Author: Dick

Skies were blue yesterday afternoon and created a sharp contrast between it and the greening trees which spring have been. I spent the afternoon hanging outside with some friends where I live. I think I even managed to get a slight sunburn on my cheeks.

While my friends and I were hanging out enjoying ourselves, not so far away from us were people gathered on the Neches River bank just outside of our city Beaumont, Texas. These folks were grimly waiting for a body to be retrieved from the stream’s dark waters. Authorities believe the body was that of 39-year-old Dexter Jones who went missing more than a week ago while hanging with a friend. They had reportedly been drinking on the river banks at night when Jones disappeared. Police are treating the case as a homicide, according to the local Beaumont Enterprise newspaper.

Meanwhile, a missing boater just a ways up the river from where the Jones body was purportedly recovered. Family members told the Enterprise that 56-year-old Dennis Foster was found alive in a park.

So the same river delivered both great and tragic results despite different circumstances that put the two men in the water. There is not much more of a conclusion to be drawn from these two stories other than both men went into the same water body. But even if the Jones case turns out to be a result of foul play, one must still maintain a healthy respect for a great piece of our earth that can cause the direst of outcomes either through deliberate or other means.

I covered my share of stories in my past life as a newspaper reporter in which people lost their lives in the water. One of the most breathtaking was when two small kids were found floating alive in the water on their tiny life preservers after spending several hours in a small power plant lake near Waco. The little boys told the folks who plucked them from the water that their Dad was gone as his boat apparently sunk.

Draw whatever conclusions you want from these stories but the message is the same. Water is great to drink and can be a lot of fun on which to recreate but it can also be quite a dangerous force for those who aren’t paying attention to or are not knowing what they are doing. So like Sgt. Phil Esterhaus used to say on “Hill Street Blues,” “Let’s be careful out there.”

It seems as if every time you turn around there is a new “For Dummies” book. While walking into the library just this morning I found travel books to different countries such as “Honduras For Dummies.”

What started with “Dos For Dummies” in 1991, the series of reference books have become a phenomenon and it seems the publishers are always on the lookout for a new concept to be explained. If I was an expert on something I might write such a book but I don’t know if “Sleeping For Dummies” or “Breathing For Dummies” would be a big hit.

Nonetheless, here are a few suggestions for new books to add to the franchise which I am considering:

“Getting Hit On The Head By A Grand Piano For Dummies”
“Earwax For Dummies”
“Running From A Crazed Grizzly Bear For Dummies”
“Speaking To Mormon Missionaries For Dummies”
“Catching A Disease For Dummies”
“Playing Beethoven On A Tuba For Dummies”

And last but not least:
“Setting Your Pocket On Fire With A Butane Lighter While Walking Through A Gasoline Tank Farm And Living To Tell About It For Dummies.”

Yes, I can already see those royalty checks rolling in.

This Associated Press story qualifies for one of the stranger stories I have heard recently:

WICHITA, Kan. — A 35-year-old woman who sat on her boyfriend’s toilet for so long that her body was stuck to the seat by the time he called police had a phobia about leaving the bathroom, the boyfriend said.

Dorothy, this is Kansas.

The weirdest story involving a toilet in which I knew someone involved — with the exception of that unfortunate incident last year – my friend has only spoken once to me since then — happened back in the late 1970s to one of my former elementary school teachers. It seems she was sitting on the toilet and lit up a cigarette, causing her house to explode. The cause was believed to be a build-up of methane gas. Fortunately, she survived and seemed fine when I talked to her about five years or so later. It just underscores the point, cigarettes can be dangerous. And methane is no picnic either!

Now that Eliot Spitzer has resigned as New York governor and David Paterson has taken his place I am sure that everybody and their brother in the state of New York — with the possible exception of my friend Imaeyen who actually lives in New Jersey but works in N.Y. — are interested in becoming the next full-term exec of New York state.

Far be it from me to say what is in someone’s mind but when I heard all the clamoring for Sptizer’s ouster because of his alleged involvement in a prostitution ring I couldn’t help but wonder how much of the outrage is purely moral and how much is strictly political?

Politicians say one thing and do the other all the time, Spitzer apparently being a fine example. So come on — at least some of youse guys — spare me your indignation if you are just trying to make a fine political point. I mean, hypocrisy has become so commonplace among many in our political world that some do not take affront at being so labeled.

But the last that I heard being a hypocrite wasn’t necessarily a good attribute in an otherwise stand-up human being.

“You know the sheriff’s got his problems too/And he will surely take them out on you … “ “Mohammed’s Radio” by Warren Zevon.

It’s an all too familiar story. Man rises to position of prominence. Finds a woman who is not his wife. Does things. Gets caught. When the man of power is one of righteousness, self or otherwise, such as New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer, then what would be an ordinary tale of womanizing becomes a full-blown scandal.

Why does the problem that befell the so-called “Sheriff of Wall Street,” a.k.a. Gov. Spitzer, keep happening over and over? Bill Clinton probably couldn’t tell you or even Sen. Larry Craig. Experts have their theories. But maybe the reason is as old as humanity and one of the major topics among country-western songs along with trains, Momma and getting drunk.

The Spitzer story is even more sensational because he is governor of the Capital of the World — the state containing New York City. (“New York City? Get a rope.” Sorry, inside joke if you ever saw a Pace picante sauce commercial on TV.)

So, yes oil hit more than $109 per barrel today and no doubt has a little to do with gas prices of more than $3 per gallon (I paid $3.099 for the first time in my life today). Common sense tells you that is fueling runaway inflation and if we’re not already in a recession then maybe we’re headed for a depression. Sigh!

But seeing the mighty fall is what the public likes. They want to chop Eliot down to size. Let them eat oil cakes.