The Mile High Club at ground level: The Love Bugs do the horizontal bop

Sex is everywhere you turn on the highways of Southeast Texas. Yes, I am talking about the Love Bug swarm is here again, the skies above are black and orange again …

I had to take the G-mobile in to get it cleaned by professionals after traveling around Cow Bayou in Orange County this afternoon. I mean those f**king bugs are literally everywhere. It is like a ground-level version of the Mile High Club.

If you don’t know what Love Bugs are then here’s the scoop. They are also known as Plecia nearctica Hardy. These are, according to Texas AgriLife Extension: ” … about 1/2-inch long, black with an reddish-orange area on the top of the thorax, and a pair of smoky colored wings. They are all weak fliers.”

Aggie Extension service goes on to say: “Large numbers of adults emerge primarily in the spring (May) and fall (September). Males and females fly and couple in open areas along roadways, appearing to swarm in weak flight.”

The high numbers of bugs are quite aptly described by TAMU as “annoying.” The bugs can cause obscured vision from its splatter on the windshields of cars and the bugs committing hari-kari on radiators can lead to overheating. Likewise, the bugs can cause severe, permanent damage to a car’s paint job if not washed off in reasonably quick order. How quick is quick? Every two miles. Yes, get out of your car with a pail of warm, soapy water every two miles and give the front of your car a good washing. Just joking. But seriously, I don’t see how it would hurt to wash the bugs off at the end of every day you drive, if possible.

There are tons of ways to protect your auto from these horny little insects, everything from a car bra to spraying the front of your car with Pam or swabbing the car with baby oil. My local county extension office told me this afternoon that warm, soapy water is good to wash the bugs off. Newsprint is a great way to dry and rub down the windshield and grill. Why newsprint? Beats me. A friend in the fire department showed me when we washed fire trucks how great it works and even though I was in the newspaper business a lot longer than being in the fire suppression business, I never thought to ask about it.

Call your local county consumer or agriculture agent for more information and they might, most likely will, have some better information. I am not liable for anything that happens to your car if you follow my suggestions. I am not liable for anything, period. I am liable to eat something bad for me, but that is about as far as it goes. GIT OUT OF HERE! I was talking to those love bugs

The GOP debate. For better and worse.

Who’d have thought that me, myself and I would all sit back last night and watch one of the millions of debates scheduled this year of the folks seeking the Republican nomination for president? Nothing to do, for sure? Well, it was a little political entertainment until the series finale of “Rescue Me” started. Oh, and it was a fine end to a fine series for Denis Leary and the gang.

No, actually I watched most of it because it is the only game in town right now. Even though our own Gov. Goodhair Rick Perry, touted war and fide as “the flavor of the week,” having the lock on the nomination, that’s still a little while off. We’re talking a few days short of a year away from Tampa where probably some of the silliest people in the world doing the silliest things and talking silly s**t will gather and crown whomever it was who had the lock for several months before.

Gov. Goodhair did not look indestructible last night. He and Mitt Romney seemed to crowd out the others but if the vote for debate winner last night was between the two candidates — and sadly it was — Mittens emerging the clear winner.

Here is my “Not close to best” to worst list:

1. Gov. Mitt “Mittens” Romney. He had a very good grasp on his idea of the issues. He was also able to fend off most cuts by the rest of the bunch. Unfortunately, he came off like some sort of Mormon robot called “Mr. Personality,” You know, in the same ilk as calling Yao Ming “Tiny.”

2. Gov. Rick “Goodhair” Perry. I have seen this guy way too many times although never in such a forum. He did a mostly good job of trying to convince the crowd and his opponents that he does not have transparent skin. He continues to make so many false claims, such as his boasting responsibility for the stellar job creation in Texas, that continue to go unabated. I guess you did have to give the duo of Romney and Richie Rich Jon Huntsman credit for pointing out their state’s job growth equaled or bettered Perry’s. All in all, Goodhair came off like the “Return of the Shrubman (Gee Dubya).”

3. Gov. Jon “Richie Rich” Huntsman. I had to give him some nickname and he is rich with wealth which runs in the family. He was the only candidate, at least in my not-so-humble opinion, with more sentences which made sense than the others. When I say “make sense” I speak both in diction and substance. That isn’t to say I’d vote for him. No way. I’m not one of those. (Republicans) Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

4. Rep. Michelle “Ma” Bachmann. Congresswoman Bachmann, remarkably, said little compared with the others. And what she said was not crazy rhetoric, she’s been getting a little somewhere by not whining her insane ideas and opinions. Perhaps during the next debate she might should say nothing at all. That could make her a winner.

5. Congressman Ron “Earth-to-Utopia” Paul. I called his office this afternoon. I just wanted to hear it from his folks that the Utopian Libertarian Ron Paul will be my congressman come Jan. 1. Good God Gertie what a grasshopper! But Paul said he will not seek another term after than. So we have him for, what, a year? We also are getting rid of “God and Texas Ted Poe.” That’s how he signs his mass e-mailings. I mean, how full of himself can one be? Well, with Poe, we’re talking a lot.

I don’t have a lot to argue with Ron Paul were his rants based in something other than a fairy tale Never Never Land. While Mittens and the others preach free market economics, Paul believes it. That, in itself, is all right. But very, very little of transforming his beliefs into reality is possible with our system of government. I can’t understand why he is congressman. It will be interesting to see him in (in)action when he is my congressman.

6. Herman “The Godfather of Pizza” Cain, savior of Godfather’s Pizza, was the one candidate to bring a couple of snappy PR ideas to the party. There was 9-9-9, a plan to do away with the payroll tax and enact flat individual, business and national sales taxes each at 9 percent. The other idea was to adopt Chile’s model of Social Security, which probably means taking the elderly out to be executed. No that’s not it. Read here. The truth is, if Barack Obama is not re-elected, you will likely not see anyone with dark skin (other than a nice tan) elected president for a long time. Too bad Cain is an African-American during this particular election.

7. Rick “Man on Dog Santorum. Rick didn’t say too much. Thus, he didn’t say too many things which were ridiculous and sanctimonious. He actually had a good debate due to his lack of speaking.

8. Newt “Eye of the Newt” Gingrich. The former Speaker of the House has seen his presidential bid sputter to just about nothing. In fact, I didn’t know he was still running for president. The only remark Gingrich made that was notable was his blaming the media for attempting to push Republicans toward emasculaitng one another.  I’d have loved to see that! It was a gratuitous, inane comment. Gingrich needs a nap.

 

SE Texas-based Jason’s Deli tops Zagat health category

That I ordered a sandwich today at Jason’s Deli — at the Original, as in first-ever Jason’s Deli — had nothing to do with the Beaumont, Texas,-based restaurant outfit being named by the Zagat consumer survey as best large chain with healthy options. In fact, it was downright depressing when I later looked up the “New York Yankee,” the sandwich I ordered, on the company’s online nutrition chart. I nearly fell out of my chair when I discovered the tasty pastrami and beef on rye carried with it a whopping 69 grams of fat and 1,189 calories. Thank goodness I have started eating Healthy Choice frozen dinners at night lately.

Billed as the “Gastronomic Bible” by The Wall Street Journal and its own PR people as “the world’s most trusted source for consumer generated survey information,” Zagat released its annual fast food survey today.

I try to choose from the much lighter Jason’s menu but light gets old in a hurry. Plus, I’m a Jason’s junkie. Having a great deli company like that based in your neighborhood is good okay, kind of like wicked fine only mo’ better.

Subway won that same category in the “mega-chain” group. The ‘way is, of course, famous for its different sandwiches under 10 grams of fat and which made Jared skinny. I eat at Subway too. However, Jason’s offer more than just sandwiches. Probably my favorite Jason’s is the “Quarter Muff Special” which includes a quarter muffuletta that is about the size of a double-meat Whopper and includes chips (I go for the Baked Lays), a pickle and a cup of soup. My soup “cup” of choice is actually a spicy and delicious seafood gumbo.

Likewise, Jason’s has breakfast items which I have yet to taste in the 15 years I have dined at the chain. They have one of the best salad bars to be found anywhere. Regardless of whether I eat at the salad bar or order something else I usually pickup about a handful of assorted nuts from their salad bar. J’s Deli also features all types of wraps and spuds and soups, as I’ve mentioned. I love their Black Currant Tea although they have several other types as well of other refreshments. I suppose they still sell beer at the original Beaumont stores but I am not certain. I haven’t noticed for a long time. Since lines tend to get long at both their Dowlen Road location and the original at Gateway Shopping Center off South 11th, it is quite handy they have a kiosk where you can use your credit card to get a salad bar order. Just step ahead of the crowd, place your order, swipe your card and get a big bowl from the counter.

A Jason’s Deli meal most times averages around $10 if you have a drink with it. Closer to $8 if you only want some iced water. Even though I think their tea is unmatched in most places, at least in this part of the country, I still think $2 is a little steep. Of course, you can refill and the dilligent and most times smiling Jason’s folks will cheerfully hand you a “go cup,” which is very useful in these scorching Texas days we have had lately.

I have to say I can’t agree with a lot of other Zagat survey choices. The news release announcing their survey gives the particulars:

 “This year’s survey covers 103 chains as voted on by 6,064 diners. The typical surveyor dined at a fast food restaurant at least once a week. They weighed in on everything from breakfast to burgers and fries to frozen yogurt, separately rating each chain on the quality of its Food, Facilities and Service on Zagat’s signature 30-point scale as well as ranking their favorites.”

Still, some of those joints they weighed in on — some of which I may visit every now and then — are kind of baffling. I get the popularity contest of the top five mega chains, 1st to last, Subway, McDonald’s, Wendy’s, Burger King, Taco Bell. The top “overall” ratings which include service, food and facilities for mega-chains are 1. Wendy’s 2. Subway 3. McDonald’s 4. Pizza Hut 5. KFC. That, my friends, is truly mind-blowing.

The survey did unveil some clever comments from the respondents and some appear as if they might land pretty much on the mark for some spots:

  • Rule #1: don’t look inside the burrito
  • Helping generations turn into obese diabetics
  • Consistently awful everywhere, but at least you know what to expect
  • They even fry the napkins
  • Major food groups are well covered: grease, salt and burned
  • Always entertaining – usually a brawl or arrest to watch

 

I can’t drive 65

If you find yourself on a Texas highway this evening, the night of Sept. 1, 2011, or afterwards, feel free to drive 70 mph if you see one of those signs which indicate a day speed of 70 mph and 65 mph at night.

Well, hell, you would do that anyway. People tend to drive at least 5 mph over the speed limit, and then some. So go ahead and drive 70, or 75. That is because tonight the official posted speed of 65 mph is a relic of the conservation past.

Our Texas Legislature, in their infinite wisdom (that’s a joke, son!), passed a law during the last regular session that:

”  … eliminates the 65-mile per hour nighttime speed limit and all truck speed limits,” says the Texas Department of Transportation, a.k.a. TxDOT (pronounced th hi’-way de-part-ment Tex-dot.) “On September 1, the existing nighttime and truck speed limits are repealed and no longer enforceable.”

No more 65 at night. What will they do with all the old signs?

That doesn’t mean you should get all indignant and up into the face of a big ol’ cop named “Billy Bob ‘Bubba’ Hayseed.” Says our local PR flak for the Beaumont district of TxDOT:

“I wouldn’t take my chances with someone just itching to write you a ticket for the sake of giving you a hard time,” said Marc Shepherd, TxDOT public information officer. “Of course, most, if not all law enforcement agencies know about the new law and the fact a ticket probably wouldn’t stick.  I’ll leave that up to you, your lawyer and the judge.”

That same law also allows the state to create a 75-mph speed limit provided the highway has undergone a study and is ruled “reasonable and safe.” This is not supposed to happen over night either. But once again, since most motorists driving 70 mph already drive 75 anyway it just cuts down the quasi-legality of an 80-mph speed limit on that highway.

I am not an attorney, nor do I play one on TV, so the information I present herein should not be considered legal advice nor a suggestion that the reader should break the traffic laws of this or any other state, territorial, federal, local or international government, nor any principality ruled by a monarch named “Marvin the Prince of Sales.”

Speed limits have gone all over the place since I started legally driving almost 40 years ago. The maximum day-time speed was 70 mph in Texas when I first received my driver’s license.  Then about three years or so later, just about the time I was of the age of being in a hurry to get somewhere, the national speed limit was changed to 55 mph. This was done in order to conserve gasoline but it did little good because the majority of the public — more than 80 percent of Texas drivers on interstate highways in one state highway department survey — drove faster than 55.

Frustration over such a slow speed eventually reached the boiling point and prompted rocker Sammy Hagar to record his hit “I Can’t Drive 55” in 1984.

Then sometime while I was sleeping, around 1995, the 55 mph speed limit was repealed. Once again speed limits including those in Texas increased and drivers could legally drive like a bat out of hell once more.

It was probably just before the speeds were increased from the lunatic 55 mph limit since I last drove out to West Texas. I can’t remember what the speed limit was then to tell you the truth. But now, in some of the desolate counties on Interstate 10 between El Paso and San Antonio, one may drive Mach 1 80 mph.

I am sure some folks, maybe some of those who believe we should have little or no government, would be happy with no speed limit. We could motor around in a “survival of the fastest” mode. I don’t like that idea very much though. It is kind of exhilarating to drive a car at speeds of more than 100 mph, even more than 135 mph. I think that is my fastest and it was while driving a car with a police interceptor package. But I have a comfort zone and, depending on the highway and the circumstances, it’s usually less than 75 mph.

Yes, I have finally become one of those “old coots” who drive slowly and impede the progress of drivers behind me. That’s all the while I am driving 75, which — for the time being at least until the studies are completed — is 5 mph over the speed limit. So just lead, follow or get the hell out of my way!

If a tree grows in the forest, and no one is around to hear it, does it still grow?

A drive a couple of days ago into the fringe of the backwoods reminded me that it has been awhile since I wandered alone out into the East Texas forests. There are a number of reasons for that. Right now, the only way to wander is if you are in an automobile with good air conditioning because we have been trapped in freakish 100-plus-degree heat for too long now.

When I say “fringe” I really mean it. The area in which I was riding is within a certified metropolitan area, specifically the one which includes Jefferson, Orange and Hardin counties in Southeast Texas. The 2009 Census estimates for these counties in what is called the “Beaumont-Port Arthur” metropolitan area (Sorry Silsbee, Kountze and Lumberton!) was about 380,000 people. That isn’t exactly the sticks but it also isn’t Manhattan.

Nevertheless, I like places where I have the ability to be out of earshot of any sounds other than that noisy rustling of pine needles in the wind or the occasional obnoxious jackhammer on wood sound of the woodpecker. It is in such areas where I like to sit and think, take a look at nature’s work and try to figure out just how good I have become over the years at determining the type of local trees.

Big Cow Creek in Newton County, Texas.

Now that sounds easier than it really is. I mean, if you grew up in the Piney Woods of East Texas as I did, you ought to know your trees, right? Wrong. I spent a lot of time in the woods growing up and I could tell you the difference between your species of local pines — loblolly, shortleaf, longleaf, or slash. And you’d come to know the type of tree you may have fallen out of while climbing or while swinging from a tire such as a pecan, or oak, or chinaberry. But let’s face it, when you’re in the forest full of trees, especially during the summer when the leaves all form a green canopy, the trees all seem to look alike. That is, they look as such if you fail to take a good look at them.

Driving in the fringes the other day I did see what appeared to be a couple of fairly young bald cypress trees standing on the edge of a creek or bayou. I have seen enough cypress in my years to know you find them around streams with their large fluted trunks and their weird looking roots, or knees, growing out of the water. Most cypress I have seen were old. Some are huge and have been around for more time than we have to talk about.

I learned about pine trees from my brother Billy, who as a young man worked for a timber company before he worked as a career in the refining biz. I even planted some young pine seedlings but couldn’t tell you if they’ve grown or where they are. If so, these trees are between 40-50 years old and could be quite a tree.

In the area in which I was raised, pine was the cash crop. Once, in the time of my parents, one could still see some of the virgin longleaf pine trees which flourished where I grew up. I remember this one picture, it might have been of my Dad, with his arms almost all the way around one of these great trees. But it took awhile to grow these and one could not always find the sandy soil these longleafs needed in many areas outside the little three-or-four county strip in which they grew.

So the timber companies planted faster-growing trees such as loblolly or shortleaf, pine trees which could produce some considerable board feet of lumber in a mere 20 or so years.

This brings up a whole lot of discussion I don’t particularly care to have at this time such as “clear-cutting vs. selective harvesting.” I’m not saying that it is not a worthwhile debate. I just don’t want to get into right here and right now.

At various times in my life in East Texas I have explored a good many trees and took an up close look at them so if I saw them again I might know what kind they were. There were a plethora — in other words a butt-load — and still are of different oaks. There are your blackjack oaks, pin oaks, shumard oaks, red oaks, white oaks. A few different types of hickories can be found all over East Texas as well. Also prominent are the often tall sweetgums which are colorful in the Fall and produce a spiky though not too sharp ball which was good for combat, or flinging, among kids.

You can find as well the thorny-branched bois-d’arc, a.k.a. osage-orange. The French name refers to its usage as “bow wood” for longbows. I once did a story about a man who lived in a house boat on the Sabine river. This fellow, a retired refinery worker whom in his younger days fronted a rock band in the Southwest Louisiana honky-tonks, made some of these bows out of the bois-d’arc. He handmade some very amazing and beautiful bows with this versatile wood.

An interesting tree which was in a small thicket next to my farm house near Woden, Texas, in my college days was the devil’s walking stick, or Hercules club with its thorny trunk, certainly not good for climbing but perhaps with other good uses. It is one of a two different trees, the Spiny Ash being another, which are sometimes called “toothache trees” because its bark was used in the old days to treat toothaches.

There are plenty trees to explore out there especially in the East and Southeast Texas woods. Oh I didn’t mention the mimosa, which was a native Asian tree which grew up and spread from abandoned lots? There is also, speaking of M’s, the stately magnolia with its beautiful white flower. I only mentioned the mimosa because I hit one in my parent’s Dodge pickup while learning to drive. I ended up banging my knee underneath the dash — leaving a humongous knot and me limping for about a week — but I learned how to steer in wet sand after that.

Plenty of books exist on recognizing trees wherever one might be. Here is a good place to start if you’re interested in Texas trees. Just make sure if you are out in the elements that the weather is bearable and you watch for pesky and potentially dangerous animals whether they be ticks, bears, snakes or snake-oil salesmen.

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