Let's get stimulated!

The big hoo hah on The Hill — that’s the one in Washington not the one Jack and Jill went up — is over the “stimulus package” being batted around by Congress. Stimulus package sounds dirty doesn’t it? Or it sounds like a package full of those little ol’ truck driving pills if you know what I mean.

But here is the problem with the $825 gazillion stimulus package: everybody and their chihuahua has a different vision as to what needs to be in the bill to stimulate the economy.

Al Gore — who as you all know invented the Internet (Gee Dubya Bush invented the Internets) — says some of that money should go to stave off global warming by abandoning this planet and moving the Earth’s people to Uranus.

House minority leader John Boehner, R-Toe Jam, Ohio, believes the money should be given to the top 5 percent of the nation’s wealthiest and spread among the Fortune 500. Oh and a 95 percent tax cut for the wealthiest would also be nice.

Down here in Southeast Texas there is a considerable difference of opinion as well over where the $825 megatillions should be parsed. Members of the rice industry say they need at least $825 billion. The refineries say they also need $825 billion. The local banks and credit unions expect to need exactly $825 billion. The hospitals say their figures show that they will just get by if only they can get $825 billion. The area’s thriving trial law industry said they need a boost of only $824.99 billion.

And what about the rest of the country?

Good point.

So we shall see how it goes and who gets the big prize. I could use a bailout myself. How much you ask? Oh, say $825 billion.

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