Eight Feet Deep

Taco Bell did not purposely poison diners with E. coli. We apologize for the error.

No, no, wait! The above is not an apology because I never said anything about Taco Bell and a connection with E. coli. But a lot of people ARE heading for the border.

Actually, I corrected the headline that I wrote today. The headline has been corrected, I think. If not, sorry about that. I tried. Or in the words of the poet, Merle Haggard: “That leaves only me to blame ’cause Mama tried.”

Note from the proprietor: The lovely tacos above are courtesy of Jane M. Sawyer who graciously shared her photos on morguefile.com. I doubt that they are tainted either though I am not a U.S.D.A. inspector, so what do I know? Anyway, thanks Jane.

(Foreground)Mr. Mailer, left, explains to Mr.Daemon how to return e-mail to senders thus driving users insane.

Saturday evening a couple of friends and I decided to watch on TV the 2004 thriller “The Bourne Supremacy.” One of my friends made some remark about Harrison Ford playing Jack Ryan, the CIA officer character, in movies based on Tom Clancy’s novels. Keep with me, the two sentences are related.

I remarked at the time, erroneously I later realized, that the guy playing Jason Bourne in the movie we were watching and someone whose name I could not recall at that time (we had a few drinks earlier) also played Jack Ryan in “The Sum of All Fears.” Initially, I even thought “The Bourne Supremacy” was “The Sum of All Fears.” (See parenthetical remark above)I quickly realized, however, that the movie we were watching was “The Bourne Supremacy,” which I saw when it was first released.

As for “The Sum of All Fears,” I had not seen the movie in its entirety. I watched about the first 20 minutes of the film in a 99-cent movie theater in Waco, Texas, until the film broke and that was that. Later, I had seen most of the remaining parts of that movie.

By Sunday, I still could not remember the name of the actor playing Jason Bourne, not that the inability to recall his name consumed me all day. But the name returned in an instant last night while watching David Letterman, who was talking to his guest, Matt Damon. (forehead slap) I did a Google search this morning which led to my remembering that it was Ben Affleck who played Jack Ryan in “The Sum of All Fears.” I’m glad we have that settled.

So the obvious question is: “Is Matt Damon related to Mailer-Daemon?” Or, “To whom is that question obvious?” I thought about the name homonymity when an e-mail I sent out yesterday morning was returned and marked “Mailer-Daemon.” Oddly enough, I thought about Matt Damon’s name but didn’t think about it at the time that he was the actor whose name I could not remember for two days. So the obvious question is: “Have I lost my mind completely?”

I remember seeing a “Pearls Before Swine” comic strip in which Pig had struck up e-mail correspondence with a new pen pal. Apparently Pig had figured the new acquaintance must have really liked him because he had sent him so much e-mail. The strip’s Rat, asked Pig the name of his new friend and the clueless Pig answered: “Mailer-Daemon.”

So the obvious question is: “Who is Mailer-Daemon?” Perhaps more obvious a question than previous questions assumed to be obvious. Well, I did a quick search on the Internets (invented by Al Gore and made famous by Gee Dubya Bush) and found this explanation from Webopedia:

“Daemon. Pronounced DEE-mun or DAY-mun. A process that runs in the background and performs a specified operation at predefined times or in response to certain events … Typical daemon processes include print spoolers, e-mail handlers, and other programs that perform administrative tasks for the operating system. The term comes from Greek mythology, where daemons were guardian spirits.”

Mailer must come from the e-mail tasks for the OS. Maybe? Probably? It’s named in honor of Norman Mailer, who wrote “The Executioner’s Song” about Gary Gilmore? No, it can’t be.

Okay, then the obvious is question (give it a rest will you?) is: “If it a guardian spirit, why is it returning my e-mail undelivered?” And, “Why do I confuse Ben Affleck and Matt Daemon?

On the first obvious question, I have no answer. As for the second, it might be that Affleck and Daemon were best friends and co-wrote “Good Will Hunting.” It might be that or it might just be that I am a very confused person. Chances are the latter would be the obvious question. That is, if it was a question at all. Ohhh, I think I’m getting a headache.

A secret shopper follows-up on a customer purchase from Victoria Secrets.

It seems like a lot of secret shopper opportunities are out there these days. Everywhere you turn, on a job board or on craigslist, an advertisement is offering a wonderful career as a mystery shopper, restaurant reviewer, etc.

About 20 years ago I did some secret shopping for this company out of Austin. The job consisted of going to a number of Dairy Queens in East Texas, buying a meal and then writing a report about the experience. They wanted to know about the quality of the food, cleanliness of the place, customer service and yadda. Although I really don’t remember, I suppose they paid me something else other than in Hunger Busters and Chicken Finger Baskets (Before this experience, I never knew chicken had fingers, badum-bum-CHING!)

But without a doubt my experience as a DQ detective got old. One can only eat a hamburger that is undercooked, survive and then write about its lack of flavor so many times. I did, however, count myself as fortunate that my sleuthing was at Dairy Queen rather than some of the secret shopper company’s other clients such as a particular chain hair salon. Like a friend told me back then: “How many bad haircuts can a person get?”

Actually, I had a near-tragic experience at that chain salon. For the life of me, I can’t recall the name of the chain. It was long ago — when I had hair and when I visited barber shops rather than making my pool-cue head an extension of my facial shave.

One day I got a haircut at this chain which was inside a Longview, Texas, mall. The haircut was going okay until the barber spied this pretty, young woman who was walking in the mall wearing spray-on jeans and a halter top that might have covered a couple of pennies on a good day. Now, I must say that I looked rather intently at this work of nature and/or cosmetic surgery. After all, what else is there to do in a barber’s chair? The problem was the barber — with clippers in one hand and a comb in the other — was also checking out Miss It and he stuck the comb in my eye. Fortunately, I wasn’t injured.

I am telling all this in case someone who is reading this blog is thinking about a career as a secret shopper. It isn’t all glamor and intrigue. Real dangers exist such as E. coli from who-knows-what-or-where or being blinded by an inattentive barber. Trust me, it’s just not worth it.

Close the fort gates! Man the big guns! Yes indeed, the War on Christmas is upon us.

At first it was the right-wing self-promoting dunderheads such as Bill O’Reilly who warned us that the secular progressives were wanting to put the kibosh on Christmas. Just who these secular progressives are who would destroy the celebration for all Christians is perhaps known only in the minds of the O’Reillys of the world.

Well, let me tell you, things have just gone bad to worse. Now it’s the Jews (You know, those people who Mel Gibson says starts all the wars) who want to burn our Christmas trees and smash our festive lights into dust. Just check out what’s happened in the Northwest.

Officials at the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport ordered that Christmas trees be taken down. The trees had decorated the facility’s entrance for the past 25 years. Such drastic steps were not so much as a complaint response as it was an overreaction to a suggestion, according to the rabbi who was responsible for the trees being yanked. The rabbi had asked the airport to build a menorah and hold a lighting ceremony along with the Christmas decorations.

However, the head of the airport’s governing body said some time-sensitive ultimata were issued by the rabbi’s attorneys. The airport suppposedly believed it would be easier to deal with the situation — at least for the time being — by taking down the trees.

Thank Shiva that all this wasn’t caused by those Godless secular progressives!

What is so galling about this story is not that the rabbi suggested a symbol of his faith be added or even that the trees symbolizing Christmas were removed. No, what is irritating is how the so-called “mainstream media” has jumped on the bandwagon that has mostly been pulled by the dunderheaded reactionaries.

Perhaps it is just that the media are overcompensating or don’t want to offend those to whom the Bill O’Reillys play. Not that it matters because many of those people hate the media anyway.

Then again, the Christmas war bandwagon could be a case of group think among editors and television news bigwigs who believe any conflict, no matter how ridiculous, is compelling to their audience.

Having to accommodate those of different faiths and backgrounds is just part of living in this melting pot of ethnicities and beliefs. Sure people want to show and celebrate their traditions and religious backgrounds. Sometimes there will be disagreements. That isn’t exactly something new.

And just because people don’t always agree on every little detail about each others’ lives does not mean that it is a war. It is when dialog between people breaks down and viewpoints and opinions are intractable as well as unworthy of consideration that leads to more serious disagreements in which war might erupt somewhere way down the line.

As long as people are talking — even though some weasel attorney — there is no war. It’s merely a discussion.

Whew, that sounds like a headline straight out of Borat. Nonetheless, it’s Friday and time for a little fun with government pictures. Why? It’s immature and plus, we can, that’s why.

Grip and grin No. 1

The Decider-in-Chief, wanting to project a newer, more accommodating image, holds hands with PM Tony Blair and sings “Kumbaya” for the jackals in the press corps.

Never can say goodbye

U.S. Sen. Jeff Sessions, R-Ala., left, ponders what he will do without his little buddy, outgoing and retiring Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, R-Tenn. Here they reminisce about one of Dr. Frist’s most memorable moment’s: the video diagnosis of Terry Schiavo.

Rummy’s “Dick Nixon” moment

Fired Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld tells Pentagon personnel during a Friday town hall meeting that they “won’t have Don Rumsfeld to kick around anymore.” This was before he was escorted out the main exit of the Pentagon by Marines, who then took his security badge and his secret decoder.

Grip and grin No. 2

The White House displays its portable “world leader mask” that is worn by a disguised Secret Service agent. The ruse is to make it appear that President Bush is meeting with Sayyed Abdul-Aziz Al-Hakim, leader of the Supreme Council for the Islamic Revolution in Iraq. The heads of various world leaders are sculpted into life-like masks worn by Secret Service and other White House personnel whenever the president pretends to be meeting a foreign official whom he does not want anywhere near him.

¿Quien es mas macho?

El Capitán, Texas Vicegobernador David Dewhurst es mas macho on his very own trading card found on the “Niños del Senado de Texas” Web site. This is destined to become a collector’s item along with the upcoming card for El presidente de la Cámara Tom Craddick, Republicano por Midland.