Category: Weird science

Let’s talk about something else. Let’s not talk about what happened at that theater in Aurora, Colo., or the guy who made himself look like a poor imitation of Carrot Top.

I say that not to be a “happy news” type. I have reported enough bad news in my life. I have seen enough bad news to boot. I have my opinions on guns. Like Chris Wall’s great song, “Give me Jack Daniels whiskey and something to shoot.” Take it whatever way you want.

Let’s not talk about Penn State. Or State Pen for that matter.

As I rode back from training with my cohorts on Friday we digested the bad news out of Aurora and spoke of many other subjects such as high school football which is on the horizon in our area. It’s not life. It’s a part of life. That is just as Penn State football should be held in thought.

Let’s not even talk about the idiot leader of Syria. He has warned that he will use chemical and biological weapons if his country is attacked. Real weapons of mass destruction — not the imaginary kind that had our nation’s armed forces subjected to death and destruction in Iraq — has no business in this day and age. Some might make the same argument about the ability to possess so-called “assault rifles” but I said I wouldn’t speak of this topic.

What does that leave me to speak of on this day of topics of which I shall not speak?

Ice.

Ice, baby, ice.

My fridge makes ice like a homma domma. I have six ice trays and have yet to run short of ice since living in my tiny, tiny extended stay hotel/apartment for almost a month now. There is a lot to be said for not running short of ice, especially when a bag a day was not unusual during past times. Happy days are here again.

Ice. Is having plenty of ice a major reason for celebration in days of such darkness? Well, partially it is. But it certainly helps put an ice lover in a loving mood. Ice plus water on a hot day makes for a drink like no other. Ice can keep bottles of pop or Gatorade or beer at just the right temperature. One must also realize that a vodka tonic without ice is like a day without sunshine, or a screwdriver without orange juice, if you are so disposed.

Ice is frozen water. It is such simplicity. It is such good over evil. I would be happy to talk about ice all day but I happen to be enjoying an iced drink at the moment.

You don’t hear the term “haul ass” too much these days.

During my younger days my Dad and brothers liked to used the term and its associated forms: “Hauling ass,” “hauled ass” somewhat but not as much as haul ass and hauling ass.

We certainly weren’t talking about actually hauling asses. Perhaps hauling a jackass would fit in the category.

“A local man was injured Saturday morning in a two-vehicle accident on Route 12. Police say Joe Blow was hauling ass when he struck a guava tree. The jackass walked away unharmed but could not be located.”

Ummm, I don’t know just doesn’t seem to work as well as just saying: “He was hauling ass when he hit a guava tree which resulted in Blow’s injury and losing his ass.”

Oh, in case I forget it completely, by “hauling ass” I mean going fast by some method or the other. There was also the joke about a man so large that if he had to haul ass he’d have to make two trips. Not so funny once you get fat enough to have your ass hauled on two trips.

What brings the topic up is that the Pentagon has released information about its experimental unmanned flight last summer of the Falcon Hypersonic Technology Vehicle 2 (HTV-2.) An artist conception of the vehicle released by the military shows something that would sure as shooting your your right, first toe off would pass for some kind of genuine unidentified flying object. Except it couldn’t be a UFO if somebody could identify it, which someone can — the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA), to be exact.

The HTV was supposed to fly for about a half-hour after being launched on top of a rocket from Vandenberg Air Force Base, Calif., before crashing into the Pacific near Kwajalein Atoll, Marshall Islands. Instead, the vehicle peeled like a promiscuous pear and crashed after only nine minutes of flight. Nevertheless, DARPA said the drone reached speeds of about 13,000 mph, or about 20 times the speed of sound. That is why they call it “hypersonic,” because it was meant to travel more than five times the speed of sound. HTV-2, the first one also crashed early, did surpass Mach 5 and then some.

DARPA said this was the last test flight of HTV-2. If so, why didn’t they call it “HTV-The Finale?” Or “HTV-Into the Deep?”

What DARPA didn’t say was that the speedy ship was definitely hauling ass, at least in my siblings and Dad’s terminology, and mine as well. And it only made one trip.