Eight Feet Deep

Karl Rove explains dribbling

Here is another of life’s questions to ponder: “Where does Karl Rove?”

And another: “If Karl Rove fell in the forest would anyone hear it? Would anyone care?”

Okay, those are two questions. Sorry.

I’ve read a lot of stories today regarding this whole Joseph Wilson-Valerie Plame-Matt Cooper-Judith Miller-Bob Novak-Karl Rove thing. What a mess! If I was a dog and the Plame affair was a bone, I would bury so far under the earth that it would take an oil drilling rig to find it. Don’t get me started.

On a brighter note, I saved a bundle on my car insurance. Not really! I mean, really not really. My coverage went up $20 a month when I moved to Beaumont from Waco. I checked around with all the companies and my present insurance company was still the cheapest. It stinks — to high heaven. Wow, can you imagine something stinking all the way to heaven? I can’t. You would think something would stink all the way to hell. Did I tell you I didn’t save a bundle on my car insurance? Oh, I guess I did.

Prattle. Prattle. Prattle. Since baseball is no longer going to be an Olympic sport, I wonder if prattling could replace it? Or perhaps babbling. Can you imagine getting a gold medal for babbling? I know some people who can both prattle and babble. I guess that makes them prabllers, huh? Or maybe prattlebabblers? Beware of psychoprattlebabble. That is prattling and babbling by a psycho. I really need — A 4-piece Cheerios Breakfast set.

My Honey Nut Cheerios box says that the breakfast set is “Only $9.99 plus s & h.” S & H? Does that stand for schnapps & hors d’oeuvres? Because I could really use a snack right now. A shot of schnapps wouldn’t be bad either.

The breakfast set comes with an “easy clean” cereal bowl, cereal spoon, juice cup and write-on/wipe-off placemat. “The two-sided placemat has fun games for every stage of your child’s development.” I guess that would include games such as “The Cross-Kitchen Cheerio Toss” or “Scream Your Head Off and Make Mommy Psycho.” Hmm, maybe those would be good new Olympic sports. Your kids too can be Olympic gold medalist. Send me $1 and I will tell you how.

“How.”

(Offer not good in any of the 50 states of the U.S., or in Canada or anywhere else for that matter.)

We leave W.C. Fields to welcome yet another dead person to adorn this blog’s movable motto. Do a good job Brautigan. You never know how long you will be here. Of course, Brautigan is not really here because he committed suicide in 1984.

The quote refers to the closing line of his short story “A Walden Pond for Winos” in the book “Trout Fishing in America.” He writes about drinking port wine with these two artists in the park. The artists are talking about starting a flea circus and they reasoned they could get smarter fleas if they came from a Siamese cat.

It isn’t just the bizarre story lines that I like about Brautigan’s writing but rather his use of language. He was somewhat of a literary minimalist. That works sometimes and sometimes it doesn’t. But he worked it well.

I wonder what his work would have been like if he was still alive. It is one of those matters like fate, you just don’t know but that’s not going to deter you from speculating about it. What he would have made of the Internet and of the war on terror? Would his writing have improved with age like a fine wine? That’s not to say it needed any improvement although some critics during the 1980s thought so.

My speculation is that if Brautigan was alive and writing today he might never break out of his cult following. But that doesn’t necessarily mean you are not a successful writer. I have a friend who is a novelist who has never broke out past a cult following and I think he is doing quite well. As for whether Brautigan would improve, that is hard to speculate. Some writers get even better with time. Some do not.

But of course, none of that really matters. I like his writing and I think it stands well the test of time. I think if you say that about a particular writer, then that writer is already a success.

Yikes!!!

I thought I would let readers tag along for an exciting afternoon of running errands with eight feet deep. I don’t know where this bus was headed. Well, I do know or strongly suspect it was going to Interstate 10. Whether it went east or west after that I don’t know. I decided at a red light to snap a picture of the bus. I can’t imagine what the bus driver might have thought. He probably said: “That guy has way too much time on his hands.”

After lunch at Rio Rita’s, I stopped at Pipkin Park which is next to the Port of Beaumont and decided to take a photo of this dude. I really should have written his name down. Now I have to look on the Internet to see if I can figure out the guy in the statue. Well, I couldn’t find it. Sorry. Let’s just call him Oscar for right now. Oscar seems like a good name for a statue.

This is where discriminating exotic dancers go for their get-ups and get karate lessons while they are at it. I didn’t get out. I just thought it was an interesting combination of businesses.

I went to the mall but didn’t go inside. I figured I would never get anything done wandering around Books-a-Million or some such. Check out the clouds though. It came a hellacious rain and thunderstorm. A “frog-strangler” as we call such a weather event in these parts.

So now I am back at home. That’s my exciting Friday afternoon. It usually isn’t as exciting as this. So you all were indeed lucky to be with me on one of the more eventful days of my alleged life.

Well, I must be going. I think I need to clip my toenails or something. No I guess I’ll wait. I don’t believe I can tolerate that much excitement in one day.

When you’re number two you just don’t give a damn

Alas fair giant dalmatian-spotted fire hydrant in downtown Beaumont, Texas, I hardly knew you as the world’s largest. Today you are second largest. But you are the only giant dalmatian-spotted fire hydrant in town, so that makes you our giant dalmatian-spotted fire hydrant.

I really have a great appreciation for the big hydrant. Of course, I was a firefighter back in my college days. But I also appreciate the whimsy that such a structure inspires. I don’t even mind that it’s only the world’s second-largest fire hydrant.

Beaumont became home to what was the world’s largest hydrant in 1999 when Disney re-released “101 Dalmatians.” Disney had the hydrant shipped to Beaumont where it was placed in front of the Fire Museum of Texas. Roadside America , those chroniclers of all civic bigness in this land, describes the festivities the day the hydrant was dedicated:

“The fire museum marching band kicked off with the movie’s signature song, “Cruella De Vil,” while 101 Texas firefighters danced around the hydrant, climaxing as it sprayed firefighters with water and confetti. They shielded themselves with Dalmatian-spotted umbrellas. Then the firefighter families headed off to a complimentary screening of the film.”

The 24-foot hydrant’s reign as the world’s largest came to an end in 2001 when a 29 1/2-foot hydrant was built in Elm Creek, Manitoba. Damn Canadians! But it is okay with me to have the second-largest in the world, at least for now. In the meantime I will be thinking about how we might elevate the hydrant another six feet so it can rightfully reclaim its title as world’s largest. I just hope the folks who built the world’s tallest building in Taipei don’t decide to erect a hydrant to beat the Canadians. That could set off a full-scale hydrant race and I don’t think anyone wants that.

We split and fought a bit but we’re still family

Another senseless act by terrorists. This time killing and injuring those in London. This is just totally insane. These extremists who pervert Islam to suit their needs are willing to die for their cause, whatever it may be. They apparently have been influenced by some very good bullshit artists. America has some of the best bullshit artists on the planet. It’s time for them to come to the aid of their country and their world and put the energy they use selling cars, soap or dog food to fighting terrorism.

It’s hard not to be angry and negative about such stupidity as the London bombings. But I shall do my best to refrain and give my best wishes for the folks of London. And I hope they catch the evil bastards responsible for the carnage.