Eight Feet Deep

Barack N’ Roll. It appears President Obama likes to party every now and then. He had a midweek cocktail party which was bipartisan. He is having a Super Bowl party which will likewise be attended by those from both parties.

I think it’s high time the White House loosen up a little bit. I bet Gee Dubya was a funny drunk when he drank. Then he probably got more obnoxious the drunker he got. So, it was probably a good deal that he quit drinking. But he lacked the fine edge.

If Obama can throw a party and get a few folks from both parties to attend those parties, then maybe he can get something done. Or, that is, get something positive done. Just don’t let things get out of hand. You know, like letting some of his drunken guests get on the red phone to Moscow and ask the Russian leaders if they’ve got Prince Albert in a can.

Prince who??

Our Texas Department of Transportation, the federal government, the combination of the two or someone is out there lost in the Field of Dreams. You know, “If you build it … “

A bit ago I was driving down the I-10 East access road in Beaumont between Martin Luther King and Magnolia. Now this area is kind of old, and in some place run down, while in other places hookers ply their trade on the streets. That’s not to say the whole area is bad. Now one thing this area has in common with a lot of our fair city is the lack of sidewalks. Many areas here are not so pedestrian friendly.

So had I not been watching our local KFDM Channel 6 News a couple of weeks ago I would have been plumb bumfuzzled (slang: baffled)at seeing a bunch of Hispanic guys in fluorescent vests this afternoon doing prep work to install wheelchair curb ramps in these areas along the I-10 access road. This is, to remind you, an area where the probability of sidewalks being built and attached to those ramps is on a par with a Blue Norther in Hades.

Channel 6 Reporter Ashley Gaston aptly labeled “the on-ramps to nowhere” which are being built all over town. Ashley interviewed a fellow in a wheelchair who was understandably indignant that his wife had to push him around to where he needed to go in a certain spot. The same spot where a curb ramp without a sidewalk had been built.

Local TxDOT spokesman Marc Shepherd told Channel 6 that the federal government had all of this money and the state had to spend it on curb ramps. You know, if they’ve got the money honey we’ve got the time — to spend it. The figure for building these ramps to nowhere that was quoted in the story was $1.4 million to build 600 such structures in our so-called “Golden Triangle” of Beaumont, Port Arthur and Orange area. However, I added up the bucks on the state transportation department’s “Project Tracker” and found a total of well more than $5 million. Now I must point out here that I am neither a mathematician nor a highway engineer (Thank heavens for small favors). So I might not be reading the money portion of the state’s On-Ramp to Nowhere Project correctly. If you are a retired engineer and have time to figure it out, then click here. Just don’t e-mail me and tell me what you figured out, okay? Thanks.

Now I suppose someday the money might come along which will connect all those curb ramps to sidewalks. Of course, it is likely in the realm of Murphy’s Law and government that the sidewalks and ramps will somehow not match up and end up costing millions more than was anticipated. Oh but it is the thought that counts, eh?

The big hoo hah on The Hill — that’s the one in Washington not the one Jack and Jill went up — is over the “stimulus package” being batted around by Congress. Stimulus package sounds dirty doesn’t it? Or it sounds like a package full of those little ol’ truck driving pills if you know what I mean.

But here is the problem with the $825 gazillion stimulus package: everybody and their chihuahua has a different vision as to what needs to be in the bill to stimulate the economy.

Al Gore — who as you all know invented the Internet (Gee Dubya Bush invented the Internets) — says some of that money should go to stave off global warming by abandoning this planet and moving the Earth’s people to Uranus.

House minority leader John Boehner, R-Toe Jam, Ohio, believes the money should be given to the top 5 percent of the nation’s wealthiest and spread among the Fortune 500. Oh and a 95 percent tax cut for the wealthiest would also be nice.

Down here in Southeast Texas there is a considerable difference of opinion as well over where the $825 megatillions should be parsed. Members of the rice industry say they need at least $825 billion. The refineries say they also need $825 billion. The local banks and credit unions expect to need exactly $825 billion. The hospitals say their figures show that they will just get by if only they can get $825 billion. The area’s thriving trial law industry said they need a boost of only $824.99 billion.

And what about the rest of the country?

Good point.

So we shall see how it goes and who gets the big prize. I could use a bailout myself. How much you ask? Oh, say $825 billion.

It seems you can’t turn on the television these days without seeing Illinois Gov.-Waiting-to-be-Canned Rod Blagojevich. What’s more, you can’t see Blago without his drawing upon a comparison with himself and some historic, sainted figure such as Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Nelson Mandela and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Of course, while he is out mugging for Larry King and The View — who’s next Al Jazeera? — the Illinois State Senate is deciding whether to throw Gov. Awesome Hair out on his keister. Note: Gov. Awesome Hair should not be confused with Texas Gov. Good Hair Rick Perry.

Should Rodney Boy somehow manage to ONLY find himself out of work and not in a federal prison for trying to sell President Obama’s Senate seat then perhaps Blagojevich might have a new career on the small screen. Just think about it. He’s got all that hair. He’s outrageous. He has an ego that probably only Bill O’Reilly or Rush Limbaugh could match. Perhaps he could stage a massive chair fight with Jerry Springer. Jumpin’ Julie in July! Is this a great country or what?