News of the day

The Supremes

The U.S. Supreme Court announced their decision today that only “eight or nine” of the Ten Commandments may be displayed by governmental entities. Writing for the majority, Justice David Souter said any mention about “coveting thy neighbor’s ass” is purely optional on the part of local government officials.

Dick Cheney

Vice President Dick Cheney said today that his daughter, Mary’s, lesbianism is “in its last throes.”

Shark attack

The U.S. Coast Guard searched the Gulf of Mexico off the Florida Panhandle today for some 200 sharks that are boycotting the beaches because, according to one source, “They are still pissed off about the movie ‘Jaws.'”

Tom Cruise

In yet another media interview promoting his new movie “War of the Worlds,” Tom Cruise said his beliefs in Scientology have led him on a crusade “against all modern medicine. And Brooke Shields.” Shields, who Cruise criticized for her admission of taking antidepressants for post-partum depression, has signed with Don King for promotion of a possible 15-round fight with Cruise later this year in Madison Square Garden. Las Vegas bookies have already come out with odds in favor of Shields with a knock-out in the sixth round.

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