Hey, hey, you, you, get off of my clown!

Try as I might to not have a small mind about such things, I just can’t understand how people can be afraid of clowns. Well, I suppose if you remember John Wayne Gacy … But of course people can fear anything. They fear fear itself. Some people are afraid of a Jennifer Lopez ass — if not fearful of J Lo her own damn self. I knew a guy in high school who had a phobia about birds. He was a pretty big guy and if we were playing softball and a bird flew over you had best made way for him.

But think of all the frightful people and situations in life — terror attacks, random acts of violence, mugging, earthquake, hurricane, being hit my a meteor, teeth cleaning. And we, the collective we, are afraid of a clown. We are afraid of a bird. We are afraid of spiders and snakes. Okay, I’m a little frightened by snakes. I’m kind of ambivalent about heights. Certain insane street people also kind of give me the willies from time to time.

Divine? Good gracious yes. Were I more normal would Divine frighten me? I don’t know. I think being normal would scare me even more. Mediocrity should leave me shaking as well. But it doesn’t because if mediocrity didn’t exist then those people of excellence who aspire to be failures would … be excellent failures? I never claimed to be a philosopher.

Nothing to fear but fear itself? Not if you’re a turkey. But what of fearing turkeys? Undercooked turkeys are especially something of which to be wary. Remember that this Thanksgiving. Should you fear the turkey? If it’s undercooked. Damn straight. You don’t want to have all sorts of weird stuff shooting out your orifices like Mount St. Helens, especially while watching the football game after Thanksgiving dinner.

So the fear of clowns is not at all unreasonable when you consider so much is out there within this great big universe that can get you. Sweet dreams. Sleep tight and don’t let the bedbugs bite nor let the thing under the bed grab you.

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