Author: Dick

As much as I like the utopian concept of a No Shop Day I ventured out on Black Friday to buy a few things. Yes, I even went to the dreaded store that liberals hate — Wal-Mart. Like some of my friends I realize Wal-Mart has its shortcomings in more areas than on which I have time to elaborate. But after looking long and hard I didn’t believe I would be able to find an 18 x 18 x 1 central heat/air filter anywhere else in this city. That is what is wrong with all the high-minded activism against Wal-Mart and the like. They’ve got us over a barrel and until reasonably priced alternatives for all the things we need are fully available in both urban and rural areas at places which present a viable alternative to Wally World, a few people not shopping at Wal-Mart are not going to make all that much difference.

With that said our holiday spirit ugliness certainly seemed to raise its head at a couple of Wal-Marts on Friday. One of those scenes was at the very store where I later shopped in Beaumont, Texas. It seems a hundred or so early-bird shoppers all flocked to the electronics section to buy about a handful of laptop computers on sale and … well you do the math. An off-duty policeman apparently thought things were getting out of hand and he shot off a blast of pepper spray, according to news reports. No one was seriously hurt, but I’m sure someone will sue.

What the hell is wrong with people? Are material goods of such importance that we lose all semblance of civility? I guess so. It’s only just after Thanksgiving. Looks like a long holiday season ahead.

For those of us who live in the U.S. it is sometimes hard to think about what goes on in other parts of the world not dominated by President Bush or Denny Hastert or Jennifer Anniston. Take Botswana for example.

Botswana in southern Africa happens to need rain right now. Bishop Barnabus Lekganyane, who has some 6 million followers in the Zionist Christian Church in southern Africa visited Gaborone, capital of Botswana, last week just to make it rain. Well, Lekganyane had a much wider agenda that included tackling the AIDS epidemic there. But although some rain had been forecast during the past weekend, Lekganyane’s faithful insisted he made it rain, according to Botswana’s Mmegi Online.

“They insist the rains came immediately the ZCC brass band stopped playing on Saturday night at the National Stadium. The rains went on to Sunday and stopped just before the prayers could start. Some followers believed that it would rain after Lekganyane had finished his sermon. But nothing of the sort happened.”

Still, a top Gaborone official proclaimed the rain as a miracle if that is indeed what it was.

“The deputy Gaborone mayor, Ezekiel Dube supported the Master of Ceremony and said at the Saturday rainfall and today’s rainfall ‘has put the debates to an end. Now we know that ZCC led by its Bishop has prayed and their prayers have been answered.'”

Who is to say whether the bishop made it rained or whether some good weather forecasting had taken place? Rain is rain is rain. And apparently they needed the rain.

Of Interior Secretary Gayle Norton. Don’t you think?

I have been experimenting with some photo tools and I just couldn’t help myself. Sorry for the two turkeys in a row. Or is that three?

Next year I will get my own reality TV show.

Whether you eat turkey for Thanksgiving or not, you just got to love turkeys. They are the creatures with looks perhaps only another turkey could appreciate. Their look is one of perpetually being lost. It’s a look that says: “What did I do with my car keys?” That is provided, of course, they had car keys or some way in which to use them. I cast about the ‘net (pun?)for some fun facts about the noble turkey since some of you out there (I’m talking about the 25 or so of you)will have a dead turkey stuffed with something squishy on your table tomorrow. And awayyyyyyyy we go:

1. The heaviest turkey ever raised was 86 pounds, about the size of a large dog.

The heaviest song I ever heard was “The Battle of Evermore” on Led Zepplin’s fourth album (the one with Zoso and the circles). Some say the song was based on J. R. R. Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings’ final volume, The Return of the King. I’m not so sure. “The apples turn to brown and black/The tyrant’s face is red.” Maybe I’m missing something but it sounds like they’re talking about an LSD trip here that was ruined when the father of one of them found out they were tripping and started lecturing them on the evils of illegal substances. But maybe not.

2. Wild turkeys can run 20 miles per hour.

Deep fried turkeys hardly ever run.

3. Turkeys’ heads change colors when they become excited.

Mianne Bagger, who had a sex-change surgery in 1995, created a lot of excitement when she became the first transsexual to play in a women’s professional golf tournament in last year’s Australian Open.

4. Six hundred seventy-five million pounds of turkey are eaten each Thanksgiving in the United States.

That includes turkey feet, which I am told tastes like chicken.

5. Turkeys lived almost ten million years ago.

Which might explain those really, really dry pieces that you sometimes get during your Thanksgiving dinner.

6. Male turkeys gobble. Hens do not. They make a clicking noise.

I don’t think any truth to the rumor exists that originally they wanted to name the movie about the Kalahari bushman: “The Turkey Hens Must Be Crazy.”

7. Turkeys can see in color.

Unfortunately, the color is chartreuse.

8. Turkeys have heart attacks. The United States Air Force was doing test runs and breaking the sound barrier. Nearby turkeys dropped dead with heart attacks.

Wow. I didn’t know that. I wonder how you would give CPR to a turkey?

9. In England, 200 years ago, turkeys were walked to market in herds. They wore booties to protect their feet. Turkeys were also walked to market in the United States.

Thus the origin of “Shake your bootie.” Turkeys were also herded out West by turkeyboys who rode Shetland ponies. And you can’t forget the famous turkeyboys’ song later recorded with slight differences by Leann Rimes: “The turkeys are prowlin’/The coyotes are howlin’/Way out where the doggies roam/Where the Shetlands are bringing/The turkeyboy who’s singin’/His lonesome turkey call. (Gobble, gobble, gobble yodel).

10. Turkey breeding has caused turkey breasts to grow so large that the turkeys fall over.

One such large-breasted turkey actually wed an 80-year-old Texas millionaire.

Happy Thanksgiving and thanks to the University of Illinois Extension Service for the interesting turkey facts.