Author: Dick

One would think that by the title of this post I would be writing something about a gorilla. Actually, the title (for those of you who don’t know)comes from Warren Zevon’s 80s album called “Bad Luck Streak in Dancing School.”

“Gorilla You’re a Desperado,” is actually a catchy song about the superficial life in Los Angeles circa the 80s. The big gorilla in the LA Zoo, snatches the glasses off the singer’s face, steals the keys to his BMW and leaves him there to take his place. And it goes from there. Whatever that means.

But the bad luck streak is really the focus of my attention. A friend took me to lunch yesterday and I suggested to her that perhaps there are just certain common time periods in our lives and those of our friends in which some aspects of life truly sucks.

What had started the conversation was talking about the news I had received about my friend, Nick in Arkansas, having a major heart attack. His affliction is just one in a number of problems plaguing assorted friends, family and myself this year. Sigh, and I had such high hopes for 2006 but it really has been a major disappointment. By the way, Suzie, Nick’s wife and also my longtime friend, e-mailed me today that Nick is back home recovering sufficiently so he can have bypass surgery in about five weeks. My thoughts are certainly with my friends, needless to say.

It really is difficult to examine thoughts about what is random and what isn’t, what is fate, what is luck, what is karma and why does life suck during the particular times that it does? Perhaps having a strong faith helps make sense of it. I don’t know because, while I have my own peculiar spirituality, I am not particularly “faithful” in the theological sense.

I sincerely hope things get better for my friends, family and myself, because I certainly get weary hearing that giant sucking sound that masquerades as life.

Gaggle
Main Entry: gag·gle
Pronunciation: ‘ga-g&l
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English gagyll, from gagelen to cackle
1 : FLOCK; especially : a flock of geese when not in flight
2 : AGGREGATION, CLUSTER; a gaggle of reporters and photographers

“And it was here that the Doughboy surrendered to Special Forces soldiers … “

Intelligence gained from the raid that killed Abu Musab al-Zarqawi led U.S. Special Forces on Friday to capture the wanted terrorist known as the Pillsbury Doughboy. The Army’s super-secret Delta Force raided a village outside Baghdad and found Doughboy inside a shack hiding out with some local baqlawa, described by an Army spokesman as the Iraqi equivalent of a baklava.

The doughboy came out with his hands up, letting loose a very robust: “Hee-hee.” He surrendered to the Special Force unit without incident. Army officials say the doughboy is being examined by doctors prior to his being transferred to prison. He is thought to be suffering from hardening due to his time in the Iraqi sun.

Ann Coulter has been in the news a lot lately because of some stupid things she has been saying while hawking her new book: “Gas the Liberals.” Or some such offensive title like that. She has made nasty comments in her book and on television about 9/11 victims who don’t abide by her Nazi-like, conservative line.

Coulter always says stupid things and she is good at getting publicity when she says something stupid that tends to piss someone off. The Super Bowl for most outrageous huckster would likely include Coulter and Bill O’Reilly.

Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, D-N.Y., is also in the news a lot. Many pundits say she is going to run for president like her cad hubby, the Billster. Hillary doesn’t have to make outrageous statements to draw attention to herself. Just her mere existence makes her right-wing foes lose all reason and causes their faces to light up red due to their boiling Republican blood.

So we know about the ability of Coulter and Hillary Clinton to attract attention. But what we don’t know — and this is very important — is who would win in an old-fashioned, whip-ass match between the two blondes?

It is such an intriguing idea, the two of them in a physical altercation, that I would probably buy action figures of both and stage grudge matches between them were it not for the fact that my friends already think I’m pretty weird.

Personally, I think it would be no contest. Hillary could snap Coulter’s heroin addict-like frame into a twig pile. And if Hillary ever got Coulter down and started applying pressure on her body with the H-woman’s mammoth thighs, it would be lights out for little Annie Fanny.

I think such a match would be highly entertaining and could probably break all records for a Pay-Per-View broadcast. Unfortunately, just thinking about the two of them will probably make me wake up screaming for the next few nights.

President Bush punishes VA Secretary Jim Nicholson for the missing data by putting a “death grip” on the secretary’s hand.

Veterans Affairs Secretary Jim Nicholson told Congress today that he was sorry about that “little screw-up” in which private data of 26 million veterans and 80 percent of the active military was stolen.

“I am totally outraged as to this loss of this data and the fact that an employee will put veterans at risk,” Nicholson told the House Committee on Government Reform. “But it is my responsibility now to fix this. It is doable. It won’t be easy and it won’t be overnight because we will have to change the culture.”

Which culture Nicholson was talking about wasn’t clear. Surely he isn’t talking about the Mayan culture. Or the Culture Club. Because I am not even sure if there is a Culture Club anymore. Okay, maybe there is. Don’t you long for the heyday of Boy George? I sure don’t.

A VA employee took home a computer and it was stolen. Files in the computer contained birthdays, Social Security Numbers, favorite colors, shoe sizes and the names of pets of veterans discharged after 1975 as well as information as to whom were the very first people they ever kissed. (I’m one of those veterans — First kiss: A blonde in a bikini named Gigi, Summer 1970.) The VA didn’t disclose the information until three weeks after it happened and the full extent of the data was taken, including revelations about the private information of active duty service members, was made known only recently.

Even though Nicholson said that those affected will receive a free credit check, he has yet to personally send me a letter explaining the shenanigans that have been taking place at the VA. Also unknown at this time is whether every veteran and service member whose personal information was purloined will be compensated with 40 acres and a mule.