Old Sayings Retirement Home No. 14

The world is in such a fix. War. Crime. Disease. A hurricane just tore the hell out of my city less than two months ago. Despair, despair, despair.

But isn’t the world always in a fix? Isn’t life just death sucking on a Lifesaver? Think about the 17th century. Does plague ring a bell? Brother fought brother during incredibly bloody battles in our own great nation in the 19th century. In the 20th century we had two WORLD wars! It’s like Rosanne Rosannadanna said: “If it’s not one things, it’s another.”

Thus I feel Lenny Bruce’s saying topping our blogspot is most appropriate. Human beings are almost universally up to no good. Always have been up to no good. And probably always will be up to no good. Don’t fight it. Cherish it. Laugh about it. We’re funny sumbitches. I wish more people could appreciate that. But then, we wouldn’t be funny sumbitches anymore would we?

Dickens cooked the gumbo


Looking for a clue Mr. Holmes? If so I am afraid you are staring at the wrong guy. For I have not a clue what someone dressed as the famous sleuth is doing at the Girl’s Haven Gumbo Festival on Crockett Street in downtown Beaumont, Texas, on this semi-dreary afternoon. I would like to think this Sherlock was looking for bad gumbo ingredients such as foul fowl, perhaps even a poultry-geist or a hen with an avian flu. But I actually think he’s a hallucination. If I check the blog later and he’s still there then I guess my theory will have been shot to hell.


More literary action figures. This time with a twist of Dickens. I think these people were part of a gumbo team. I wonder if they have any cheers for their team like in high school football?

“Get that flour
Make that roux
Throw in a little sausage
And chicken too.
Rah, rah, rah.”

And that is why I would starve to death as a poet.


Even more confusing? Why yes, now that you mention it. I don’t really know what a dragon is doing at a gumbo festival. Even if it was Daryl Dragon. Yeah I did kind of reach real far down into the bag for that one. Daryl Dragon was the Captain in the Captain and Tenille in case you didn’t know. I never knew why he was a captain and not an admiral. Of course, the captain is lord of the ship even if an admiral is aboard. But the captain is supposed to go down with his ship so I see that as a drawback.


This is kind of behind the scenes stuff. It is a photo of what happens when a dragon poses with teenage girls. And you know, I’m not really sure what the gender is of this dragon. Or if it has a gender. Or a past. You get what I am saying? No? Okay then.


Finally, for your musical enjoyment I give you three guys playing Celtic folk songs. The song they are playing in this photo is about Celtic folk who go from village to village doing deeds so Celtic folk singers will write songs about them.

Actually, the band is called Alternate Route and for three working stiffs (the lead singer is a district attorney’s investigator), they sound pretty good. They were probably the least weird of what I saw downtown today at the gumbo festival.

Oh and the gumbo? I didn’t eat any. I just knew that I forgot to do something when I was at the gumbo festival!

Pondering the animal kingdom


Do people really look like their pets? Some people do. But I would be hard pressed to find people who look like certain animals, were such animals pets. Take this Budgett’s frog for instance. It’s kind of cute in its own amphibian kind of way. If I were to describe this frog I would say it is something that looks like a saucer with legs.

Pandas are sort of bizarre looking. They look kind of like a stuffed animal that was dreamed up by someone with a dark soul who probably read too much Poe when they were younger. Probably someone somewhere thinks Sen. Dianne Feinstein looks bizarre as well. I don’t think she looks bizarre. I’ll just kind of leave it there.

Of course the king of the weird is the jackalope. What a perfect creature in every respect except for being a taxidermy trick. Just think of the havoc a jackrabbit with antlers could unleash out in the wilds. Probably a lot of lower limb injuries to humans would be one result were jackalopes aggressive. And real.

Remember: Be kind to animals. You never know what they’ll do next. And you don’t always know where they’ve been.

Swirling a little more inside the pit


This Plame, CIA leak, treason, cluster f**k, whatever you want to call it seems to suck everyone near it inside its vortex like a hopped-up storm sewer. Bob Woodward, of the Washington Post-Woodstein-Watergate fame, is the latest.

I don’t know what to think about his revelations that he apparently heard about Valerie Plame’s identity as a CIA agent before everyone else. Or the fact that he failed to inform his superiors at the paper. Having been a newspaper reporter I can definitely think of reasons not to tell the editors something right away. The reason? They wanted it yesterday and your info may be waaaaaaaaaaay premature and you might slither over the ends of the earths from now until retirement and still not find any proof of the BIG STORY. Thus, the editors will not smile upon you.

But it’s a bit curious that Woodward waited so long to tell and his books about the Bush presidency have been as if Bob had planted a hidden camera in one of GW’s eyebrows. He gotta lotta access is what I’m saying.

I’m still willing to give Woodward the benefit of the doubt. I probably do that more with reporters than I should but I was one, still am occasionally, and I see that they get piled on more due to expediency and spin rather than cold, hard facts. It seems the blogosphere’s big game is to pile on reporters. Some of this piling on comes from people who only regurgitate what has been regurgitated quite a few times removed that day.

I still think it is rather humorous how journalists are second-guessed at every turn by those who would be offended and even outraged if someone questioned the motives or methods of their occupation.

“That plumber should have used at least a 3/4-inch stilson wrench on that fixture!”
“The yard man just used a broom to sweep away the leaves on one section of the sidewalk instead of the leaf blower. How dare he!”
“My psychiatrist should have asked me about my mother!”
“My bartender only gave me a shot of tequila instead of a shot and a half!”

Well, I guess everybody has something to bitch about with people in every profession. The point is that journalists deal with a commodity much different and vastly more subjective than using the right wrench or a leaf blower. That would be information.

Journalists aren’t paid well as a rule. They are second-guessed at every turn by the public and brow-beaten by editors who think their title imparts a knowledge that is as imaginary as your little invisible childhood friend Benny (or my case an invisible apostle Peter). But so many expect perfection from those journalists and it is a standard never to be attained. Is something just a little wrong with this picture?

Time is not on my side. No it's not.


It would come as a surprise to me if I find myself alive 50 years from now. That is because I would be just a little more than 100 years old. That isn’t impossible, just unlikely. I do want to make the best of those years past 50 however. And I don’t think that includes sitting at the computer doing software things for almost five hours.

Basically what happened is that I upgraded my operating system a few weeks ago. I began having more problems than I ever had before, so I decided to do a total installation of the OS this morning. If I had a little more physical pain the task would have been slightly more uncomfortable than having a tooth filled without novacain.

I am convinced that the people who design software stay up late at night trying to devise methods leading to befuddlement and eventually rage for those who use their products. I am not a patient man and it seems the older I get the less patience I have. That kind of makes me wonder if I will reach a point in life where I have absolutely no patience at all?

“Here check my groceries out you young whippersnapper before I beat you to oatmeal consistency with my cane!” I can just imagine saying. God help the motoring public if that happens. An old man full of rage who can’t drive for shit.

Perhaps I have wandered over the yellow line a bit but I just feel I could be doing so much more than spending hours on end installing and uninstalling computer programs. Which reminds me, I still need to download WMP and Adobe Acrobat. So I’ll say: “Ta.” And stay out of my way when you see me on the roadway. Time’s a-wasting.