incumbent is a fellow named J.T. “Corky” Wheeler. I read a story about him saying that he ran for the office to help preserve some of the state’s heritage. I feel like that is about as good a reason to run for office as anything. Some who have sought this office in other counties actually campaigned to abolish the office. I don’t know that the office is costing taxpayers anything. Wheeler doesn’t get paid and had to pay $50 out of his own pocket to get on the ballot. I think I read the other day where he got somewhere around 19,000 votes in the Democratic primary. Not bad for a fellow who has no duties and no real record.

I guess the question for me as a potential candidate would be: Could I do even less than Wheeler if I somehow was elected? It’s tempting to say that I could. After all, I once was elected “Laziest” boy in my high school. It’s the only high school election that I won and I really didn’t run for it. I don’t really see either how infusing new blood into an archaic position would make any sense. I certainly have nothing against Wheeler. As I said, I think his motivation for being elected makes about as much sense or even more than many candidates for office. I think he’s been a pretty damned good inspector of hides.

So the bottom line is that I decided not to run. It might have been fun. Although, I think I would really would have faced an uphill battle running against someone for an office which doesn’t have any real duties. I shall not seek the office. But I will never say never. I think I can hold my own with the rest of them when it comes to doing nothing.

I am taking a break from yet another bout with tech writing. I don’t know if I have taken a break for the day or just for a little while. It is very easy to talk myself into taking the rest of the day off. I have put in a good seven solid hours of work today, give or take a few minutes here and there to stretch and watch it rain.

Does my revelation excite you? Well, if it does then perhaps you should be eaten by a bear. And really I say that in a good way. You know, life would maybe be more exciting for you if you were eaten by a bear. Maybe exciting is not the right word. Terrifying? Dead? Six of one, half dozen of eggs over easy.

In reality I would not want anyone who reads this to be eaten by the bear. Let me just establish that fact for the record. So if you see on some blog somewhere or on Bill O’Reilly or some other Nazi f**k’s wingnut show that EFD is advocating people should be eaten by bears it isn’t true. It isn’t true except I’m kind of torn, no pun intended, about whether O’Reilly should be eaten by a bear. No, I’m sure it would be tragic if O’Reilly was eaten by the bear. It might be tragic for the bear, although I don’t think a bear would eat him. But if a bear did eat O’Reilly, do you think that would make it as the most ridiculous item of the day on his TV show?

No, I don’t think anyone deserves the fate of being eaten by a bear unless you are bear prey then you are on your own. But I reserve the right to change my mind.

President Bush makes a poor attempt to snap his fingers while the Marine Corps Band plays the “Addams Family” theme song.

Poor GW. I think the presidency is getting to him. He actually let a couple of people ask him unscripted questions yesterday. And today he took a question from Helen Thomas at a press conference before Bush fled from the room screaming. Here are some excerpts of the president’s answers to the press:

“Listen, thank you for your time.”

“Thanks for asking that question.”

“Please no hand gestures.”

“Thanks for asking that question.”

“Listen, thank you for your time.”

“Listen, thank you for your time.”

“Listen, thank you for your time.”

It’s nice to know we’ve got a president who is so thankful. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And please, no hand gestures.

What would Bode Miller do? That’s the question the San Jose Mercury News asks in relation to our favorite missing whippet show dog Vivi. The Merc suggests that:

“Vivi wanted to hit the big city, sniff some other dogs, slow-dance with some human legs, drink from a toilet.”

We can only hope. Sooner or later Vivi is going to have to surface. And you better believe that pooch will have some story!

” … and you can trust me, because I never lie and I’m always right.” — George LeRoy Tirebiter.

Blogs are not trusted as a news source. Wow. You could have knocked me over with a feather (a lead-filled feather) after reading that pearl of wisdom from columnist Marie Coco. Ms. Coco, whose name I could childishly ridicule but will not, writes:

“Blogs are, in fact, the least trusted news source, according to data compiled by Consumer Reports and published in the latest study of the news media conducted by the Project for Excellence in Journalism. Only 12 percent of those surveyed about trust in various media outlets said they believe what they read in blogs all or most of the time. That’s compared with 56 percent who said they could believe newspapers and television news.”

That is kind of a broad-brush analysis don’t you think Ms. Coco? I mean, there are blogs that I would believe all of the time, although certainly few. But there also are newspapers and television news outlets I certainly would not believe all of the time. I’m not naming any specific media outlets such as The Washington Times and Fox News but let’s just say if the shoe fits …

Coco (I love saying that name) seems to be afflicted with blogophobia, a condition I certainly can understand given the media’s continued assertions that blogs are the biggest thing since Scotch whisky. Having been a member of the media I can honestly say that the industry is like the person who believes that if taking a pill will cure you, then taking a whole bunch of pills will cure you even better. The news biz is eaten up with what state troopers like to call “overcorrection,” as when a person overcorrects their steering error and incorrectly smashes into a tree.

It is also true what Coco says that “few pajama-clad bloggers were seen wading through hip-deep water in New Orleans to cover the perils wrought by Hurricane Katrina in the way that mainstream reporters and camera crews did.”

But here is the thing about the so-called “blogosphere:” It’s big enough for both of us Ms. Coco. Blogs can be legitimate news sources. They can be opinion forums. They can be rants. They can be “Dear Diary.” They can be smut. They can be all of that wrapped into one. I understand if Coco is a little resentful about bloggers, especially when those in the news media get pounded every day by every nutcase blowhard. All I ask is that blogs be accepted for whatever they are and then we will get on with whatever it was we were doing before she wrote this column. The trouble is, I forgot what I was doing so I suppose I shall do something else.

(Blogmeister’s note: For those of you who don’t catch the reference, George Tirebiter was a character from Firesign Theater’s classic album “Don’t Crush That Dwarf, Hand Me the Pliers.” Tirebiter was named for a shaggy dog that used to hang around the University of Southern California in the 1940s and became a mascot of sorts. So now you know.)