Author: Dick

One thing which can definitely be said for a federal government job — even a part-time one such as mine — is that it provides a lot of holidays. I am glad today is Presidents’ Day because I stayed up kind of into the late hours of the night or morning with a friend whose name I will not use to protect her reputation as an upstanding member of the community. Yeah, kind of like me, that’s why you only see me using only my nickname or the ubiquitous EFD.

Presidents’ Day is, for those of you who don’t know or care, the day that cheapskate R. Milhous Nixon combined in 1971 to consolidate the birthday holidays of George Birthington’s Washday and the Birthingham of Lincoln Abeday. Putting the birthdays together for one holiday might make economic sense but it surely sinks to the lowest levels of skinflintedness (if that’s a real word — if not, it should be). That would be like putting the birthdays of Jesus Christ and the United States of America together for Christmas on the Fourth of July. Or why the hell not just put Easter and Thanksgiving together and we can dye and hunt colored turkey eggs already?

Friends, the fact is we need MORE, not less holidays. Here are a couple of my suggestions:

Jerry Garcia’s birthday
The birthdays for all present and former members of the Doobie Brothers
Celebration of the invention of nail clippers
Make Festivus (Festivus for the rest of us!) an official celebration on Dec. 23.
The 2nd, 3rd 5th and 6th of July as well as the 4th. Or just the 1st-7th of July and we’ll call it Freedom Week.
National Blue Tail Fly Day (Traditional day of singing “Jinny Crack Corn”).
Marilyn Monroe’s birthday

And I could go on and on …

Just a few quick observations before I start the weekend.

The bigger they are the worse they fly

I just read about Continental Airlines and AMR, the parent company of American Airlines, talking about a merger. That can’t be good, as Delta and Northwestern also appear to be headed toward a union. I have already seen Continental’s customer service on a slide since I first flew with them eight years ago. My flight back from Washington was dreadful, complete with a “seat tango” before taking off and having 15 people jostle me while they stood waiting for the toilets after the movie was over. I called them yesterday trying to get a receipt for my flight so I can get reimbursed and they said since it had been “so long” (a couple of weeks) it would cost me $20. Paper is expensive, you know.

Scary stuff

The story about the Navy planning to shoot down a dying, toxic spy satellite is like something out of the movies. I sure hope the government is not lying again — not just about the shoot-down being some test to kill other nations’ satellites but about everything. I haven’t heard a lot about what could happen if the vessel hits a populated area. But something falling from outer space can’t be really good for you.

Dems “grow a pair”

At least that is how it seems after congressional Democrats are blocking the Bushies’ attempt to forever do away with the constitutional strictures on searches without warrants in the foreign surveillance bill. But with that whole bunch in Congress, they are likely to sell the Constitution down the river anyway. We can get thousands of our young men and women killed for “freedom” in Iraq but we can’t be secure in our own homes because of those lawless bastards in the White House.

Rocket and ‘Roid Rage?

A lot of folks in my area of Southeast Texas are talking about the Roger Clemens/Andy Petitte testimony in Congress. The only thing I have to say is to be consistent. If you are going to slam ball players for “cheating” by taking steroids then lets have equal outrage for the New England Patriots cheating by videotaping the other side’s coaching signals. Even no less the likes of LaDanian (L.T.) Tomilinson, (Waco University High School, Texas Christian University and all-Pro with the San Diego Chargers) as straight an arrow there is, according to accounts from people I have known who have been around him, admits the type activity which the Patriots were involved in is not exactly rare in the NFL. Cheating is as cheating does.

Have a great weekend.

Now that Texas might be of significance in, at least, the Democratic race for presidential nominee, I seem to have lost interest. I don’t know why that is. Maybe I have finally overdosed on the incessant 24/7 “horse-race” coverage everywhere in the media world. God knows there are mornings after I am awake and am watching CNN that I crave for a good old scandal or world crisis or whatever. Unfortunately, when news rises to such a level it usually has to do with dead people and, after years of chasing car wrecks to fill an ever-hungry news hole, I am not really up for that first thing in the mornings much anymore.

Jack Shafer, whose Slate media critiques are more reliably than others of his ilk on the mark, recently acknowledged the depth of campaign coverage can be overwhelming with what I thought was a very on-point analogy:

“Even political news gluttons must feel as staggered by the surfeit of coverage this campaign season, as did the proverbial Soviet émigré the first time he wheeled a shopping cart into a 1960s Safeway. The big difference is that today’s news supermarket is a 24-hour Wal-Mart with miles of aisles instead of a few manageable choices.”

Da.

Despite such surplus of campaign news and analysis, Shafer goes on to say, the media (large “M”) are actually doing well what it ideally should be doing in a society such as ours. That would be, simply put, giving the public information which may help them make some semblance of an educated opinion before drawing the curtains and pulling the lever. It is up to the public, of course, whether the lever is one on a voting machine or on a one-armed bandit although sometimes it can be hard to tell the difference.

So perhaps by the time the March 4 primary rolls around in my beloved Lone Star State I will have self-generated a little more excitement about the election once again. If I still have a deficit of enthusiasm by that time, it certainly won’t be because I didn’t have a chance to give the candidates a careful going-over.

I just blew into town ahead of the cold front with its alleged heavy rains and possibly gusty winds and having finished a burger at the local Internet(s) cafe I need to make this quick as I only get an hour’s free usage with lunch. Cheap? No, just still not the world’s wealthiest man. However, I did read today that I share the exact birthday as Bill Gates. Perhaps next birthday he will send me a used Cessna Citation or a million dollars or both.

The colonoscopy went fine this morning. It was fine in that nothing unexpected or even mildly dangerous was found. The source of the GI bleeding was from one of those uncomfortable little clumps of swollen veins and tissues which pile on the agony from time-to-time, so to speak. I must admit looking up close and personal with your colon is a rather dazzling experience. I guess you could call it “gut spelunking.” The doctor who performed the exam said I had a rather long colon so I guess it is safe to say that I a) Have a lot of guts and/or b) Possess no semicolon. So sue me.

It is amazing at what lengths people will go just to attempt something as trivial as staying alive. Take, for instance, a colonoscopy. Here is how the National Institute of Health describes the gastrointestinal examination:

“A colonoscopy is an internal examination of the colon (large intestine), using an instrument called a colonoscope. The colonoscope is a small camera attached to a flexible tube. Unlike sigmoidoscopy, which examines only the lower third of the colon, colonoscopy examines the entire length of the colon.”

To break that down a bit, it is like taking a photo safari inside a sewage treatment plant only at a most uncomfortable pace.

Tomorrow I begin the two-day process to prepare for the Tuesday test at the Michael E. DeBakey Veterans Affairs Hospital in Houston’s Texas Medical Center. The test in itself is enough to cause great dread and loathing. But the fact that it is at the VA Hospital makes it even more an event I would view with about the same anticipation as being beaten by a gang of street toughs while having Barry Manilow music piped through my brainwaves. The VA is not exactly a hotbed of human kindness.

Back to the procedure, here is sort of in a sanitized nutshell what the next two days will bring for me:

“Thorough cleansing of the bowel is mandatory. Instructions for doing this will be given by the provider. This will include using enemas, not eating solid foods 2 or 3 days before the test, and taking laxatives. Complete emptying of the colon before the examination requires enemas or other purgatives. These must be repeated until no solid matter remains.”

This is like calling a giant meteor striking the earth “an upsetting event.”

And here is how the actual test is performed:

“You will lie on your left side with your knees drawn up toward the chest. After administration of a sedative and pain reliever, the colonoscope is inserted through the and gently advanced to the lowest part of the small bowel. Air will be inserted through the scope to provide a better view. Suction may be used to remove secretions. Since better views are obtained during withdrawal than during insertion, a more careful examination is done during withdrawal of the scope. Tissue samples may be taken with tiny biopsy forceps inserted through the scope. Polyps may be removed with electrocautery snares, and photographs may be taken. Specialized procedures, such as laser therapy, may also be performed.”

Yeow. The simple fact is when such a procedure begins at the very end of the digestive system and works its way back, one must surely know that pleasant will never be used as a descriptive word. It reminds me of the story my dad used to tell about some guy being asked by a judge about a incident of lawlessness.

Judge: It says here you shot the guy in the rectum. Is that correct?

Defendant: Rectum hell, I killed the S.O.B.

The positive side of the colonoscopy is to presumably give one a head start in staving off a serious malady such as colon cancer. There are a number of reasons one may have the test ordered in addition to screening for tumors such as, in my particular instance, finding a reason for lower gastrointestinal bleeding. There are some possible reasons for this that are relatively benign and hopefully those will be the outcome. Either that, or to be given a chance for an early shot at staving off something possibly life-threatening makes all of this dreadful preparation and hellish discomfort worthwhile. Or so I suppose. Oh well, wish me luck.