Author: Dick

You may say many things good and bad about my home state of Texas. But you can never say that capitalism isn’t alive and well in the Lone Star State. My proof is this ad I saw on Houston’s Craigslist:

“TEXAS flag bikini resembles the great TEXAS state flag.
All sizes available.”

It is hard to imagine that William B. Travis, Jim Bowie or Davy Crockett — before being overrun at the Alamo — would have envisioned women running around in skimpy particles of the Texas flag. Then again, who knows what ones sees when violent death is imminent. You hear about your life flashing before you. I mean, seeing bikini-clad women wearing the flag of the adopted homeland you are about to be killed for probably wouldn’t be the worst, last thing to see.

Now I am sure there are people who vehemently disagree with the selling of what might be provocative articles of clothing that resemble our state’s flag. Flags — especially the U.S. flag — seem to hit a lot of nerve endings as if these symbols were desecrated every 10 seconds. You kind of expect to see Sally Struthers looking out at you with sad eyes on the TV screen asking you to send money and save a flag. Then there is that whole rebel flag controversy. Our people sure get worked up over symbols.

I don’t know what one is supposed to think if they are a red-blooded Texan about Texas flag bikinis. But this red-blooded Texan doesn’t think it’s traitorous or disrespectful or disgusting depending on, of course, who is wearing the Lone Star as a bikini. Because you know not everyone can pull off wearing a bikini. Leslie Cochran, who hangs out around Sixth and Congress in Austin, comes to mind.

So I just ask my fellow Texans to be as accepting and open-minded as they usually are and … Okay, I just ask my fellow Texans not to make a big fuss over Texas flag bikinis. But Leslie really shouldn’t wear one.

By posting the above photograph I give literal meaning to the old cliche “That’s water under the bridge.”

Flowing somewhat slowly under that bridge is Big Cow Creek, at the swimming hole and party spot of my youth. Yes, before the the Internet there were creeks in which kids would swim. This is especially so in the rural areas like those where I was raised.

Summer days past you might have found a half-dozen or more kids swinging off a rope and diving into the cold creek to beat the Texas heat. I don’t know if this is the case nowadays. On the day I visited a couple of weeks ago, the place was deserted.

It makes me wonder about that cliche — water under the bridge — meaning it is a past matter and mostly inconsequential or best forgotten. What does that really mean? Why is water under the bridge something best left alone? Is it because the past really doesn’t matter? Because as you surely know, the past often matters. Or is it that certain things matter while others don’t? Aha! Maybe. Perhaps. Not.

People really have some strange phrases pass their lips. But it doesn’t really matter. You know, it’s old hat. What’s done is done. Time to piss on the fire and call in the cliches.

That’s kind of a breathtaking photo above of the now decommissioned U.S. Coast Guard Cutter Tamaroa. I say it’s breathtaking. It certainly is to me and I imagine it is to many people like myself who have spent time at sea in a storm. The picture was taken in October 1991, probably off the coast of Massachusetts. It was during the real “Perfect Storm” in which the fishing vessel Andrea Gail was lost. I could say something mean about George Clooney, who played the Andrea Gail’s driven captain in the movie, “The Perfect Storm,” but I won’t. Hint: Not a big George Clooney fan.

Such storms are the kind of environment in which the Coast Guard works. They plow the rollicking ocean in ships such as the 205-foot Tamaroa or fly their helicopters in the storms to try to save lives. Many times the people they will be rescuing are jammed up because of stupidity. But, yes, the good old Coast Guard rescues stupid mariners too.

We used to deride the Coast Guard when I served in the Navy because their ships primarily wouldn’t operate too far from land. For instance: “You have to be 6 feet tall to join the Coast Guard. Why? Because if your ship sinks you have to be able to walk ashore.” But that is just the kind of good-natured BS that goes on between members of different armed services.

I long have had a deep respect for the Coast Guard, even before I joined the Navy. As a matter of fact, I thought about joining the Coast Guard instead of the Navy. But a hometown buddy who enlisted with me and went to boot camp with me talked me out of the idea. It all worked out.

These Coast Guard people are also protecting our ports the best they can from terrorists. That is a difficult task in itself. The Coast Guard was one of the “lucky” agencies to get folded into the new Homeland Security Department after spending a number of years under the U.S. Department of Transportation. They are still military even though they are not part of the Defense Department. Hey, it’s a long story.

I had a friend tell me a story one time which I have no idea if it’s true. The person who told me was always good at embellishing. This guy served on an icebreaker before the Navy turned icebreaking duties over to the Coast Guard. He said they had “liberty call,” in Antarctica where they were able to get off the ship for a little while onto a big ice patch. He said a Coast Guard icebreaker was also with their ship. The Navy’s sailors gathered on the ice in their denim working uniforms. But the Coast Guard’s sailors had to wear dress uniforms ashore. It sounds like bullshit to me. But it’s a pretty strange story. Talk about your dress codes. Who knows, maybe they didn’t want the penguins in their tuxedos showing them up.

In keeping with our theme today of interplanetary intercourse, I have just seen the news that scientists have discovered the 10th planet. So far it is unnamed but the planet is supposedly larger than Pluto. Who or what isn’t? My Toyota pickup is bigger than Pluto! The new planet also is 97 times the distance between the sun and Earth — for all of you who keep track of that sort of information.

Now the question is what will our 10th planet be named? My bet is Wal-Mart. They will have people up there quicker than you can say: “Sam Walton” and will have some lovable old codger welcoming interplanetary travelers at the door. Be advised that you still will have to stand in line for your photographs while the workers from the Planet Wal-Mart Photo Center go have a cigarette outside the front of the planet.

Thus, those who reside on Planet Wal-Mart will appear mostly to us at such:

Ah yes, space, the final frontier for Wal-Martization of the Universe.

You have chosen the English language version of the Greater Earth Convention and Visitors Bureau. Thank you for inquiring about the wonderful opportunities that await you when you visit our planet. Before going into detail about tourist and convention information, we would like you to view some basic information about Earth:

Size: About 197 million square miles. Some 71 percent of our planet’s surface is covered by water so there are plenty opportunities for aquatic recreation such as surfing, swimming, fishing, sailing and much, much more.

Population: More than 6.5 billion.

Neighbors: Venus, the Moon, Mars

Temperature: From 136 degrees F to -129 degrees F.

Language: The Earth has no one official language. It has roughly 6,800 languages. English, Mandarin, Hindi and Spanish are among the more popular ones. A cautionary note to visitors: Some countries on Earth are sensitive about foreign languages being spoken in their country. For instance in the United States, some who hear a foreign language being spoken may believe that they are being talked about. (See “Paranoia”) It is best to always learn some useful words and phrases before visiting portions of the Earth.

Government: The Earth also has no one government but rather is ruled by heads of state of more than 190 nations. An organization exists called the United Nations, and some believe that officials of that league are flying around in black helicopters trying to foster a one-world government. However, such notions are mostly due to a mental condition (See “Paranoia.)

Pastimes: Soccer or football, cricket, baseball, armed conflict, political intrigue, dancing, opera, television.

Interesting places to visit: The Earth has unlimited potential when it comes to sites of which to visit. One may experience war in Iraq, take a potentially life-threatening climb up Mt. Everest, be treated rudely in Paris, dodge carjackers in Los Angeles, or perhaps be knocked silly with a fly ball in Boston, just to name a few places.

Food and drink: Just as Earth is varied in language and culture it also has numerous varieties of food and drink. Water is the official drink of most of the world. Other notable drinks include tea, beer, wine, vodka. A cautionary note: Much of the water on earth requires treatment or desalinization before being consumed. Untreated water can cause digestive system distress, provided you have a digestive system. When in doubt, drink hard liquor.

We look forward to visits from those out in the far reaches of the Universe. It is best to call ahead before visiting Earth to avoid misunderstandings with defense forces of various governments.