Eight Feet Deep

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sure has caused a lot of knickers to be wadded with his visit to New York and speech today at Columbia University. First of all, I don’t think Ahmadinejad should be allowed to speak at Columbia or any other major university in the United States just as I don’t believe he should be president of a nation. The reason for my view is that his name is way too difficult to spell, much less pronounce.

Actually, I have figured out a way to pronounce his name that is very easy. First, you say “ahhh” like when a doctor tells you to cough. Oops, that’s the wrong end. Then say “maaa” kind of as one would say Ma such as Ma Bell or Ma and Pa Kettle only minus the Bell or the Kettle. Then get rid of the Salvation Army guy until Christmas rolls around again. Next comes “din” as in Gunga Din or “din-din” which only someone who should be slapped silly would say, all alliteration aside. Then you would want to say the “e” as “uh.” Why you ask? I don’t know why. Why is cow? Why is there a smiley face? Finally, you would pronounce the last syllable in his name as jod (rhymes with rod or mod or cod if you really are into fish). Spare the cod and ruin the bacalao.

So let’s put it all together now: “ahh”-“maaa”-“din”-“uh”-“jod.” And there you have it — Mahmoud.

One little matter o’- pinion about this creep speaking at an American university. I don’t care. People get so wrapped up into their own little views so much that they forget that they are living in the U.S. of A. where everyone has the supposed right to make known their views. Of course, a lot of the right-wingers like Dick Cheney are trying to say that doesn’t apply when we are talking about the stupid war in Iraq. But Dick Cheney is an ass and not a very good shot. Other people seem afraid that if someone who has a totally abhorrent point of view to express, then others might be influenced by such malarkey. If you are talking about a 2-year-old, then maybe but a lot of us know the difference between sh*t and Sh*nola so keep your kids at home if you don’t want them listening to a pin-headed dictator and everything should be copacetic.

And one more word to Mahmoud or whatever he is calling himself these days: When you get on that airplane to Tehran don’t let the cabin door hit you in the ass on your way out.

Things seem to keep getting better and better for “Mercenary Inc.” a.k.a. Blackwater USA. Read the latest from The News & Observer in Raleigh, N.C.

The real Army on alert in Iraq. They don’t bring the bucks home like the mercenaries but they still do their jobs.

U.S. Ambassador to Iraq Ryan “Tumbleweed” Crocker has his posse saddled up and riding shotgun again in Baghdad. The U.S. mercenary force, a.k.a. Blackwater USA, is undertaking “mission-essential” operations for the U.S. Embassy in Baghdad, according to the State Department. This comes after the controversial private security firm was suspended in the wake of an incident involving their employees in which between 10 and 20 Iraqi citizens were killed.

One thing that can be said for the highly-paid mercenaries, many of whom are ex-Special Forces operators, and that is they put a high value on money.

Remember that dreadful and enraging incident in Fallujah in which four Blackwater employees were burned and dragged through the streets? Well, Blackwater certainly didn’t forget because the men apparently failed in to meet their contractual obligations with the company. The families sued the company so Blackwater decided to play hardball and sue for $10 million the estates of those killed. Hey, it’s only business and nothing personal says Blackwater. They say they are only trying through “arbitration to enforce its contracts with the four deceased men,” said a Blackwater USA news release.

The company has taken much heat from many corners including past and present military personnel who make or made only a fraction of what Blackwater operators make for often just as dangerous or more dangerous missions. But one must ask: How can you show disgust for a company that not only can take over small countries on their own but also sell a bunch of great-looking shit to wear?

Blackwater’s Web site features the “Proshop” where guys can purchase a “Blackwater Bear T-shirt” for just $15 or the gals can get a cool pink V-neck shirt with the company logo, also for the low, low price of $15. There is even a “babys onesies” with the ever-present Blackwater logo for the infant at the outrageously low price of only $18. I mean, I don’t know if the Army can match that.

Well, many free-market Republicans and even Democrats have for years pushed for privatization. And it is running pretty freely within many sectors of government these days. For instance, Carson Wagonlit, the mega agents of travel handle all the travel processing and paperwork for the federal agency which I work for on a part-time basis. Blackwater and the firms like it in Iraq and Afghanistan are just carrying the privatization thing to the Nth degree. That makes me think: “What if we just turn our entire military over to private enterprise?”

There would be no buck privates polishing rocks in boot camps and no Navy recruit would ever again have to fiddle with mess cooking when arriving on ship because the Navy hired their own contractors to run things. Why perhaps even the terrorists could hire their own private armies and let the guys getting the big bucks blow themselves to hell for awhile. The rest of us could all just sit back and relax.

Ahhh, aren’t free-market economies the cat’s pajamas?

One of the least appealing portions of modern-day politics to me is the abject silliness that is projected by the parties. For example, the recent hoopla over the MoveOn.Org ad that suggested Gen. David Petraeus was betraying his country by giving a report to Congress on Iraq that was favorable to the Bush administration’s position. Was such an attack stupid? Absolutely. Should a clever party hack try to capitalize off such an obvious mistake in judgement? Yes, but to a point. Am I trying to sound like Donald Rumsfeld? No I certainly am not trying but it regrettably is coming out that way.

The point is that the parties just keep saying the same damn thing over and over and over until you want to put a .357 hollow point through your TV screen. Enough already.

So the latest stupid political comment which is and will be hammered as long as possible comes from our old friend Rep. Peter King, R-N.Y., the waste of legislative space that “Slate” media critic Jack Shafer called “an exploding carbuncle masquerading as a member of Congress.”

King, who is the homeland security adviser to the Rudy Giuliani presidential campaign, is in hot water over a comment he made in which he said there were “too many mosques” in the U.S.

Now granted King’s comment will likely not trigger such emotion from the Republicans as MoveOn’s idiocy inflamed both Democrats and Republicans alike. But it is a very stupid thing for a U.S. congressman to say anytime and especially these days. And that is no matter if his remarks were taken out of context, which he and most politicians say when something stupid comes from their lips, or they were not.

Predictably and rightly, the Democratic National Convention, has issued a statement saying Guiliani should fire King and that the congressman should apologize.

“This type of bigoted language has no place in public discourse, especially from the Republican’s top lawmaker on the House Homeland Security Committee,” said Democratic National Committee press secretary Stacie Paxton.

The Democrats went on to say that King should be boiled in oil, dipped in batter and fed to hungry orphans in Darfur. Only kidding.

Would I like to see something help put Rudy the Walking Ego in a negative light? You bet. Would I like to see Peter King exiled to Mexico City? Damn right. But I would much rather see the two parties talking something about issues and trying to fix what’s wrong with this freaking country! Of course, I know what they say about wishes …

Avast yer toils and grab yer grog. It’s International Talk Like a Pirate Day.

Yes it is once again time to dress like your favorite buccaneer and make your enemies walk the plank. You can celebrate in many ways as the official Talk Like A Pirate Day guys explain here.

As it stands I don’t know what I will do today in order to celebrate. Perhaps I might tie some scurvy dog to the yardarms. That is provided I can find some yardarms. I don’t think it will be too difficult to find me a scurvy dog (and no I do not mean to tie an actual dog to anything.)

So party till the gentlemen o’ fortune come home and always wear your life preserver. ARRRRRRRR.