Author: Dick

A wiener company has determined through a survey what are the favorite condiments people put on their Chicago style hotdog. Please notice I said condiments and not condomments because otherwise people might complain of the latex taste.

That’s getting pretty specific when you survey the condiments of a Chicago hotdog. Then again, it would be a bear of time determining what were the favorite toppings on all the other variations of the hotdog: The Tel Aviv hotdog, the East Rutherford, N.J., hotdog, Mr. Chu’s hotdog, Mrs. Chu’s hotdog, the Armour hotdog, the Armored hotdog, the Armored Tel Aviv hotdog that Mrs. Chu serves on Wednesday’s … You get the drift.

The Vienna Beef Company conducted what was cleverly-named the “CSI — Condiment Survey Investigation.” (Let’s hear a little yuk-yuk-yuk). Here are the results of favorite Chicago hotdog condiments:

Yellow Mustard * 55.4%
Ketchup 55%
Onions * 52.6%
Chili 40.8%
Bright Green Relish * 40.7%
Spicy Deli Mustard 32.1%
Sauerkraut 26.8%
Dill Relish 12.7%
Tomatoes * 7.2%
Pickle Wedge * 7.8%
Celery Salt * 3.6%
Sport Peppers * 3.0%
Giardiniera 1.0%
*Denotes the seven actual ingredients on a Chicago-style hotdog. You get bonus points for naming the seven words you can’t say on television.

The survey also found that men overwhelmingly prefer onions as their favorite topping on a Chicago hotdog while women list yellow mustard as their preferred condiment. Wow, I really didn’t expect those findings. Of course, I never really thought about it.

Unfortunately, it appears from the press release by Vienna Beef that their president seems to be either a catsup bigot, an under 17 bigot, or is prejudiced against those under 17 who like catsup.

“Unless you’re under 17, ketchup isn’t part of the equation,” says Vienna Beef president Howard Eirinberg.

Oh yeah? If I pay for a damned hotdog I will put whatever I want on it, chief! I don’t care if it is a Chicago dog, Chili dog, Kraut dog, Quiche dog, Mackrel dog or Tofu dog. If I want to put catsup on it I will and the Vienna Beef Co. president can’t stop me. Not that I would put catsup on a hotdog.

Those surveyed also listed the people they would most like to share a Chicago hotdog with:

“Reba McEntire, Mike Ditka, Dick Cheney, Eva Longoria.”

Honestly, that’s what the press release said. Isn’t strange however large the sample was for the CSI, that they picked those four particular people? I mean, who wouldn’t want to share a hotdog with Dick Cheney? Perhaps they would also like to bird hunt with him.

The Senate fell one vote short needed for a 2/3 majority to pass the proposed constitutional amendment that would give Congress the right to ban flag burning.

Democratic senators argued that the Republican majority was willing to alter the First Amendment for political gain. Of course, the Dems got their little political dig in as well with an amendment to the amendment proposed by Sen. Dick Durbin, D-Ill.

Had Durbin’s measure passed it would have made flag desecration illegal on federal property under certain conditions and would also prohibit demonstrations from taking place near a funeral for a service member. The latter provision comes because of the religious nut-jobs from a Kansas Missionary Baptist Church who are protesting at funerals of those service members killed in Iraq. The nut-jobs say God is getting even for tolerance of homosexuals in this country. (New motto: God, he doesn’t get mad, he gets even)

Durbin’s amendment failed but it now gives Democrats the chance to point at Republicans and say: “You voted against protecting the funerals of American troops killed in Iraq.” Which is only slightly better than the Republicans being able to say about Democrats: “You voted against protecting the flag.”

Is this a great country, or what?

Almost everyday I search craigslist and other sites looking for freelance writing gigs. Also, almost everyday I see ads wanting writers for some “new, exciting” magazine or Web site. And invariably most of these publications say something to the effect of: “We can’t pay you but we will publish your bio which will attract worldwide attention.” Or something like that.

In other words, they are wanting writers to write something for free so they can use it for whatever purposes. You might understand that this annoys me to quite a grand degree. People are out there, like myself, who try to make a living writing. It is extremely difficult to do. I’m not even making a living. Yet, some bozo wants me to write for nothing so I or others can see my name in print. Well here is a little secret Bozo: I’ve seen my name in print.

Can you imagine how a mechanic would respond if you wanted him or her to rebuild your engine and tell them: “I can’t pay you, but you will be on my Web site?” Or if you asked a brain surgeon to perform a delicate procedure on you and you told the doctor: “I cannot give you any compensation, but your kindness will be recognized by a plaque in my Good Guys Hall of Fame?” I don’t even think they would laugh at such utterances. I think they would probably just punch you in the nose.

So I have decided to make up my own craigslist ad to send out to different locales. And my ad will be frankly honest:

“I need money. Please send me whatever you’ve got.”

Or,

“Do you want to make me happy? Well, all you have to do is send me all of your money. That money will bring a smile to my face. And after all, isn’t that what is important?”

Ah yes, I can see a Mercedes-Benz in my future already.

You don’t have to be cynical to see what is going on with Congress as they once more try to pass a proposed constitutional amendment that would prohibit burning the U.S. flag.

So what is going on, you ask? Well, it is true that Republicans are appealing to their ultra-right base just months before mid-term elections. Also, if a member of Congress votes against the proposed amendment, it gives their opponent an opportunity to charge that they were FOR burning the flag. Ridiculous you say? Just watch and see if the flag-burning prohibition measure passes.

I haven’t heard of any flag burning in almost 20 years with the exception of the VFW properly torching old, worn-out flags as in the manner of which they should be disposed. I have heard of a few other problems though: inadequate access to health care, high gasoline prices, a war that shouldn’t be fought, influence peddling to Congress, the immigration issue, Social Security insolvency, terrorism … It goes on and on and on.

The American public should take offense at such transparent pandering as is being undertaken by the Republican-controlled Congress. By wanting to gut the Bill of Rights — which is already under attack by the Bush administration — this self-serving political ploy about flags that are hardly endangered cheapens the very object that it allegedly attempts to protect. Reducing our right to freedom of speech is downright unpatriotic. But hey, getting re-elected is more important that being free, right?

It was too bad that I got stuck in traffic on I-45 just north of Huntsville, Texas, yesterday. You see, if I had been stuck just south of Huntsville, I could have had the time to marvel at Big Sam. Big Sam, the roadside statue of our (Republic of Texas) second president, Sam Houston is what gives travelers the will to live after traveling long distances on Interstate 45.

Especially glad was I to see it yesterday after having encountered a traffic jam seemingly in the middle of nowhere. I was driving back from Dallas and managed to keep the cruise control on from where Central Expressway gave way to I-45 until I hit this endless ribbon of cars just outside of Huntsville that was headed south but going nowhere.

How long this line of creep-along traffic was I couldn’t say. That’s because I was just too antagonized to keep track. But I probably spent 45 minutes in this traffic jam. And what was the reason for this massive metallic tail? It was a 1-mile strip of highway that is under construction (although no one was working at the time) that has a barrier which shrinks the interstate from two lanes to one. Only 1 mile long and it probably created a snarl from the Walker County line all the way back to the jerky store in Centerville.

It seems there should be a better way so that traffic does not get all bottled up like this. I mean, we have cell phones, computers, Blackberrys, red berries, strawberries and “American Idol.” Why can’t someone smart come up with something that will make traffic flow much faster and smoother in such conditions?

About halfway into the traffic jam, I saw a so-called “Dynamic Message Sign” just off the shoulder but I couldn’t tell what it said. Just think of all the gas that could be saved with making traffic move along at least at a steady roll. You’d probably have less smog as well. And you would most likely reduce the chance of someone going ape s**t because of the traffic and opening up on other drivers with an AR-15.

Someone out there needs to put their good old American ingenuity to use for something other than figuring out how to steal someone’s identity on the computer. Let’s go geniuses. Traffic is waiting.