Bob Schieffer could have one of the most enviable jobs this evening or one of the most horrid. The venerable — call me “venerable” in a few years to be kind to a geezer — CBS newsman Schieffer will sit at the same table and between Sens. Barack Obama and John McCain as the last presidential debate wraps tonight.
Moderating the final debate in perhaps one of the most historical elections during our times will allow to the moderator to see the eyes (or to paraphrase Shrub McBush “into the soul”) of the two presidential candidates. But that will only happen if both McCain and Obama have anything left in their soul after an extremely long, drawn-out and brutal campaign.
Schieffer, who has said this meeting will be more along the lines of a traditional debate, also could be caught in the middle of a real stinker. I have enough faith in the wise, old Yoda Schieffer that he won’t let it get out of control unless it just becomes a matter of something akin to a verbal battle using chemical warfare. I am talking about an old-fashioned farting contest where enough hot air can’t escape through extreme bloviation so everything that is left of each candidate’s best arguments could end up coming out of their ass.
So what else is new, one might ask?
Well, what is different this time is that the answers are for all the marbles if I might air out my mixed metaphors with perhaps a farting pun, or maybe some parting fun, if only it was that easy to stop.
Should the candidates tonight really “cut one” and as the doughboys might have said during the “War to End all Wars”: “Kiss the Kaiser,” there will be no turning back. No SBD, “Silent But Deadly,” farts will suffice for important political discourse to spin (clockwise in the Northern Hemisphere and counterclockwise in the Southern Hemisphere) down a veritable Toilet of Potential Governance. It reminds me of the story of the two boys and the great toothpaste sale.
It seems these two boys got jobs selling a new toothpaste door-to-door.
Little Timmy was an eager beaver and he envisioned selling his entire stock by noon. His successful sales would ensure that not only Timmy would be recipient of a handsome commission but would most certainly be a shoo-in for the company’s prize of a 3-D poster of the perfect set of teeth made perfect by the very toothpaste they were selling.
Little Johnny was known to be a very unscrupulous child who, had he not been of such a lazy nature, he would have majored in corner-cutting in college. But lo and behold, by mid-morning Little Johnny ran into Little Timmy in the street and Johnny was heading home after selling all of his toothpaste. Timmy, of course, was incredulous and asked Little Johnny how he could accomplish such a feat while Timmy had sold but one tube of toothpaste during his first three hours of door-knocking.
“Oh it was easy,” Little Johnny said. “I would walk up to a door and knock. A person would come to the door and I’d say: ‘Good day sir or madam. I am giving away candy. Would you like a piece?’ Of course, the occupant would say, then take the candy, put it in their mouth and say: ‘Why, this tastes like s**t.’ To which I would say: ‘It is. You wanna buy a toothbrush?'”
Yes, it could be a real stinker tonight. Hopefully it won’t. But if it does, just be grateful we don’t have “Smell-A-Vision,” or, that we don’t have Bob Schieffer’s job.