Day 4 of problems with the jawbone of an ass. Plus: Local bandit identified by FBI. Ain’t all that tall!

Day 4 of the Unknown Jaw Syndrome. Having not gathered any information whatsoever from my Veterans Affairs medical “provider,” I am left alone to diligently search the George W. Bush Memorial Internets for whatever the hell is making me feel more than a might peaked. I went to work today. That is about all I can say, that and at 4 p.m., I am in my robe. Speaking of GW, I was just briefly watching CNN’s “The Situation Room” and watching it renewed my long-held desire to just slap the living dogs**t out of Ari Fleisher. And that isn’t even for his alleged role in the Susan G.. Komen P.R. nightmare in first deciding to not fund Planned Parenthood and then deciding the foundation will fund it. Ari is just such a great communicator.

Nonetheless, I still feel terrible and am suffering on and off jaw and facial pain. West Nile? Lyme? Lemon-Lime? Orange-Orange? The jaw trouble makes me wonder just how Sampson could have slain 1,000 men with the jawbone of an ass? Why that is more folks than Dirty Harry blasted with his S & W Model 29 .44-Magnum and the rest of his arsenal.

That good ol’ Internet.

Don’t know the tall, dark, handsome robber

The "Tall, Dark, and Handsome Bandit" during the Houston Comercia Bank heist. Note the odd-looking letter and the wrinkles in his forehead.

The bank robber recently dubbed the “Tall, Dark, Handsome Bandit” has now been identified by the FBI

John “Steven” Stark, 46, is facing federal bank robbery charges for the Jan. 30, robbery of my local bank, the Bank of America on Calder Avenue in Beaumont, said an FBI press release. He also allegedly robbed the Comercia Bank, 3135 Southwest Fwy., in Houston, on Feb. 2.

When he robbed the establishment where I bank, I remarked here after seeing a surveillance photo that that the dude looked very familiar. Well, upon closer examination Stark doesn’t look all that much like someone I know.

That isn’t to say I haven’t seen the guy. The FBI says his last known address is in next-door Liberty County. He also is known to have friends here in Beaumont and in Houston.

Check out the surveillance photo of the Comercia robbery. The letter in front of the bandit, while he is fingering a wad o’ dough, looks pretty odd, as if it has a photo in it. He looks looks he has wrinkles in his forehead too, which also seems pretty strange for someone robbing a bank, or so it would seem. I can’t say for sure though. Fortunately, robbing a bank is not on my resume. Then again, an original description noted the bandit had acne scars on both sides of his face. Note, as well, Stark goes for the “shades-on-head” method of parking his sunglasses. I prefer to place an earpiece of my shades in the middle of my shirt. That protects the lenses from oily skin and perspiration. That isn’t to say I have oily skin. I doubt, as well, that whomever makes up these bank-robber names would call me tall, dark and handsome. That is even though I am a half-inch or so under 6 feet tall — the bandit’s height. But I am not dark. Handsome? I do have a protruding belly these days, a gray Van Dyke beard and a shaved head with a light complexion. So if you see someone who looks like me, do not, I repeat, do not, call the law. Instead, ask me if I am having a nice day. If it is really me, I will tell you “$&#@ no. Mind your own @&%$@%! business!”

The FBIs (hey, just doin’ a little Geedubya Bushin’.) give this additional information about the real bandit:

“Stark goes by Steven Stark. He is a white male, 46 years old, 6’ tall, and weighs approximately 230 pounds. He was last known to be driving a silver 2006 Toyota Corolla four-door sedan bearing Texas license plate 699XPW.”

Houston Crime Stoppers is offering a $5,000 reward for information leading to the location and arrest of Stark. The feds ask that if you spot Stark, call the Crime Stoppers Tip Line at 713-222-TIPS (8477), or the Houston office of the FBI at 713-693-5000.


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