It seems a lot of people have been telling me both literally and figuratively for a long, long time that I’m going to Hell.
Certain mortals among us suppose their knowledge of the Holy Bible enables them to make such a judgment. It has always been rather disquieting to know that if indeed Hell exists — somewhere other than in supermarket checkout lines — that certain actions or behavior will send you to that big steaming, fiery pit when you’re no mas. It is especially frightening when you’re a child. Perhaps that is why I liked to pretend I was Jesus when I was a kid.
Now we have more mortals making all sorts of pronouncements about what God will do to you for various indiscretions. For instance, Pat Robertson’s recent prediction that a Pennsylvania town will face doom and destruction for voting out the school board that demanded intelligent design be taught to students. Well, I guess Pat and the rest of the Bible beaters can do whatever they think is best.
Personally, I have my own list of people who should go to Hell for their misgivings. And this list does not really have a whole hell of a lot to do with religion. I will try to come up with lists of people I think should go to Hell from time-to-time. I think it should be quite fun. Here are my first listings:
1. The inventor of the smiley face. It is one of those mysteries of life just who created this ghastly icon. But whomever got the ball rolling surely must know that if there is a Hell he (somehow I think it had to be a guy who came up with this) will burn there to a crisp. Smiley smiles but behind that mask is an insidious doom merchant urging that you grin while you’re getting gored by the ox of life. I especially hate pop-up smileys. They are like the jack-in-the-box of an impending nuclear winter. Jeeeezzzzz. They give me the freakin’ creeps.
2. Pat Robertson. I don’t care whether he burns or is Lucifer’s maitre’d. I wish he would go straight to Hell and the sooner the better.
3. Mosquitoes.
4. Tom Cruise. And would he please take his Scientology and his dime store pop psychology with him.
5. Driver’s who tailgate me. I can never be sure but perhaps a strong chance exists that this constant pain in my neck and the related two cervical disc surgeries may have had its origins from the person who hit my car in the ass end while I was at a stoplight. It is annoying, tail-gating. It is dangerous. To paraphrase Baghdad Bob: The stomachs (and all the rest) of those who tailgate me should roast in Hell.
That’s it for now. Have a hell of a nice day!