Rick Perry. OMG!

Well, it’s all over but the lying. It is pretty much official that Texas Gov. Rick “Good Hair” Perry will seek the GOP nomination for president. A spokesman for the state’s longest-serving governor — like the old Wolf Brand Chili commercial said “And that’s too long” — will make his announcement on Saturday somewhere at some kind of event full of Republicans.

The only good I can see come of this is if he eventually resigns as governor. I hope I hope I hope that doesn’t happen because he’s been elected president. I can’t take another term of a “Rexall Ranger,” what we used to call “drug store cowboys” or “goat ropers.” Oh, I know Perry was supposedly raised on a farm. He might have even been in FFA and have engaged in some of those supposed “Greenhorn initiations” with a chicken. Who knows what folks will find if they look far enough back. Why there was even this big rumor going around about five or six years back questioning the sexual orientation of both Perry and his Lite Gov. David Dewhurst. Whether any of it’s true or not, I don’t care. Well, maybe except the part about the chicken. Chickens are for eating, don’t you know?

We are going to hear a lot in days and weeks and months to come about how Perry practically reinvented this great state and put every last soul to work. I know that’s a lie because I was unemployed and sleeping in my pickup truck for a couple months under his governorship. Oh and he has done such a stellar job with immigration, hasn’t he? It was especially nice that he let those thousands of migrant workers come up here to Southeast Texas and put roofs on houses which were blown away by Rita and Ike. Let’s see what else he did. Oh, caused mayhem in the education system because he would rather “save a little for a rainy day” than make sure Texas schools had plenty of teachers. Need I go on? I think I will.

There are tons of issues that Perry ignored during subsequent legislative sessions such as the future of water in Texas, making sure Texas isn’t one big environmental s**thole. Instead, he declared that an emergency existed that pregnant women needed to see an ultrasound of their fetus because it just “might” change their mind. I’m not being judgmental. But I’m just saying.

We will hear a lot about this guy. Perry will have the Texas “Marlboro Man” mystique about him, for awhile at least. Let’s see, Perry would make, what, two Texas presidents who were male cheerleaders? Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Sometimes I wish I could just do a Rip Van Winkle and go to sleep for a long, long time. Unfortunately, when I woke up, things would probably be either the same, or perhaps even worse.

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