Eight Feet Deep

Judge John Roberts making nerve gas as a chemistry student at La Lumiere School in Indiana.

It will take nothing short of a miracle to liven up the Senate confirmation hearings for John Roberts. So far the senators seem content to ask Roberts questions of law. Boring dude. What I would not give to see two distinct occurrences in these important hearings for the man who could be chief justice of the U.S. Supreme Court for the next 30 or so years.

1)I wish someone, anyone, on the panel would hypnotize Roberts and make him act like a chicken.

2)I would like to see one of the senators get down to the question everybody’s been wanting to ask but is afraid to ask. “Judge Roberts, are you gay?” (Not that there’s anything wrong with it, as Seinfeld would say)

God, wouldn’t the mood of America just go completely on the upswing if Roberts flew out of that seat, tucked his hands under his armpits and boisterously clucked and crowed like a rooster fleeing Col. Sanders? I know I’d certainly be in a better mood provided someone taped it for me so I can play it over and over and over. It would be even better if the future CJ squawked out the tune to some song, say Johann Strauss’ “The Blue Danube.”

And it truly isn’t anyone’s business whether Roberts is gay or not. I think asking someone point blank if they are gay is rather rude under most circumstances. That’s why some senator should do it. My reasoning is this: I don’t care if Roberts is gay, straight or has an affection for Freedom Fries. I just want something to happen during these hearings to convince me when I see it on television that I am not actually watching “Night of the Living Dead.” Holy humdrum Batman, these confirmation hearings are a drag.

I hate to be cynical. Well, that’s not true, but it will take some bombshell that will blast Arlen Specter out of his shorts (which is something I truly do not want to see)for Roberts not to be confirmed. Then no one really knows except the new justice how he might rule on cases until they actually come before him. I take him at his word that he doesn’t even know.

So we might as well have a little fun at his expense. We can start a new constitutionally-mandated hazing ritual for new chief justices. The Senate should do something, for Pete’s sake, before millions succumb to boredom.

Bush arrives on USS Iwo Jima where he played guitar and sang chanties for the sailors.
If you listen to what some of the GOP leaders and their mothers have been saying lately with regard to the Hurricane Katrina aftermath, you would have sworn that some mischievous old hippies were around putting LSD in the Republicans’ bottled water.

An example of the perplexing statements came straight from the lips of our own illustrious leader President GW:

“Brownie, you’re doing a heck of a job.”

Of course, Brownie was removed from his job as head of FEMA and resigned today. I wonder what kind of acid the president was on the day he told “Brownie” that. Or even that day on the Mississippi Gulf Coast when he stood there fantasizing about sitting on the porch swing with Sen. Trent Lott:

“Out of the rubble of Trent Lott’s house — he’s lost his entire house — there’s going to be a fantastic house. And I’m looking forward to sitting on the porch.”

Oh wow, man, that spider web looks like a tunnel into the center of the earth! Did you see it Trent? Wow!

Then the president reminisced in New Orleans about visiting that city in his younger days “to enjoy myself — occasionally too much.” Ah, Mr. President, I also got torn down a time or two in New Orleans when I was younger. But I’m not leading the nation and trying to inspire people who have lost the better part of their city.

It wasn’t just the president talking like he had dropped acid, however. Even GW’s mom, Babs, must have downed a tab or two.

“What I’m hearing, which is sort of scary, is they all want to stay in Texas. Everyone is so overwhelmed by the hospitality,” Barbara Bush said about storm evacuees in a radio interview from the Astrodome in Houston, Texas. “And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this — is working very well for them,” she said.

U.S. House Speaker Dennis Hastert no doubt was hallucinating when he told an interviewer that he thought New Orleans should be a candidate for a bulldozer. And Tom DeLay, the House majority leader, perhaps pulled a magic mushroom from a cow patty before he made a statement to some evacuees last weekend at a Houston shelter, reported in this dispatch by the “Houston Chronicle:”

“While on the tour with top administration officials from Washington, including U.S. Secretary of Labor Elaine L. Chao and U.S. Treasury Secretary John W. Snow, DeLay stopped to chat with three young boys resting on cots. The congressman likened their stay to being at camp and asked, ‘Now tell me the truth boys, is this kind of fun?’

“They nodded yes, but looked perplexed.”

Maybe the pressure is just getting to all these people is the reason they are making often insensitive, nonsensical and, at times, absurd remarks.

Or maybe they are just really, really stoned.

Okay here is a little quiz. Which one was married to this elegant woman? Tippecanoe or Tyler Too. If you guessed President John Tyler, then you are correct.

First off, however, a little history about our cryptic presidential boys featured today. No, there is no reason in particular why I chose Presidents William Henry Harrison and John Tyler except for the word/photo gag, Tippecanoe and Tyler too. If you studied about these two in school and know more U.S. history than can fit inside your cranium, then go read something else, Wonkette perhaps.

Harrison was called Tippecanoe. It would have made sense if he was called that because he tipped over some canoe somewhere and, maybe drowned his boss. But nothing makes much sense when you talk about U.S. history. No, Harrison led military forces in 1811 that defeated warriors from a confederation of Indians led by Tecumseh. I think Tecumseh had the day off and his brother Prophet was on duty but don’t hold me to that. The battle took place on the Tippecanoe River in what is now Indiana. Yes, if you put an “a” on Indian you get Indiana. Very good. Have a cookie!

Back in the day, the white guys who elected the president of the U.S. thought anyone who could lead an army to victory would make a good president. Unfortunately, while he may have sworn to uphold the Constitution (don’t hold me to this as I am just guessing), Harrison’s constitution was certainly suspect. He died only a month after taking office. Talk about your term limits!

Tyler too, John Tyler that is, was vice president. He was off playing cards or filling a hole in back of the White House or something menial when Harrison died. That meant Tyler was the new president of the U.S.

What was most significant about Tyler’s term as president was Texas was admitted to the union. That’s why I am today a U.S. citizen rather than a citizen of the Republic of Texas (or Mexico.) Also interesting was that Tyler was kicked out of the Whigs. The Whigs were a secret society of cross-dressers who would put on “Guys and Dolls” once a year for Christmas. No, I guess I’m thinking of some other group, perhaps the Log Cabin Republicans. The Whigs were a political party. I don’t know what animal was their mascot. The Democrats have the donkey and the Republicans the elephant. Perhaps the Whigs had a cockatoo or three French hens, maybe even two turtle doves and a Partridge Family member (played by Danny Bonaduce).

President Tyler had two notable firsts while in office. He was first to have a spouse die in the White House (Letitia) and the first to marry while president (the lovely Julia above). Julia took to JT after a rather unfortunate episode. Julia, her father and sister joined the president for an excursion on a new naval frigate. As will happen sometimes a huge gun on the ship exploded and killed Julia’s father. Tyler consoled Julia after her father’s death and she eventually married the president who was some 30 years her senior. So let’s do a quick body count here:

William Henry Harrison — dead
Letitica Tyler — dead
The future Mrs. Tyler’s father — dead

Tyler also ended up on the losing side of the Civil War. He died as a member of the Confederate States of America’s House of Representatives.

The unfortunate nickname “His Accidency,” as a result of his inheriting the presidency from the dead Tippecanoe, hung around Tyler’s neck like a garlic necklace. It’s just as well. I don’t think the nickname “Lucky” would have stuck.

It makes more sense that way. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but more sense nonetheless.