State legislatures in the U.S.: Only those with pea-sized brains need apply

Remember Mr. Peabody and Sherman? They were the cartoon characters in the “Peabody’s Improbable Tales” segment of the popular 1960s “The Bullwinkle Show.” The fictional Mr. Peabody was a dog, who along with his “boy” Sherman, would revisit history in the WABAC (pronounced “wayback”) machine which resulted in some awry version of a historical event.

Alas, some state legislatures — especially those conquered or heavily influenced by recent Republican waves — are producing laws which seem as if they were the result of a trip in some WABAC machine. Some legislation passed by GOP-led state houses are more in step with Colonial America than the U.S.A. of present. Sometimes one wonders if the neo-Puritan Republicans seek a return to the good old days of the 17th century when a man who dissed the Sabbath by kissing his wife, after returning from three years at sea, would get several hours in the stocks. Such was the time that men might also find themselves a bit “taller” after being stretched by the pillory for such offenses as slander, drunkenness or fortune-telling.

Here are some examples of what “enlightened” state houses are passing these days for the betterment of its citizens:

• Let’s say you are a junior high school teacher in Arizona and you have just had the crap beaten out of you by several of your darling little students. That’s bad, of course. But if a law being considered is passed, make sure your sudden, unexpected pain does not cause you to utter one of the words considered obscene by the Federal Communications Commission. You know, those words such as s**t or f**k! Arizona State Sen. Lori Klein — the same smart person who pointed a gun at a reporter last year while demonstrating a laser sight during an interview — has introduced a law prohibiting teachers from using such dirty words in front of students. While it is common sense not to talk dirty to students, it would be tempting to call the “brainy” senator a dumb f**king b***h upon her pointing a gun at someone in an attempt to be clever.
• Florida lawmakers are setting in motion a bill that would give them immunity from having to testify or turn over documents in lawsuits. Lawmakers who proposed the law say its timing has nothing at all to do with a lawsuit filed against redistricting that was done with clear Republican advantage. Oh no, wouldn’t do that. Not at all.
• GOP members of the Virginia House of Delegates passed a bill that would define human life beginning at conception, not at birth. The Republicans of the Oklahoma Senate have okayed a similar bill. Critics of such “personhood” laws believe passage of similar legislation could cause restrictions or even bans on use of contraceptives. Why not go a step farther? How about banning that 1st drink you take about five or six hours before … Oh, and maybe they should consider banning those “Daisy Duke” shorts and halter tops while they’re at it. I’m sure they wear those somewhere in Virginia and, if not, I know they do in Muskogee.

It is fully expected that states such as those aforementioned will also be passing laws soon in which the minimum requirement for election to state government requires the candidate to possess no larger than a pea-sized brain. Such legislation will no doubt ensure continued domination of state legislatures and offices by Republican party members.