Author: Dick

Sometime you walk around seeking direction and other times you know where you have been. Say what? I don’t quite understand that myself, but I nonetheless had somewhat of an epiphany on my morning walk today. I realized that I know without the slightest hesitation which way is north, south, east and west. Earth shattering stuff, I know. But after seven years of living in Waco it is a welcome relief to know which direction you are traveling.

Waco, the city, was laid out along the Brazos River and thus is directionally challenged. Streets that run north and south are east and west. Those that go east and west are said to be running north and south. I suppose up is down. Down is up. And the poor Baylor University bear mascot must continually chase its tail.

Seven years in that place and I never knew where in Sam Hill I was. I may have been in Sam Hill for all I know. It’s nice to know I can find my way around town without a compass. Now if I can follow my internal moral compass, I will be in “bidness” as they say in Tejas.

Reading the daily White House press briefing is a little like watching a piece of toast brown. Although, I think watching a piece of bread turn into toast is maybe just a little more exciting than watching White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan bob and weave his way through non-answers to the media’s questions.

In my very limited dealings with the White House — maybe 15 calls to the press office as a reporter and perhaps three of those calls were returned with comments, or returned at all — I have come to believe that the Bush administration has mastered the artform of saying nothing. If some White House spokesman such as Taylor Gross actually returns your call, his answer will largely be nonsense. And if you read the press briefings that Scott McClellan holds, you’ll find an entire session full of even more nonsense.

Today, the White House did not want to talk about the Supreme Court ruling that says government can take your property through eminent domain for economic development purposes. Here is an actual exchange at today’s press briefing between McClellan and a reporter:

Q Suppose that McLennan County, Texas, decides that a center for slot machines would bring in much more revenue than the Bush ranch. Would the President try to fight the eminent domain, as now legalized by five members of the Supreme Court, by means of the Aderholt-Shelby bill, or how?
MR. McCLELLAN: You know, I don’t know of any attempt by McLennan County to do such a thing, first of all. And, second of all, if they did, it’s a matter for McLennan County to deal with. But I know of no such effort.
Q He would fight it, wouldn’t he?
MR. McCLELLAN: Les, I think the President has made his views clear when it comes to private property rights. In terms of Supreme Court decisions, we obviously have to respect the decisions of the Supreme Court.
Q Does the President feel as strongly about that lady in New London, Connecticut, who will be forced out of her home where she was born and has lived for 87 years, does he feel as strong as Justice O’Connor feels, and does he believe this decision will help with his nomination of new justices?
MR. McCLELLAN: Les, we just haven’t talked about it, but the President is always concerned about the American people and their well being.
Q He really is concerned about this lady, isn’t he?

Well, of course Scott didn’t answer that question either. So it makes me wonder why we have a White House press office at all? Why does McClellan and his functionaries even bother showing up for work each day. They might as well stay home and say nothing and get paid for it. Hey, I could do that. If you pay me not to say anything I will be quieter than Harpo Marx after a snootful of Ativan.

Perhaps we will find out some of the answers to our questions after Bush leaves office and some other president hires a bunch of jackasses to say nothing to the American public through the media. Or maybe your grandkids studying history will find out what the hell these people were all up to one day. I wouldn’t bet on it though.

My brother and I made a roundtrip today to Tyler, Texas. It’s about three hours north of where we live. I made a point of checking the Road Conditions Web site for the Texas Department of Transportation. The site is supposed to have all the delays and closures from construction, floods, fires, pestilence, murder, mayhem and Jesus sightings. Sure enough, the site listed two spots where construction was likely to cause a delay on U.S. 69.

The good news was no road work or delays were taking place at that site. The bad news is construction and waiting for the dreaded “pilot truck” stuck us in traffic both ways for about 10 minutes each way just south of downtown Woodville, Texas.

If you’ve not had the pleasure of experiencing road work hell, which seems to be about every 10 miles in Texas, then you may not know what a pilot truck, or car, is. It is a vehicle that escorts traffic when only one lane of traffic is open. One side of the road doesn’t move and the pilot escorts the other side. Then the pilot turns around and gets to do it again. I’m sure it is a rewarding career for the foreman’s brother-in-law.

I guess it isn’t quite as bad being stuck in traffic when you know the reason why you’re sitting there. But when you see a bunch of equipment and men standing idle at the construction site while your side of the traffic likewise doesn’t move, it can be a source of road rage if you have better things to do. Of course, I’m sure everyone has something better to do than sit in traffic.

So drivers beware. The Internet may not always tell you the truth about where the delays and stops are along the highway paved with good intentions and millions of dollars thanks to the road construction lobby.

And you just might have to stop somewhere and wait for the foreman’s brother-in-law. But don’t worry. He will soon be back to take you down the path he has already traveled about 20 times today. Heck, by the time you get there he might even be good at it.

CIA chief Porter Goss has an “excellent” idea where Osama bin Laden is hiding, but he won’t say where or when he will be caught. In an interview with Time magazine’s Web site, Goss said:

“In the chain that you need to successfully wrap up the war on terror, we have some weak links. And I find that until we strengthen all the links, we’re probably not going to be able to bring Mr. bin Laden to justice. … “

“Excellent,” as Bill and Ted (played by Alex Winter and Keanu Reeves)would say. I have an excellent idea where bin Laden isn’t. He isn’t in U.S. custody, at least not that we know. So just how many weak links do we have to wrap up before we catch Osama? One, two, an entire sleeper cell? And who is the weakest link? And will that crappy TV show be revived?

A lot of questions remain yet to be answered. Personally, I think Osama is alive and living in a certain small Texas town which I will not name. I have the excellent idea that bin Laden is running a convenience store in that town, which by the way, is an excellent convenience store in an excellent little town.

So I don’t know how much stock I would put into Goss’ excellent wild ass guess that he knows where bin Laden may be. Because if the greatest military machine on earth has yet to find him then he may well be hiding out in that excellent little Texas town instead of the Afghanistan-Pakistan border.

And that wouldn’t be very excellent.

Isn’t it time you elected a dead man for governor?

In the ever-disappointing pre-run up for the Texas governor’s race I just don’t see anyone on the horizon that makes me want to get up in the morning and raise the Texas flag.

“Adios Mofo?” Did Rick Perry really say that on a television interview? He’s even more of an idiot than I thought.

I think, though, I have someone all Texans can get behind. Sam Houston. Yes. That Sam Houston. The same Sam Houston who defeated Santa Ana at San Jacinto. The same Sam Houston who was a friend of the Cherokees who called him “The Big Drunk.” The same Sam Houston who was the second and fourth Republic of Texas president, and was booted out as governor when he wanted Texas to remain a part of the union prior to the Civil War. Yes, yes, yes. The absolutely 100 percent dead Sam Houston.

It would not be unprecedented to elect a dead man as governor. It happened a few years ago when they re-elected Mel Carnahan as governor in Missouri after he was killed in a plane crash. I don’t think a dead person has been elected governor of Texas, at least anyone clinically dead.

I don’t know that the Texas Constitution allows electing a dead governor. But considering that the constitution has been amended more times than Michael Jackson’s nose there remains a good possibility that a “Draft Sam” movement might just be fruitful. After all, a good many Texas politicians (Lyndon B. Johnson for one) owe their office to all those dead people who elected them. Turnabout is fair play, so they say.

The state could really save a lot of money with Sam Houston as governor. He couldn’t endorse his paycheck. He would not be able to call special sessions of the legislature and run up millions in costs to the state’s taxpayers. He couldn’t even appoint anyone to boards and commissions. Just think how much money that would save?

It’s not a done deal that I’m going to come out for Big Sam (who by the way already has a huge statue on Interstate 45 south of Huntsville, so we wouldn’t have to build one of those) as my candidate for governor. I’m still thinking about Austin street person Leslie Cochran. But as it stands now it’s between Big Sam and Leslie.