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Giants-Patriots SB XLVI game better than most commericals with a few sweaty exceptions

What a great Super Bowl weekend. He said facetiously.

My weekend was spent with my jaw feeling as if it had been clobbered by Justin Tuck. It seems as if I somehow developed a TMD, which stands for temporomandibular joint disorder — and not some social disease get your head out of the gutter. That is the initial diagnosis I get having visited my VA “medical team” today. I didn’t even get to see my physician assistant, who is not a doctor, but who plays one in the VA clinic. Take an ibuprofen and see a dentist if it doesn’t get better. Then tell me, if it’s a medical problem, why should I spend money that I don’t have to see a dentist — I am not eligible to see one at the VA because of my patient status — who would likely say something is wrong with my molar(s) one way or another? Okay, rant out of the way. The ibuprofen is really doing the trick. He said facetiously.

The Super Bowl turned out to be a really good game, which was fortunate because the commercials that I really watch the game for when teams I have no interest in play — which has been pretty much the case in all but one game in the last 25 years — fell quite short.

My favorite commercials of all during this Super Bowl and pre-Super Bowl (hype) games were those of GEICO’s. The spot that made me roar in laughter despite a torturous jaw was the GEICO Gecko-meets-Richard Simmons.

Now pretty much anytime you have Richard Simmons “sweatin'” to something or other you can get a pretty good laugh. The poor gecko, in this outing, seemed as freaked as one might expect to see their Las Vegas hotel suite trashed in the morning. Sure you were out saving people money, little dude. Now it is understandable the gecko would become downright alarmed to see a deer wearing a lei come wandering out of the hallway. What a mess, what the deer and … why is Richard Simmons on the big-screen TV? But, wait, Richard Simmons in all his “glory” is in the room, exercising to himself on the TV. He shrieks upon sighting the gecko: “Hi!!! Come sweat with me me.”

Capping the hilarity is how the gecko backs slowly out of the room, away from Richard Simmons and quickly turns tail, fleeing from the little sweaty gay man. That is pure gold.

Maxwell, the GEICO pig, is also back from the zip-line commercial which didn’t do a lot for me. I suppose it is hard to top a supreme performance such as “Weee weee weee all the way home” of the original spot. This SB episode features Maxwell with his traditional “Weee … ” while zipping downhill on a street luge. Pulling up beside a guy also in the downhill race, Max gives the dude a cool upward nod of the head and suddenly yet calmly tells the racer “ah … head’s up” as a sign appears warning: “Reduce Speed.” Ah … ends badly for the other guy.

I give second place to the oldie but goodie CareerBuilder.com chimp trip commercial. And third to the E-trade Baby.

The Chevy “2012 Apocalypse” ads get an honorable mention. Ditto for the Elton John Pepsi commercial. The Bud Light “Platinum” commercials were the most disappointing. You can look all of these up here.

It seems every year since 9/11 the Super Bowl afternoon ads have overall provided less and less entertainment. Maybe it has something to do with a change in the nation’s sense of humor. I give as my example “Saturday Night Live” for the past decade which presents a comedy that appears alien. Plus, all the commercials can’t be “laugh out loud” amusing. I just wish more were clever.

Oh well. Thank goodness there are commercials that can both deliver laughs and effectively but expensively market its products. Kudos to the firms like The Martin Agency! That is with the exception of the Cave Man. He just creeps me out for some reason.

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Newt won S.C. but don’t count out Mitt “The Glove” Romney

Whoa! Stop the presses! U.S. Senator throws a hissy fit over normal TSA airport protocol.

That is for sure. Republican Sen. Rand Paul, Kentucky, was all tizzied out today after he was halted by airport security in Nashville. Reports indicate a scanner alarm activated when Paul, son of Republican presidential nominee candidate, Ron Paul, passed through. The TSA personnel told Paul he would have to be patted down before boarding his flight. Paul said no can do. He was allowed to go after awhile, but not without stirring up a bunch of hard-nose Republican bulls**t. You don’t want to fly by the rules, Sonny boy, then hitch a ride with a big rig. I’ve done it before. But I can’t for the life of me remember what the guy was hauling. Maybe it was Republican bulls**t, couldn’t tell. Personally, I’d probably be a little miffed if the TSA wanted to pat me down, then again, I’ve been searched before. It’s not the end of the world and the Constitution didn’t go up in flames.

Newty but not nice

We all got a chance to hear, yet once again, how smart Newt Gingrich is after his win in the South Carolina Republican Primary.  God that guy is a blowhard. The cable media — I was flipping between CNN and MSNBC for the short time I watched the S.C. coverage — was making the former Speaker’s win seem like the Second Coming. They have to do that, I suppose, to keep folks interested and sell that soap or shares of stock or Victoria Secret panties.

Gingrich was trying to sound all presidential during his however-the-hell-long-it-was speech after declaring himself winner. If everybody sits back and relaxes and takes a breath or two and reads this graphic from The New York Times then they might see that Gingrich is ahead in the delegate count by four. It might be fun to see the GOPs being forced into a brokered convention. Maybe Gingrich would win that way or even Santorum. But I doubt it. I still predict Mitt “The Glove” Romney. I think The Glove is a great nickname for Romney, a man who has perhaps even more of a bizarre moniker than Barack Obama. Actually, I think Obama is really black Irish.

When in doubt, punt

It is a good bet I will miss the Super Bowl unless it proves to show half-decent television commercials. The quality of the expensive Super Bowl ads has withered like cheap grapes over recent years. Likewise, I am less excited about the NY Giants matchup with New England than I am with the musical guest, Madonna. Like a virgin, but back when I was preoccupied with zits.

Yeah, I never wrote about the heartbreaking loss my team, the Texans, suffered against Baltimore. They really should have beaten the Ravens. Too many mistakes. That kind of stuff will happen to a rookie quarterback such as Tim Tebow T.J. Yates. Oh well, the Texans hadn’t been that far before so it was a great ride. Perhaps we shall see a better team and better fortune for Houston next year. Stranger things have happened.

 

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Let us now all say “Ahhhhh” for the weekend

It’s a long weekend coming and I’m ready as can be. Two NFL divisional games tomorrow, two Sunday including the Texans-Ravens. My second-fave team, the Saints play San Fran tomorrow. I saw an episode last night of Anthony Bourdain’s “The Layover” in which he was featuring San Francisco dining and bars. One bar lady said the two things tourists should not call San Francisco are “San Fran” and “Frisco.” Well, Frisco this. Sorry, my Bay Area friends, just jivin.’

One activity I will not partake of very much during the weekend is computer use. That’s because my work computer is about to drive me totally insane. If you knew the circumstances you would understand. I don’t mean to be cryptic. I will say this: “Dial up.” Slow as a snail’s butt in a molasses spill. I continue to be told relief will be coming soon in the form of a Blackberry. Somehow, I am not comforted.

Well, it’s time to read a few blogs and head on into the weekend. Listening to sports talk radio this week, it seemed as if the “spundits”, my name for sports pundits, can’t agree how badly Baltimore will beat Houston. That doesn’t bother me. I don’t expect the Texans to win but there is always — in the cliché-ridden world of sport — the chance that comes with “any given Sunday.” So we shall see, bees knees.

I say again: Go Texans!

 

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Boom goes the thunder. Enter a brave new world of Houston football!

A clap of thunder about 2 o’clock this morning sharply transferred me from Dream Land into the here and now.

I immediately rose and went to the window, as I always do, to see the rain coming down in buckets. It’s called “drought behavior.” Shortly after listening to the torrential rain and various booms of thunder, the electricity flashed momentarily. It wasn’t enough to stop the alarm clock but a “beep” did warn me that my sleep apnea CPAP machine had stopped. Pushing the button to restart Mr. CPAP, I momentarily wondered whether I should get up and set the alarm on my cell phone as a hedge against a longer lasting lapse of electric power. I said: “ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz … ”

No matter how crappy my day was otherwise, I eventually and fully woke this morning to a new world. The world into which I had awakened had never before came forth with a Houston Texans playoff win. But lo and behold, Bevis and Butt-Head, here we were.

Although I half-assed picked them to win during a post last week I was really kind of doubtful as to the reality of such a feat. Sure enough, the Texans beat the Cincinnati Bengals 31-10 with air connections, ground-pounding  and defensive moves combining the two.

Andre Johnson rightly — as he is greatness and has been with the Texans for a long while — scored on a 40-yard pass play in which he made Bengals DB Adam “Pacman” Jones look like “Old Man” Jones. Pacman showed his great sportsmanship by storming off the field and shoving his defensive coach when the latter tried to say something to him. What a class act, that Pacman. Maybe it’s time for him to get serious about that hip-hop career.

Tailback Arian Foster, as was superbly described by CultureMap Houston’s Chris Baldwin, had the “Texans’ logo shaved into his head like a high school kid getting pumped up for the big homecoming game. It’s a move that delights his teammates, bringing a bunch of pros back to when they played the game for fun.” Foster infected the fans with that fun by scoring twice including a beautiful 42-yard run that brought a flashback of big man Earl Campbell from the “Luv Ya Blue” days.

Rookie J.J. Watt — an associate of Buckingham U. Badger during his college days at Wisconsin — looked as graceful as a ballerina when the defensive end leaped for an interception from Bengals QB Andy Dalton and ran the 29 yards for a game-changing touchdown.

It brought me a little happiness to see the Texans, who were battered, bruised and beat-up this year, pull off this impressive win. But I suppose that is just my fan-dom showing. Oh what the hell.

The Oilers Texans have their work cut out for them in the next go-round with the Ravens in Baltimore. The Birds beat them up pretty good when they last met, which was in Houston. As seemed to be the case last week, a lot of the sports talk people I sometimes hear on the radio have already written off the Texans. Yet it really doesn’t matter because even if they were somehow to pull off a conference championship or, God forbid, a Super Bowl win, they won’t get the respect they deserve. That’s just the way it goes if your radio or TV market isn’t named New York, or Dallas. Or if you are trying to be the “anti-homer” station.

It is wishful thinking but I pick Houston 20 Baltimore 19.

My other picks:

Denver 28

New England 21

LBJ has one last miracle in him.

Green Bay 35

New York Giants 20

Looks like a Manning won’t be going to the Super Bowl this year.

New Orleans 35

San Francisco 10

As long as Drew Brees ain’t hopped up on that cough medicine he advertises, the Saints look good. Just kidding about the cough medicine.

 

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Between the Texans and the Bengals this Saturday, I pick …

Let’s talk sports. Why? Why do I always ask myself that? I don’t know. I really shouldn’t be talking to myself while writing “my blog.” But after all, it is “my blog.” Enough said? Stop that!

The Houston Texans make their playoff debut this Saturday at Reliant Stadium. If I had a few hundred bucks to throw around I would buy a ticket and try to find a hotel close to the MetroRail. But I don’t. So I will have to watch it on television. That is probably just as well. Even though the noise level will likely be turned up in Reliant by Texans fans, I am uncomfortable screaming profanities out loud in public, even if no one can hear them. I expect a few profanities from my way.

Many folks, both those learned in sports and those who just shoot off their mouths seem to think that the three losses the Texans suffered since they beat Saturday’s opponent, the Bengals, have something to do with whether Houston can rise to the challenge in their first post-season game in history. This is while others compare them to or see them an offshoot of the Oilers, that once-beloved team that left long ago to become the hated Tennessee Titans. Well, let’s take this sordid history apart.

1. The wicked, wicked Bud Adams took the Houston Oilers franchise to Tennessee in 1996 after he was unable to extort a new stadium out of the Bayou City.

2. The Oilers became the Tennessee Titans.

3. A new franchise called the Houston Texans started up in 2002.

4. The Texans languished in sometime-mediocrity and sometime-not-so-bad until this season.

5. This year’s Texans were viewed with great anticipation by a number of the country’s sports pundits. The team, indeed, had its best season despite an unfortunate string of injuries that left the team as a synonym for a MASH unit. Probably the best receiver in the NFL, Texans’ Andre Johnson was plagued most the season with first, one Achilles heel problem and then another on the other leg. Starting quarterback Matt Schaub went out for the season with a broken foot in week 10. The next game saw backup Matt Leinart with his first start, which lasted all of the first half after which he went out for the year with a broken collarbone. Third-string rookie T.J. Yates then took over. Yates has looked impressive, but he suffered a separated shoulder in the last regular season game. More on that.

6. The Texans lost three straight games after winning the AFC South. The last loss was to the Titans, during which Yates went out with the shoulder problem. Fortunately, the injury was not to his throwing arm and Yates has reportedly “looked good” in practice. Still, one has to worry about some Bengals linebacker intentionally trying to turn the young Yates’ non-throwing shoulder into a piece of battered meat. Jake DelHomme, who was signed after the Houston quarterback battering began, started for the first time as the Texans’ fourth-string quarterback last Sunday. DelHomme is a Ragin’ Cajun who played for University of Louisiana-Lafayette and led the Carolina Panthers to a one-point Super Bowl loss in 2003. He steered the Texans, during the meaningless game with Tennessee, to a last-second comeback. However, the Texans lost when they failed to convert a two-point conversion.

Houston has, for several years, had the reputation of failing to seal the deal. That has been an occasional problem this year although they finished the regular season with a 10-6 record. Still, the Texans can often make one’s blood pressure travel in directions that it shouldn’t.

Andre Johnson should be back Saturday against Cincy as should Yates and Arian Foster, who is one of the NFL’s tip-top running backs with almost 1,225 rushing yards this year. “Depth” be thy name of Houston’s backfield, what with Foster, Derrick Ward and Ben Tate, the latter who was just shy of rushing 1,000 yards during the regular season. Other major offensive threats to the Bengals will include receivers Owen Daniels, Kevin Walter and Joel Dreessen not to mention the Pro-Bowl-snubbed Houston offensive line.

Defensive coordinator Wade Phillips will, for the second week in a row, call defensive plays from a press box as he is still recovering from kidney and gall bladder surgery. News accounts say his dad, coaching legend Bum Phillips, told friends the defensive coordinator and former Dallas Cowboys head coach had a tumor “the size of a volleyball” removed from his kidney and gallbladder. Coach Gary Kubiak said the younger Phillips is doing well but would like a more comfortable chair in which to sit on Saturday. If anyone deserves a better chair, it’s Phillips. A lesser-experienced, more ego-involved coach might have felt deflated after being cast adrift by Somebody’s Team — Dallas. But Wade P. bounced right back in Houston and has put together one of the top three defenses in the NFL. While that defense may have faltered a slight bit in the past couple of weeks, they still are solid and have seen Bengals QB Andy Dalton and his offensive squad before.

There is really nothing in particular that points toward why the Texans should lose Saturday but the Bengals are a slight favorite. I think most are expecting another close game between Houston and Cincy. So I should join the crowd and likewise expect something like a 24-20 game in favor of the Bengals. But what the heck, if you can dream, why not dream.

I pick Houston in a 45-12 screen pass/ground attack fest. And if I’m wrong? I don’t really know anything about football anyway.