Author: Dick

Is dancing with a linebacker really a sport?

The local daily newspaper, The Beaumont Enterprise, has an interesting interactive question running on their Website that asks readers what they consider sports and what they don’t think of as a sport.

Of course, this is one of those questions that begs a very personal and individual response, so trying to derive a conclusion after reading some of the responses from some of these geniuses who have replied is a guaranteed “lose-lose.” It is kind of a fun question though. Are sports only those activities where one is competing against others, or is it a sport when you are competing against nature, the laws of physics, time, space, yourself, a big ass volcano or what?

Back in college we used to consider drinking as a sport. We played the game “Quarters” using shots of tequila or whisky. I guess on a larger scale we actually considered getting drunk as a sport. “Australian Rules Drunk,” as my friend Dr. Warren, would say. It was when you got so drunk you puked on your OWN shoes.

But as middle age snaps us up like a frog on a fly we have to consider the type of pastime in which we want to indulge, or not. And if we have a modicum of sense it will be something not hastening our ultimate demise. In other words: skydiving. But is it really a sport? Actually, I have had thoughts about skydiving. Perhaps it is something I should talk about with a mental health professional.

I have friends who like golf. But is it a sport? Or hunting or fishing or collecting miniatures? I don’t know. Since I considered the question it really has made me think about the very nature of sport, which my dictionary says is a)an often competitive athletic activity requiring skill or physical prowess b)diversion or recreation c)jest d)mockery, ridicule e)a sportsmanlike person f) a debonair person or bonvivant g) an organism that shows a genetic deviation; mutation. Huh?

With such a diverse set of definitions practically any activity including insult, the act of being sporty or being a giant mutant Ninja turtle can be a sport. This really doesn’t settle anything as far as the original question of what is sport. But next time I choose to insult someone I will give them ample time for a reply. You know, a sporting chance.

A woman and her llama

I came across this colorful photo from MorgueFile.com and felt myself strongly attracted to it — the photo not the woman or the llama.

Something in the picture reassures me. It’s like the woman is saying: “Oh damn. Bad llama. Get off my foot please!” On second thought, I suppose it isn’t all that reassuring. But llamas are just so freaking funny looking even though I have been spat at by one. Fortunately, the great bomb of spittle missed me by about a few feet. I might be wrong but I feel that llamas have to spit only in the general direction of other llamas to get their attention. I don’t know that accuracy means all that much to a llama. Although I’d hate to get into a spitting contest with one.

But llamas are unfairly branded for their spitting, according to Llamapaedia.com

“A properly trained and socialized llama will not spit at people at any time, even during veterinary procedures. Most llama owners only meet with spit when they get caught in the crossfire of llamas spitting at each other. Spitting is used by llamas to settle arguments, establish dominance and pecking order, tell males that females are pregnant, discipline crias (baby llamas) and express fear or discomfort.”

The “all-llama all of the time” Web site goes on to say that llamas give some sort of warning before spitting including pinning their ears back or raising their head. Hmm. I guess I was too busy not trying to step in the llama crap to notice that the llama was about to peg me as a human spitoon.

I’ll know better next time I go up close and personal with a llama that’s got a problem.

Thanks to Laurie at “Do You Know What It Means to Miss New Orleans?” I have discovered Blogger’s new feature allowing direct photo posting. This really rocks! Speaking of rock, here is a photo I took on top of Enchanted Rock near Fredericksburg, Texas, in January. Just trying out the new toy.

The Supremes

The U.S. Supreme Court announced their decision today that only “eight or nine” of the Ten Commandments may be displayed by governmental entities. Writing for the majority, Justice David Souter said any mention about “coveting thy neighbor’s ass” is purely optional on the part of local government officials.

Dick Cheney

Vice President Dick Cheney said today that his daughter, Mary’s, lesbianism is “in its last throes.”

Shark attack

The U.S. Coast Guard searched the Gulf of Mexico off the Florida Panhandle today for some 200 sharks that are boycotting the beaches because, according to one source, “They are still pissed off about the movie ‘Jaws.'”

Tom Cruise

In yet another media interview promoting his new movie “War of the Worlds,” Tom Cruise said his beliefs in Scientology have led him on a crusade “against all modern medicine. And Brooke Shields.” Shields, who Cruise criticized for her admission of taking antidepressants for post-partum depression, has signed with Don King for promotion of a possible 15-round fight with Cruise later this year in Madison Square Garden. Las Vegas bookies have already come out with odds in favor of Shields with a knock-out in the sixth round.

Blog’s latest saying stems from worthless criticism. God knows I’ve received my share of being criticized during my years as a journalist. But criticism only has value when applied legitimately rather than being used as an excuse to disagree on a point or blow the messenger down from the sky.

Someone criticized my piece about White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. That anonymous critic asked if I was a reporter and said if so, I had a “wicked, wicked bias.” First of all, whomever it was who wrote seems unable to differentiate between bias and objectivity. Neither qualities particularly concern me in my blog. I am not working as a reporter right now. I am just writing to exercise a few muscles in my head. I have my biases as do we all. But while I had to be objective for almost 20 years as a reporter, I don’t have to right at the present. Furthermore, the good thing about the blogosphere like so many other forms of media is that you don’t have to read my blog if you don’t want to. So there. Ha! Now someone will criticize me for criticizing someone who critized me. Mess with me and I will post a Barry Manilow photo.

Batman

A friend and I went to see “Batman Begins” last night. I thought it was a good movie. It certainly surprised me in that it was much less of a cartoon, in the figurative sense, than I expected. As I told my friend afterwards, I mostly needed to see a picture where a lot of ass-whipping was taking place and this bit the fill.

Speaking of

Do you remember when cartoons ran before a movie started? That seems like a million years ago. Now they have ads, followed by the trailers, which are essentially more ads. I always was a Porky Pig fan. I guess his speech impediment is not so funny these days, but the fact that he wore a coat and no pants was always pretty hilarious. It was like saying: “I’m Porky and I don’t give a damn.” Even though he wouldn’t say it quite like that. I was so influenced by Porky not wearing pants that I from time-to-time use an expression about it to comment on something’s or someone’s usefulness. “He’s as useless as pants on a pig.” Well, it means something to me anyway. Hope you a) had a great weekend, b) are having a great weekend, or c)get the weekend you deserve. (or d) get trampled by a bull moose if you are an a**hole.)