Thinking positive: Don’t cross me and my designer dump truck after I win the Mega Million jackpot

The big news, apparently, is the Mega Millions lottery. I am going to win it too.

People say they aren’t going to win. I usually say that. I usually lose. So, I am going to win. I’m going to win. I’m going …

There are more lottery “experts” than I ever knew existed coming out of the woodwork today since this is the largest lottery jackpot in the world, maybe even in the universe. I wouldn’t be surprised, though, if way out there in the far away galaxy unknown to all but me and on the planet E1-L4 is an expert in inter-galaxy lottery behavior. If so, that spaceman is free to interview me after I win as long as he/she/it promises not to eat my eyeballs upon departure.

The “experts” say if you win a big jackpot you will likely lose it all and have to live in a box. Take it from me, live in in your truck but make sure it is one on which a camper is mounted. I slept many a time in the cab and it is not a bit comfortable. I may soon be back in that cab if I don’t find a place soon. But, why worry about it? I’m going to win the Mega Millions jackpot.

The estimated lump sum amount if one person wins (me) will be around $347 million after taxes. And other than the financial team I will assemble, no one will know jack about it until I think the coast is clear. Money makes people funny. Who said that? Why, I did.

Folks, including the local media, always write about what people fantasize about getting if they win the lottery. I won’t daydream though because I’m going to win. I know one of the first things I will buy, something I have long longed for, is a dump truck. It won’t be just any dump truck. It will be a Mercedes dump truck with custom-made Gucci mud flaps. A dump truck will be handy for those days someone really pisses me off and I track that person down utilizing my state-of-the-art GPS/Doppler radar/intelligence gathering and weapons system, or a GDOPDARTELWEPSYS. It will allow me to quickly fill up the bed with, say, a full load of roofing nails. Fully loaded, I can then speed down the highway in my trusty Mercedes, pull in front of my foe and let loose a stream of nails a mile long. The electronic weapons part of my GDOPDARTELWEPSYS will also block the target’s cell system so he cannot call someone to fix his four flat tires. And if that car happens to have one of those irritatingly, loud stereo systems that go THUMP-a-THUMP-a-THUMP, my electronic weaponry will cause my foe’s stereo to fry like a Fry Daddy at a K of C fried fish fundraiser.

Overkill you say? Yeah. And your point is?

Some say there is a fine level between good and evil. So I will do good with the money I win too. Just don’t cross me, especially on a bad day.

But never mind all that because the important fact here is I that WILL win that $347 million, all by my lonesome. And maybe just then I can see how that power of positive thinking thing works out.